I am 165 pounds of pure muscle mass. I am the physical manifestation of pure testosterone. My face makes even the straightest of men question their sexuality and fall to their knees. I do not take images of myself, as mere pixels cannot accurately convey my beyond human form.

I emit so much testosterone, anywhere I go is a radiation hazard for the next 50 years. You know Chernobyl? Yah that was me. I only ever tried taking my shirt off three times in history, they named the last two occurrences Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The first occurrence? The extinction of the dinosaurs. Coronavirus is afraid it'll contract me. Speaking of being ill, I once got bit by a snake. After five days of immense, unimaginable pain and suffering, the snake finally died. I shave with a box cutter, blind folded as well. Cause if I look in the mirror I intimidate myself. When I graduate, I’m gonna give my university a degree. The n-word pass asks to have me. In the morning, I wake my alarm up. I didn't go through puberty, puberty went through me. And it was never even awkward cuz I made it happen instantly. The one time I attempted to cross my legs was around five years ago, you may remember it as our first time detecting gravitational waves. You know that black hole photo they took last year? Yah, that was just a black ball I threw a bit too high. When Einstein proposed his theory of relativity, he included a footnote for the speed of light. That footnote is lost to history, but it said that light is only the second fastest thing in our universe. I don’t have to mention the first. The laws of physics follow me. My gps gets assisted directions from me. The Global Positioning System is really a bunch of routers that map the world based off my memory of it and the presence of every being I sense at every given time. The one time I tried chopping vegetables, I invented CRISPR. Onions cry when I chop them. I can perform a kidney transplant using only a kidney bean and my own two hands.