FADE IN:
OPENING CREDITS OVER SUPER-FUNKY BLAXPLOITATION-STYLE MUSIC
Builds to an exciting crescendo filling us with the expectation of a thrilling, action-packed opening sequence.
Instead we get:
INT. SETH’S CAR - MORNING
Seth, seventeen, a bit heavyset, in the midst of a sad attempt at growing a goatee and clearly a terrible driver, cruises along while fiddling with the CD player. He pulls out his cell and dials.
SETH
Yo.
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. EVAN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Evan, seventeen, a little too tall and slim, a boy who clearly never figured out how to style his hair, is finishing off a bowl of cereal. He is on his cell phone.
EVAN
What’s up?
SETH
I was doing research last night, for next year, and I think I’m gonna go with Bang Bus.
EVAN
Which one’s Bang Bus?
SETH
The one where they bang the chicks on the bus. Thirteen bucks a month. Total access, live Webcam feed. The works. It’ll be like I’m on the bus, banging them myself.
EVAN
That stuff’s ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, they’re all ♥♥♥♥♥♥ it. And plus, your parents are gonna look at the bill.
SETH
It shows up under a different name.
beat
I hope. Bang Bus.
That wouldn’t look good. Maybe I should just pick the one with the least dirty sounding name.
EVAN
Weapons of Ass Destruction’s out then.
Seth pulls up in front of a house.
SETH
I could tell my parents I’m doing a project on Rome and I have to research orgies.
EXT. EVAN’S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Evan walks out his front door. WE REVEAL he is walking towards Seth’s car.
EVAN
still into phone
Yeah. Just tell them you'reae taking a class on blow jobs.
They both hang up and Evan gets in the car. Seth is about to pull away, when EVAN’S MOTHER comes out the front door.
EVAN’S MOM
Thanks for taking him, Seth.
Evan changes the radio station. Seth slaps his hand.
SETH
Don’t touch that!
EVAN’S MOM
You two are so funny. I can’t imagine what you’ll do without each other next year. Evan told me you didn’t get into State.
SETH
Yeah, you know. I got some other places. Good places. I think we’ll be fine.
EVAN’S MOM
Are you going to miss each other?
EVAN
Miss each other? No!
SETH
That’s disgusting.
MOM
Bye, boys.
Seth and Evan drive off.
SETH
I am truly, truly jealous that you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
EVAN
♥♥♥♥ you, man.
EXT. CLARK SECONDARY- SOON AFTER
They drive up to Clark Secondary. There is a giant sign that reads “Seniors - Two Glorious Weeks Until Graduation”. Seth turns into the STAFF parking lot.
INT/EXT. 7-11 STORE - MOMENTS LATER
Seth and Evan walk past a group of smokers, towards the 7-11.
EVAN
You’re being an idiot, man. You really shouldn’t park there.
SETH
♥♥♥♥ it. I’m a senior about to graduate. They should be suckin’ my balls. It’s the least they can do for stealing three years of my life.
They walk past DIMITRI (18, big Native American guy) as they enter the store. Dimitri aggressively bumps his shoulder into Seth.
EVAN
What the hell’s wrong with Dimitri?
SETH
Oh, yeah dude, I forgot to tell you. I knocked the ♥♥♥♥♥♥’ ♥♥♥♥ out of him in capture the flag last week.
EVAN
Good! 9th Grade Camp he gave me whiplash in “King of the Ring.” I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hate that guy.
They go to the magazine rack and stare at a Maxim cover.
EVAN (CONT’D)
Look at those nipples.
SETH
They’re like baby toes.
EVAN
It’s not fair. I have to hide every erection I get.
SETH
Sometimes I get boners so big I can’t hide them. And then I get nervous and my heart starts pounding, and it all just, like, feeds my boner. It just becomes this-- thing-- that’s attached to me. And it won’t go away.
EVAN
Just imagine if girls weren’t weirded out by our boners and they actually wanted to see ‘em, like this ♥♥♥♥.
SETH
You know it’s been, like, a year and a half since I’ve seen an actual human female nipple. Besides my mom’s. I saw it last month, and it was sick.
EVAN
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. Liat was two years ago? I guess so. She was insanely hot, though.
SETH
Exactly. Too hot. That’s what sucks.
EVAN
How can that possibly suck? I’d be ♥♥♥♥♥♥’ psyched if I’d gotten with a girl that hot. You got, like, two dozen handjobs!
SETH
And three quarters of a blowjob, But that was ♥♥♥♥♥♥’ it. It was the peak of my ass- gettin’ career, and it happened way, way, way too early.
EVAN
You’re like Orson Welles.
SETH
Exactly! If I’d built up to it, I’d probably at least be having steady sex with a mediocre-looking girl at this point. I honestly now see why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death.
EVAN
You’ll have sex in college. Everyone does. And if not, you’ll have the Bang Bus.
SETH
But the key is to be good at sex by the time you’re in college. You don’t want girls to think you suck ♥♥♥♥ at ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.
EVAN
I still think you’ve got a chance with Jules. She got mad hot over last summer, and clearly hasn’t realized it, ‘cause she still flirts with you.
SETH
Are you joking, man? Let’s see here-- she dated Dan Remick, Matt Muir, Josh Corber and what’s-his-face. All of those were cool guys. She’s been hot way longer than you think. Why would she end her high school career with me?
EVAN
Well, Helen got with Ariel Shafir.
SETH
Yeah, and he was a complete ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ loser. You’re a step up from that. Which is why you should stop being a ♥♥♥♥♥ and do her! You could nail the ♥♥♥♥ out of her for, like, two months before you leave. That ♥♥♥♥♥ looks like a good ♥♥♥♥♥♥.
EVAN
Hey! I’m sick of you talking about her like that, man!
Evan starts to walk out. Seth follows.
SETH
What, you can talk about that ♥♥♥♥♥ all day every single day, but I can’t say one thing about her?
EVAN
I don’t constantly insult her.
SETH
I didn’t insult her! I said she looks like a good ♥♥♥♥♥♥! She looks like she can take a ♥♥♥♥. That’s a good thing. Some women pride themselves on their ♥♥♥♥- taking abilities.
EXT. 7-11 - CONTINUOUS
Seth and Evan come out the front doors. TERRY, one of the rough-looking smokers, calls out.
TERRY
Yo. Seth. Did you hear I’m having the big grad party?
Evan, a little scared, keeps his distance.
SETH
No.
TERRY
Yeah.
Terry spits on Seth’s shirt.
TERRY (CONT’D)
And you’re not coming. Tell your ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥ friend he can’t come either.
Seth wipes the spit off. He looks at Terry and seems as though he’s about to say something, but is interrupted when Terry starts hocking up more spit. Seth runs away as Terry and his friends laugh. He catches up to Evan and they head back to school.
EVAN
Wow. You really ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ out on that one.
SETH
I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ out? You ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ out! You were across the street before I even realized what was going on.
beat
That guy’s such a douche bag.
EXT. CLARK SECONDARY OVAL RUNNING TRACK - DAY
BIRD’S EYE VIEW OF A P.E. CLASS
There are 30 guys standing behind the starting line of the school’s track. We hear a TEACHER yell “Go!” and the boys start running.
We FOLLOW them from above. All the boys keep pretty much the same pace except for one runner who slowly lags behind. The group gets so far ahead of the him that he is alone in the frame. He stops.
CLOSE UP OF THE RUNNER:
Kneeling on the track breathing heavily. It’s Seth.
SETH
panting
This-- is-- ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.
A moment later a KID with prosthetic leg jogs by.
KID
as he passes Seth
Poo-say.
INT. CLARK SECONDARY CLASSROOM - DAY
Evan is sitting in math class staring at HELEN’S breasts. She‘s a very tall girl and is athletic in a sexy way, wearing volleyball team sweat pants and a tank top. He looks up from her breasts to her face: she is staring right at him. He immediately looks to the front of the class, embarrassed.
The bell rings and everyone leaves. Helen walks up to Evan as they enter the hallway. He’s really nervous. She offers him a pen.
HELEN
Hey Evan, thanks for the pen.
EVAN
Oh, don’t worry, no worries. Just keep it. Then you’ll just