Recent reviews by JediMuppet

Platform: Steam Deck, because I needed something to do while silently judging humanity in an airport lounge

Let me start by saying: I didn’t expect much. Pixel art? ARPG? Sounds like something my nephew plays between TikToks and asking what dial-up was. But I was desperate. Trapped in a Delta Sky Lounge, surrounded by sadness, free hummus, and one very sticky child named Johnny who looked like he crawled out of a Petri dish at the CDC.

Johnny—bless his viral little heart—is coughing with the force of a WWII tank backfiring. His headphones are on, but purely decorative, like a dog wearing sunglasses. The volume’s at 11, blaring some educational cartoon where a monkey teaches him how to share, which is rich, because he’s currently sharing his germs with my immune system in 4K.

Enter Slormancer. My pixelated salvation.
At first glance, I thought it was just another indie ARPG trying to LARP as Diablo’s weird cousin who got really into crystals and anime. But nope—it’s weirdly great. It’s like the game whispered, “Hey, what if you didn’t know what the hell was going on, but also couldn’t stop playing because shiny numbers go up?” And I said, “Yes, take me.”

I have no clue what build I’m doing. I think I’m a Knight? Or a guy with a stick and unresolved trauma? I just mash buttons and watch enemies explode into confetti like I’m winning a sad birthday party for one. The game lets you go full galaxy brain or full gremlin mode, which is perfect, because I’m old now and my fingers only have so many dashes and dodge rolls left in them before I need an ergonomic brace and a nap. Not to mention my wife wants me to figure out a “super soaker” move with my thumb - but I play games and don’t know what that is.

But back to Pamela. That’s Johnny’s mom. Pamela is currently pretending her spawn isn’t attempting to chew on a power outlet while she FaceTimes a man named Todd whose job appears to be “Instagram boyfriend” and/or “not Johnny’s dad.” She’s sipping something red and expensive-looking, like this is her Roman Empire and we’re just living in it.

Meanwhile, I’m over here on my Steam Deck like some war-hardened ARPG veteran, avoiding eye contact and trying to remember how my build tree works while Johnny licks a complimentary biscotti and maintains aggressive, unbroken eye contact like he’s casting a curse.

Anyway. Slormancer slaps. It’s chaotic, fun, and somehow scratches that dark-fantasy itch without needing a triple-A budget or an NFT tie-in. Perfect for travel, distraction, or emotionally disassociating from other people’s parenting choices.

10/10. Would recommend. Would also recommend Delta installs a child quarantine zone.
Pamela, if you’re reading this, your son is currently trying to eat the Delta Amex sign, and I know you didn’t get those chicken wings from the buffet.

I’m not mad. I’m just playing Slormancer. Aggressively.

I’m only a few hours in, but judging by my repeated deaths, screams, and light self-reflection, I’m pretty sure I’m still in the first or second area of this absolute masochist’s fairy tale. And I mean that in the best way possible. This game is beautiful, cruel, and weirdly inspiring—like being kicked in the chest by a mystical donkey while a shadowy old crone whispers, “You paid for this, ♥♥♥♥♥. Now go die better.”

The art design? Gorgeous. The color palette feels like someone spilled blood and poetry all over a dark folktale. The animation? Buttery. Everything just moves with this weight and polish that screams care. It's giving Dead Cells meets Blasphemous but with its own flavor of melancholic mysticism.

But let’s talk difficulty: it’s hard. Like, “why am I doing this to myself” hard. But the punishment feels fair—like it wants you to get better, not rage-quit. And if you don’t vibe with that level of punishment? Change the difficulty. The devs gave you that option. They also, and this is key, actually listen. You can tell. The balancing, the updates, the responsiveness—it all speaks to a team that gives a damn.

I came in for a little handheld gothic escape on the Steam Deck, and now I’m emotionally invested in murdering monsters, getting dunked on by bosses, and unraveling dark lore while looking cool doing it.

If you like challenge, atmosphere, and beautiful pain—just buy it.
Plus, the devs seem to read these reviews.... Who knows. I’m just saying: write nice things. Touch grass. Praise the Witch Tree.

I got Hordes of Hel thinking it’d be a little roguelite throwaway—y’know, something to crack open on the Steamdeck while I decompose on the porcelain throne. A couple of runs, a couple of wipes, call it a day.

I was wrong. This game is NOT poop-tier. It is poop-enhanced.

What started as a casual “lemme see what this is” has turned into “babe I’ll be out in a bit, I’m… uh… busy.” I have completely restructured my digestive rhythm to maximize time spent playing this chaotic, crunchy, violently satisfying gem of a game.

You like roguelites? Good. You like fast runs that make you say “ok one more” fifty-seven times? Good. You want a game that feels like Diablo but strips out the spreadsheet crap and leaves you with just the good slashy-slashy dopamine? HEL yes.

The controls are tight, the upgrades feel meaningful, and the combat absolutely slaps. You want a game where every run feels like a punk rock Viking fever dream and somehow never gets old? This is it. It's like the devs put actual effort into it or something, which is suspicious, but appreciated.

Plus they keep updating it. Like… more than they should? It's getting new features, polish, love—hell, even the bugs feel charming. I’ve played AAA games with less soul than this.

If you’re into:

Tight combat and buttery movement
Dying stupidly and immediately doing it again
Supporting devs who give a damn
Sitting way too long and realizing your legs are asleep
Roguelites that don’t waste your damn time
Then Hordes of Hel isn’t just worth it—it’s a lifestyle choice.

This isn’t bathroom gaming. This is throne-based domination.
10/10 would ruin my lower back again.

This game slaps... and then keeps slapping. And then curb stomps your hopes.

Look—I'm an ARPG guy. Not a good one. But I’ve put in my time getting deleted by goatmen, spirits and I think testicles with eyes, pretending I understand what “scaling with added lightning damage” actually means.

PoE2 is beautiful, brutal, and clearly built by people who hate us—but in a loving, “you’ll thank me later” kind of way. The combat feels better, skills are chunky, and the world although not super immersive, has a interesting vibe and I am excited to see how the campaign finishes up.

That said:
I’ve died so many times in T13-15 maps, I’m starting to think the rares are unionized and on strike against my resistances. I walk into a pack, fart near a rare, and next thing you know I’m waking up in town questioning my life choices.
75% resist?
Dead.
Maxed flasks?
Dead.
Running away like a coward?
Still dead, but now I’m ashamed too.

I’m not a min-maxer. I don’t have the time, the braincells, or the capacity to read 17 wiki tabs while juggling exposure debuffs. But damn if it hasn’t been fun having my balls metaphorically tugged while inching closer to understanding why I’m getting sent to Jesus every map.

This is Early Access done right. It’s raw. It’s janky in spots. But it’s got that it factor. Like, "I know this will be incredible in a year, but I’m still willingly suffering now" kind of good.

Final thoughts:
If you're looking for a smooth ride, try Stardew Valley.

5/5 Fangs – A Bloody Delight!
By Count Vladislav von Birchroot

I must confess, when I first heard of V Rising, I scoffed. Another survival game? I already survive daily. I am the apex predator. Why would I, a dignified creature of the night, spend my unholy hours chopping wood and mining rocks when I literally built my crypt from a single tree stump and the shattered dreams of a werewolf?

Yet… curiosity (and a suspicious Steam sale) got the better of me.

To my surprise—and mild horror—I found myself enthralled. After a few solo server tweaks (faster gathering, longer nights, more victims—I mean villagers), the game transformed into an absolute gothic gem. Suddenly, I wasn’t just building—I was conquering.

The blood system? Chef’s kiss… if I still had lips. Nothing quite like draining a knight and shouting “Exquisite blood!” to your cat at 3 a.m.

My days now consist of the perfect undead loop:
☑ Rise from my coffin
☑ Feed on peasants
☑ Dominate the lands
☑ Watch What We Do in the Shadows and scream “Same!” at the screen

If you’re like me—undead, dramatic, and sick of Tinder (the torch, not the app)—then V Rising may just be your new eternal obsession.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a blood moon rising and I’ve got a castle to glam up.

🩸🦇 Long un-life the king.

Do you like fun? Do you like to smash all of the other video game genres into one while yelling at your friends mom to fire up the tostito's? If not, this game isn't for you. This game is for those who believe in spreading democratic pleasure and democracifying bug-bot splattering goodness.

One of the best RPGs I've ever played.