Greetings valued Terrible Toybox and/or Devolver Digital executives,

I am Zelly_9191, Intrepid Explorer. You may recognize me from such genre-defining point n’ click classics as; Mystery of the Forbidden Toothbrush, Adventures in Laundry Land, and To Free or not to Free: An Ethical Deconstruction of Pet Ownership in the Modern World: THE GAME. I apologize if this letter seems crude or uncalled for, or if seeing my name and pedigree has alarmed you in some way. You see, my agent has left several phone calls, but you haven’t gotten back to me thus-far and I wanted to make sure I hadn’t slipped through the cracks.

Let’s cut to the chase. You’re making the newest entry in the Monkey Island™ franchise and I know you’re looking for some fresh blood to shake things up a bit. That Guybrush Threepwood character has, quite frankly, been resting on his past successes for far too long. I’m almost certain that the gap between the last few entries has been a result of contract negotiation (I know, I know, we’ve all been there). If not for this, I’m certain you could be on the seventh or eighth Monkey Island™ at this point. Think of the profits! The booty! The wenches! The – oh, sorry, got a little too in character there.

But see, that’s just a taste of what you can expect with me on board! I was born for this role, baby! Please see attached my diagram for how profits will soar with me at the lead instead of Sheepgood or whatever that know-nothing blondie is calling himself these days.

Ciao,
Zelly_9191, Intrepid Explorer

*stapled to the back is a crudely drawn image of a graph. There’s a red line clearly drawn in crayon, which is titled “number goes up” in the graph’s key. Several smiley faces are dotted around the corners of the graph. The y-axis isn’t labeled, but at this point that’s the least of this cover letter’s issues