SPOILERS AHEAD, GAMER WATER DRINKERS OF THE WORLD

tl;dr review: "Don't let a good story get in the way of telling a good story" - Quantum Dream
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First, a little praise:
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I'll admit that I liked the buddy cop segments and dare I say, even liked two of the characters... but I learned that's largely because the actors ignored Cage's direction, and just riffed and improvised off of one another. Every time actors did this, there was a memorable scene, but the dialogue that wasn't improvised was more or less alright as well. I thought the android graveyard scene was cool as f***, and gorgeously designed. It is a remarkably beautiful game, with stunning animations and environments- and the cast of actors did an incredible job with the material. Credit's due where credit's due! Now to drag this beautifully polished abomination of storytelling:
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David Cage wants you, NEEDS you to be sad when the sad music plays. His reliance on trauma porn starts to feel exhausting after a while.

He wants you to be sad over every single character, each of which is suffering from endless torment and suffering in EVERY single game of his, every scene needs to be EXTREMELY high stakes at all times- just to illustrate his genius, super subtle, deep subtext: bigotry bad, guys. Bad. I think.

"Surely my mentally deficient audience will need further help understanding *just* how bad it is," David Cage thinks, probably. Like, yes. Bigotry is very bad indeed. You wanna expand on that concept at all? No? Aight. Oh, we're exploring what being a human or sentience actually entails- n..no? Really b**ch? SO WHAT ARE WE DOING!? What are you on about, bro? It felt all over the place.
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It feels like EVERY human (aside from like, one guy) on planet earth is racist(?) against androids. Wooow. You're really holding a mirror up to society, David. That's like, crazy, man. Yes, there are many humans who are like that - but like half of the human population on earth are not. Bigotry serves as a lazy plot device that really seems ill understood.

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If David Cage expects me to believe that we can feel emotions for his poorly written characters, then why is it so hard to believe that there would be plenty of humans who would be sympathetic to the suffering of the androids when they display sentience? So, not a single human will help provide oil and parts to the revolution until you let your comrades be cut down by gunfire on live television?

Everyone with a human face who is made out of meat is literally the devil, and if you trust one they will try to steal your organs or whatever. Then again, how else can we keep those sweet, succulent stakes as inhumanly (pun intended) high as possible? To kill me. To make me die. Please help me, I am in so much pain.
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Plot gobbledygook: For some agonizing reason, David Cage doesn't follow the established rules of his own universe.
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Example:
The androids have a linking ability when they touch one another, as evidenced by Markus. However, later on, Markus is seen merely waving his arms like ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Moses all like "let my people go", and seas of androids are suddenly linked with Markus, joining and the others in the revolution. It's instant, and implied any android can do it, and for some reason they feel the need to touch other andoids to do it for no other reason than David Cage wants to play sad music and have a dramatic-looking scene. If there's any more corny in this story, I will get diabetes. Why didn't they do this before?
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When other androids interact with one another, the LEDs on their temples glow; they are able to non-verbally communicate with one another as a basic function: so how is it possible that the child android was mistaken as a human by another android until the literal end of the game? How is it that the child android lacks these basic UI functions in addition to being completely unaware they are an android if the LED needs to be physically removed? Did the girl have her memory wiped when it happened? It is never explained.
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I shouldn't have to imagine up an excuse for this ♥♥♥♥, just because David Cage couldn't.
David Cage respects his audience so much that he expects us to believe that a divorced dad unemployed speed freak who lives in a rundown house is able to afford his very own creepy child service android, and, according to the rules Cage established, require oil and parts that are guarded more closely than the nuclear missile codes.
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So like, does Meth Daddy gotta go to these bases (oh sorry I mean "shipping ports", LOL) full of armed guards with automatic weapons and combat drones in order to acquire the blue blood? Little details like this started to really annoy me.
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What about the guy in the wheelchair, who's only means of help was Markus? Does Markus wheel him all the way to the base, or is he given a little hall pass so he can go himself? No? Sure, there are drones and assault-weapon bearing humans at the base yet *no armed guards* at the stores. Bro could have just knocked out the two drones in front of any location, clapped human cheeks inside, and walked out with new android friends and parts.
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See what I mean? In a FPS game, I wouldn't give a sh*t, but these games ARE the story and the story is the game. So it's a lot harder for me to ignore.
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David Cage really, really thinks he's doing something, truly thinks he is saying something with his games. He has interesting ideas that he fails to flesh out, and those he puts a modicum of effort into end up being tired, vapid, and predictable.
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He also follows the "sad music means cry now" formula that films like Marvel movies use (but badly), which I find annoying and cheap. If I barely care about some of the characters (I am given no reason to), then it comes off goofy af.

He uses trauma, abuse, and all the bad things (terribly) to lazily "build character", but those things do not define people in real life. I would like to know a lot more about them aside from that. He does do a good job of initially introducing each, but it falls into "and then, and then, and then" storytelling territory often.
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Think about it: given how many hours long the game is, who aside from the buddy cops had a memorable personality?

Markus's personality is, for example, a guy who had really bad stuff happen to him. The housekeeper android's (I literally can't remember most of their names lmfao) personality was a person who bad things happened to and she didn't like that. She protected the child android, that was cool I guess. Her story branch is so corny and it is absolutely absurd at times. There is a scene where you run through traffic to save the kid and through the miracle of plot armor and deus ex machimas, they're just fine. In all fairness, it was ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hilarious.
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Ending: I was especially annoyed at the "I'M THE REAL ONE" "NO, I'M THE REAL ONE" ending, it's tired and overused. I'm old and full of piss so that's probably why I'm bored of seeing that trope. It didn't feel like an homage, it felt like David Cage slipping in his own excrement and telling me it's ice skating.
Worse than being preachy is TRYING to be preachy, and failing. All this being said, I do not mean to take away an enjoyable experience for you. It IS an entertaining game... if you purposely play it wrong hahah. There are societal issues that could have been explored in meaningful ways, but it's more shallow than John Wick.
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The game's morality on consent and what it means to be aLiVe (so deep)is ultimately grandstanding, empty bullsh*t that stands for nothing. Many other games, like NieR: Automata, do a farbetter job at this. You truly felt the devastation and sense of loss.
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That being said, all the things that are horribly wrong with the story, are also what makes it hilarious. It's so earnest that it has the same vibe as a b-movie, which are always fun. Get it on sale and just enjoy the ride, for all it's absurdity.
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Thank you for reading my review :) <3