Way back, when i was just a little bitty boy, i was living in box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop, you know the place. Anyway, life was going swell and everything was juust PEACHY! Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mom would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut. BIG BOWL OF SAUERKRAUT. EVERY SINGLE MORNING it was driving me crazy, i said to my mom "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?", and my dear, sweet, mother looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train, and she leaned right down next to me, and she said: "IT'S GOOD FOR YOOOOUUUUU!!!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until i was 26 and a half years old, that's when i swore that some day, i'll get out of this basement and travel to a magical far away place, where the sun is always shinig and the air smells like warm root beer here the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!! Well let me tell you people it wasn't long at all before my deram came true, because the very next day our local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules on Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but i still won the grand prize - that's right, a first class one way ticket to ALBEQUERQUE, oh yeah. You know, i never been on a real airplane before, and i gotta tell ya, it was really great, except that i had to sit between two large albanian women with excrutiatingly severe body odor, and the kid in the back of me kept throwing up tyhe whole time, the flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore... and oh yeah three of the airplane engines burned down and we went into a tail spin and crashed into a hillside anf the plane exploded in a GIANT FIREBALL AND EVERYBODY DIED, except for me, you know why? CAUSE I HAD MY TRAY TABLE UP AND MY SEAT BACK IN A FULL UPRIGHT POSITION!!!! So i crawled from the twisted, burning wreckage, i crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, dragging along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and my 12 pound bowlnig ball and my lucky, lucky, autographed, glow-in-the-dark snorkel. Then finally i ariive at the world famous ALBEQUERQUE HOLIDAY INN where the towels are oh so fluffy, and you can eat your soup right outta the ashtrays if you wanna, it's okay, they're clean. So i checked into my room, and i turned down the A/C and i turned on the spectrevision, and i'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that i love so very, very much, when suddenly, there's a knock on the door... "Who is it?" - there's no answer, "Who is it?~" - Still no answer, "WHO IS IT?!" - they're not saying anything, so finally i go over and i open the door, and just as i suspected - it's some big fat hermaphrodite with a flock-of-seagulls haircut and only one nostrill... oh man, i hate it when i'm right. So he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel and i'm like: "Hey man, you can't take that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel for me!", And he's like: "Tough.", And i'm like: "Give it.", And he's like: "Make me", And i'm like, ok. So i grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and i bit off his ear, and he chewed on my eyebrows, and i took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation, yes indeed you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook, and 20 seconds later i heard a familiar voice, and you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said, it said: "IF YOU'D LIKE TO MAKE A CALL PLEASE HANG UP AND TRY AGAIN, IF YOU NEED HELP, HANG UP AND THEN DIAL YOUR OPERATOR" in ALBEQUERQUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!