Edit 23/10/2024
I am much better now. I couldn't finish school, so I had to quit after 4,5 years of trying. I am glad it's finally over, depression took almost 10 years of my young life I'll never have back, but I am glad I'm still alive, because I very easily couldn't have been. Now I got a part time job, but still struggle a lot to just start living again.
Here, returning to gaming is the relevant activity, but I really struggle to do it. I have gaming associated with really miserable memories from the last times I was still playing severely depressed and it's haunting me, not gonna lie. Especially TF2, my favourite game of all time. My last online game was in fall 2017 and it was horrible. It was koth_harvest. I couldn't see what was happening on my screen, I hit sick flick shots with muscle memory alone, even though I only vaguely saw what was on my screen. I won the round, top fragged, but felt like ♥♥♥♥, sad and defeated and wanted to kill myself. I haven't played online TF2 since, everytime I think about it the memory I just described vividly pops up in my mind and I can't stop seeing it, until I start thinking about something, anything else. it's happening right now as I'm writing this and it still sucks A LOT.
If you, one of my friends from the past, are reading this, I would love to talk about ANYTHING you want, or play some game or even play TF2, I can't do this alone, it's too difficult. My memory is damaged, but it would definitely warm my heart connecting with my friends from the past again. <3
And if you're a stranger stumbling over my profile and reading this, well, sorry you had to read it, I just had to post this for my friends (and for myself as well, to be fair).
I am so happy I can now work for little over minimum wage for few hours a day, or go buy groceries without feeling like I am running last mile of a marathon, or just talk to people without having a panic attack, or not think literally 24/7 how I should end myself in a way I will 100% die, the list goes on. Appreciate what you have while you have it, or you'll really struggle when your situation gets worse.
That's all I'll post here,
thank you all for everything and have a great day! <3







Hello, as you can tell, I'm not dead.
I've been going through serious depression and social anxiety in the past many years and I've been medicating since 2018. Also I go to psychotherapy in Prague, since meds alone didn't do the trick.
I'm doing much better now, but school is my main focus. The therapy helps me a lot, so hopefully I'll get back to playing games again every now and then.
Also I wasn't offline, I was just invisible the past year(s). ;)
Thank you all for many great memories in the past years and I hope we'll get some new ones in months and years to come.
See you all soon hopefully.
Love you all. <3







My trading achivements for those few of you who still give a shinkansen:

First Unusual hat owned: Smoking Engineer's Cap - 14/4 2014

Dream hat: Blizzardy Party Phantom - Acquired - 27/8 2014 <3

New Dream hat: Circling Heart Backbiter's Billycock - Acquired - 7/11 2014 <3 <3 <3

ANOTHER dream hat: Blizzardy Storm Villian's Veil - Acquired - 11/4 2015 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

MORE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ DREAM HATS: Circling Heart Master's Yellow Belt/Cold Killer with *some* unusual effect (duh) - Acquired - 5/10 2015 (Circling Heart Cold Killer) <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3