Ham Mafia

STOP! Put this on while you read: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks0wIstEA34
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This town was once the flame. It powered the world, believe it or not. We used to run this town, the ham and I. It was such a grand scene. The days were long, the skies were smooth, and even the nights were lively. Excellence seared of everyone. Then came the Frying Pan Nation. It become well reknowned for its seemingly "rigged" critical chances. The weapon was as comic as any, a frying pan! What an idea Valve had spawned that day! But it went too far. People died, real people stopped playing. These pan-wielders grew confident in their fighting.
Let me tell you something, kid. You know how many lobbies, or how many scrims, even how many highlander matches I've played, where somebody packs a freakin' pan? It's sick is what it is. There's no market value, there's only decadence. It's a sinful winning that must be no longer tolerated.
Now, I am of the firm belief that Gabe (God rest his soul), has implemented a runner-up-reskin of this Frying Pan. We now know this as the Ham Shank. With such power, what with it shall we do? We start now. You, with the empty cup. Yeah. We start by storming matches and freeing the oppressed. We walk forward, those of you who will fight, as our army is raised. The pan-nation ain't goin' nowhere, you hear me? We gotta stay focused, head forward, and hands steady.
There is no more law, you understand me? We have no law to help us; we are the law.
Remember, old sport:
When the rain stops, the ham will always be on top of the pan.


Theme Song