All Hail Ted

Chicago Ted? Chicago Ted? You tellin' me you ain't heard the story of Chicago Ted?

It was real early in the infection, the cities and everything were still gettin' evac'd all regular like, and me and some buddies were tryin' to get out. We were right near the city limits when a whole damn horde of them zombies start comin' down on us. We were holdin' our own real fine, when some damn Smoker jumps outta nowhere and takes Simon - I think he's dead, I haven't seen him since - and one of them Boomers shows up and vomits on me. And that ♥♥♥♥ stinks, I tell ya!

So what must've been half the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ city shows up and starts clawin' at us. We handle 'em real fine, but a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Tank shows up! So the Tank's knockin' us around, the Zombies are clawin' at us, and we're as good as dead, right? Just then, outta nowhere, someone throws a pipe bomb with some flashy ♥♥♥♥ on it, and the zombies start scramblin' after it! I look around, and there's some bastard runnin' at us, with an automatic shotgun in one hand and a baseball bat with some nails in it in the other! The guy starts blastin' the zombies, and - I ♥♥♥♥ you not when I say this, kid - he jumps on top of the ♥♥♥♥♥♥' Tank! So the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ is ridin' around on the Tank like it's some ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ rodeo, bashin' it in the face with his bat!! He managed to get us some time, so we all piled into a car and were about to drive off, when I yell out "Hey, buddy, what's your name?"

"It's Chicago Ted," he yells, "and don't you forget it, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥!"

That bastard saved our ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ lives! I tell ya, ain't no zombie safe from Chicago Ted!