Long ago there began a game. The game was called "kill everything that gets in your way and steal everyone's wife". But that name was too long to carve into stone on multiple occasions, so the name was shortened down to "golf" (you can blame the preinhabitants of the Nordic tip of modern-day Finland for the name).

Golf was war.

Golf was love.

Golf was the lust for bloodshed confined to civility and compacted into a complicated caricature of common decency as well as could be defined by men weilding clubs.


There was only one sure-fire way to ensure no one lost their life playing golf, and that was to mandate ridiculous outfits be worn. "Clowns cannot kill other clowns," said Robert Maule. "Clowns can only kill other non-clowns. That is the clown way." These words of wisdom stretched far and wide, and all golfers donned their clown attire in solidarity with other clowns. It seemed likely that the clown race would dominate and murder the world of non-clowns, but alas, China banned golf course development, hindering any chances of global golf domination. It seemed as though all was lost.
Or was it?


Golf With Friends is the mobilization of Global Golf Domination on a virtual level, inspiring the division of non-golfing friends. The more divisive the game is, the easier we golfers will be able to dominate them. Golfers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your handicaps; you have everything to gain!

Golf, as it is known to the layperson, still remains the best form of propaganda, and I say that with the hope in my heart that it might grow to become more than just the best.
It is my sincere hope that Golf With Your Friends will become the ultimate in anti-anti-clown propaganda. There is too little out in the world for clowns, and too much for the anti-clown armies to combat with. But I digress.

The terms used in golf are derived from signals given between golf players on the green. You see, when those who are in charge seek to hold you down, it is sometimes necessary to use coded language, or in the case of golfers, coded scoring.

It begins on the first hole, this coded playing and coded scoring. If a fellow golfer makes par on the first hole, he/she wishes his/her score to be coded as though each hole were responsible for one letter of his/her message. This is especially useful for communicating short words such as “danger” or “dinner?” (the question mark is usually implied in such cases by the golfer raising his/her club once, twice, then pausing before raising it a third time and walking off the green). It is not, however, useful for communicating such phrases as “your wife is cheating on you with the pool boy”, nor is it ever in good taste to tell a fellow member of the United Golfer Resistance that his/her wife is cheating on him/her through a series of coded shots during stroke play.

If the fellow member of the U.G.R. scores over par, then the message is simply too long to be understood by accepting the score on each hole as a letter, and therefore it is the duty of the receiver of the message to take notes (in shorthand, of course. This is why golf pencils are so short) on every single action the messenger takes. If the messenger walks off the green and seeks a nearby bathroom, it is also the duty of the receiver to read the context leading up to the bathroom break to determine if the messenger is needing relief, or if more of the message will be found in the messenger’s stall.
Members of the U.G.R. and the League of Anti-Anti-Clown Propaganda alike will tell you that the job of the receiver is a tough one. But only with such diligent receivers have we made it this far.

Lastly it should be noted that if the messenger scores under par on the first hole, the message will be exceptionally swift, and might be whispered in passing between the first two holes. The birdie is most frequently used to communicate this sort of message, with some exceptional receivers of note taking down “Abbey Threatened” and “Fly, you fools”.

For those of you wondering how exactly such messages can be encoded within stroke or match play, and how, further, it can be used in Golf With Your Friends, well, I would refer you to page 85 of the Handbook for Golfers; to be Used as a Weapon in the Fight Against the Oppressive Regimes, wherein you will clearly see how each hole has its own set of requirements for each letter or phrase it might reveal. The Handbook neglects to mention, however, the use of coded messages in the bathroom. The original text still retains those pages, but the latest printings, from the sixteenth edition on, do not have these signals, as the Department for the Efficiency and Betterment of Anti-Anti-Clown Propaganda deemed it “unnecessary” and “rude” and “overly complicated when golfers of separate genders were acting as messenger and receiver.”

I regret to inform you, fellow member of the U.G.R., that we may have been compromised. I implore you to use your handbook in your next match of Golf With Your Friends. The messages you receive may yet help us endure what I am almost certain is an invasion by those who would send us back to the caves and cages from whence our forefathers came. I beg you! Please do not stop the work you are doing to further the cause! We cannot fail now, not when we are so close to victory!

Hello, it is I. I must speak with you all about the _golf_ united televised event in Czechoslovakia last night. The _golf_ golfer activities on display were nothing short of deplorable. I have lost much of my faith in the _golf_ resistance men and women. It is time to flip a coin and decide if _golf_ headquarters or tailquarters is right for me. It may be true that _golf_ in the world may be no longer the high-stakes, risky-business, _golf_ danger that we once knew and loved. It could be that the players in Czechoslovakia have ruined it all, _golf_ send over the edge, never to be seen again. I have lost all faith in _golf_ for all time. Not a single thing can be done to win back my favor. It is with great sadness that I turn my head away from what was once a promising _golf_ char acter study, a promising _golf_ les son. Never in all my years have I been so disappointed in all that I have seen last night, not even when witnessing James _golf_ Munro and his short game. The man couldn’t make par to save his life.

I’m sorry, UGR, DEBAACP, and all of you who have Golfed With Your Friends. We have to pack it in and pack it up. The game is no longer afoot. The game is no longer a revolution, no longer a grand attempt at global conquest. The game is just a game.

Enjoy it while it lasts.