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This introductory section aims to distinguish the measured methodologies which will be observed throughout the rest of this manifesto, in time allowing YOU, the READER to come to a resounding agreement with my hypothesis. The meat and potatoes of my reasoning highlighted by the following comparisons:

• ⋆ Kiryu's and Osaka's origins.

• ⋆ Their importance within their franchises.

• ⋆ Unique traits and characteristics.

• ⋆ Superior fighting techniques.

• ⋆ And finally how their fight would go down.

Further I would like to elucidate on any concerns that would possibly betray the validity/ethical commitments that I have feverishly campaigned on, within my hypothesis. I am 100% Osaka-pilled and biased. I will stand proud and die on this hill just as the many brave loyalists of the Toyotomi clan did so at the Siege of Osaka in 1614.


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Ayumu Kasuga also commonly known by the gang affiliated moniker, "Osaka" or "Osaker". Reviled and highly venerated descendant of the great warlord Toyotomi Hideyoshi, she was born in her namesake prefecture of Osaka in 1984 (We do some minor retconning). Although a transfer student, she quickly proved to display intellect and sage like wisdom unfathomable by her Kansai peers. Assigned to Class 3 under the tutelage of Yukari Tanizaki-sensei - who I can only surmise as a drunken, incompetent and delusional educator; Osaka would most notably come into contact with peer students and terrorist-affiliated members such as Tomo Takino, Kagura and Ć̸͓̲̟͙̱̫͚̝̍̓͂̊̌͝h̷͎̗̪̘͔̘̖̋̅̀͒̒̀́ī̵͎͉͙͚̗̤̮́͆̅͗͐̉̒̈́̕͝ỳ̶̨̢̖͉͓̻͈̤̟̖̝̮̊̒̾͒̃̿͛̾͜o̴̗̘̖̺̐̈͒̒̅ ̸̡̘̱̺͈̗̬͌Ṃ̴̢̢̛͙̙̜̞̭͚̼̰̞̻̟̂͌̓͌̃͑̍͑̈́͝ḯ̵̡͍̖̼̼͕̿͂͋͂̾ḩ̴̰͈̼̜͖̻͂͗̊͠ą̵̧̛̬͈̼̗͔̽̎̅͘͜͠m̷̢̞͗̆̑̅͠a̸̝̠̞͔̝̩͆̌̔͐͊͠.


Osaka is a member of the Bonkurāzu gang (Also known in English as the Knuckleheads or Numbnuts). Osaka, alongside Tomo Takino and Kagura would famously go on to surpass Chiyo's exam results by collectively achieving 103 Points compared to Chiyo's pathetic 100. Osaka is noted for having the ability to enter a 'dreamlike' state of Zen whereby in this alternative pocket dimension, she can punish Chiyo for her earthly transgressions through the removal of her brain controlling pigtails. The Azumanga Daioh lore archives don't directly state this but it is highly suggested that Chiyo's Father is actually Osaka's Stand or visual manifestation of her life energy.



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Kiryu Kazuma also known under the following titles/aliases: Taichi Suzuki, Joryu, Inmate 1240, Dragon Mask, Judgement Kazzy, Dragon of Dojima, Star of Kamurocho, Uncle Kaz, Kazkaz, Kazu-chan, Ka-kun, Mister MesuKing, Juntaro, Kiryuin, Man with an Incomplete Dragon, Emperor of the Underground, Legendary Dragon, The Man Who Erased His Name and KIRYUUUU-CHANNN.

Kiryu, born 1968 was made an orphan by his future, now past tense dead beat dad - Shintaro Kazama. Kiryu spending most of his childhood at the Sunflower Orphanage, would become closely acquainted with the beloved Akira Nishikiyama (Protagonist of Yakuza: The Game™️), creating a strong brother-like bond between the the two. Kiryu's exposure to gang violence at such a tender age would gravitate him to join his father in the Dojima Family crime syndicate - catapulting Kiryu to life of petty crime and questionable fashion choices. However, while under the looming shadow of his more successful and better looking oath-brother Akira Nishikiyama, Kiryu would go on to cowardly abandon the Dojima Family in order to pursue his dream career of being a third rate Pocket Circuit Racer.

“Now Kiryu, it seems to me that you’re hating on Nishiki because he stacks paper to the ceiling and rides on 24 inch chrome.” - Reina

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It's hard to compare Osaka and Kiryu when you're basically comparing Strip Weathers to Lightning McQueen - There simply is no comparison, Osaka is the undisputed 🐐

Osaka is the lifestream to Azumanga Daioh, in the bleak dystopian setting where eldritch entities and world ending threats constantly loom over the denizens of Classroom 3 - There is ONLY Osaka who acts as the first and final bulwark against evil. Much like the Emperor of Mankind guiding and protecting humanity from the Immaterium, Osaker is shown in Episode Two destroying countless savage hordes of eye floaters in the pocket dimension, while completely indifferent to Tomo-Chan's brave standoff between a cockroach and Chiyo-The-Despoiler. Osaka also canonically met with U.S President George W. Bush on touching down at the LAX International Airport and later making a plead bargain to rescind a planned Coalition drone strike on Chiyo-Chan's summer residence.

Kiryu on the other hand only appears in a few sub-stories of the lesser known Yakuza titles. We see Kiryu briefly in Chapter 6 of Yakuza 0, handing over a lewd shrink-wrapped magazine to a minor. I think he does something in Yakuza 3, idk. Finally he makes a lukewarm reappearance in Judgement (2018), where he says, "It's Judgement -Shinpan- Time" and dies off screen. Honestly as the player we tend to forget these insignificant cameos and instead focus on the immaculate plot following Nishki's successful hair modelling career.
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"What I remember about the rise of the Empire is... is how quiet it was. During the waning hours of the Clone Wars, the 501st Legion was discreetly transferred back to Coruscant. It was a silent trip. We all knew what was about to happen, what we were about to do. Did we have any doubts? Any private traitorous thoughts? Perhaps, but no one said a word. Not on the flight back to Coruscant, not when Order 66 came down, and not when we marched into the Jedi Temple. Not a word." - Chiyo Mihama, 19 BBY.
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Osaka is a short king, towering at a comfortable 5'1" - she also likes to drink a cool, tasty juice and sometimes treats herself to a line of flour. She has a stiff back and is allergic to pollen. She could probably bench press 290 lb as demonstrated by her chopstick splitting strength. She looks grimacing in the shadows and is most likely autistic.


Kiryu is Blood Type O and has barrels for arms. Kiryu hopelessly tries to keep up to date with modern fashion trends and is most associated with FRAME blue jeans, shoes he "picked up in Mexico," a "maybe Prada" sweater and "some sport thing" underneath that. Uninitiated observers often point out that Kiryu is canonically a virgin yet I disagree - how else would he know what boobs are in Yakuza 6: The Song of Life.

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"You have to be trusted by the people that you lie to
So that when they turn their backs on you,
You'll get the chance to put the knife in." - Osaker

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"Domain Expansion: Immaculate Crack Rock
Domain Expansion: Homeless Fist ... That's Rad!" - Kiryu Kazuma (Probably).

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Osaka is an excellent hand to hand combatant, often employing advanced CQC techniques she learnt from her deployment during the Virtuous Mission, 1964. Osaka is also proficient in the deployment of improvised explosive devices, such as firecrackers and sea-borne limpet mines. She carries a Cold Steel Recon Tanto San Mai VG10 35AM combat knife on her at all times, and for home defence: A Lightsaber (Best to not question this fact, it's in the Ayumu Kasuga's Mail Order Life game, and that's all you need to know). Her close ties with local terror groups have brought to light several images of her armed with a Glock 45 and a baseball bat.


Kiryu punches and kicks people really hard.

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████ ██████ are sweet deep fried buns of dough similar to doughnuts, native to Southern China, there named ██ ████, then spread to the Japanese prefecture of Okinawa. They are also popular in Hawaii, sometimes known there simply as ██████. ████ ██████ is made by mixing flour, sugar and eggs.

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Honestly, they would probably both end up having a deep philosophical discussion about the scent of bread. Then ideally they would do a rad synchronised roundhouse kick on Chiyo - before walking off into the sunset with Mr. Tadakichi like gangstas.

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"I'm the patriarch of love." - Kiryu Kazuma

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• Who is Osaka?

• For the blind, She is the vision.

• For the hungry, She is the chef.

• For the thirsty, She is the water.

• If Osaka thinks, I agree.

• If Osaka speaks, I’m listening.

• If Osaka has one fan, it is me.

• If Osaka has no fans, I don’t exist.

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"I've seen horrors... horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that... but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror... Horror has a face... and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies! I remember when I was with Special Forces... seems a thousand centuries ago. We went into a camp to inoculate some children. We left the camp after we had inoculated the children for polio, and this old man came running after us and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went back there, and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried, I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out; I didn't know what I wanted to do! And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it... I never want to forget. And then I realised... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought, my God... the genius of that! The genius! The will to do that! Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realised they were stronger than we, because they could stand that these were not monsters, these were men... trained cadres. These men who fought with their hearts, who had families, who had children, who were filled with love... but they had the strength... the strength... to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men, our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral... and at the same time who are able to utilise their primordial instincts to kill without feeling... without passion... without judgement... without judgement! Because it's judgement that defeats us."

- Chiyo Mihama, 1969.

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Fin. The End.