This "secrets" guide contains the written transcripts of the consequence calls for incorrectly assessing an issue a caller has.

As a side note, some of the calls have additional sound effects or the performances are a little different than the written text. Edward's call on Saturday is a great example of extra storytelling through sfx long after the speaking lines have ended. It is recommended to check out some of these consequence calls in-game!

John here again, I got beef with you. Your people gave me bad info! What you sent us didn't have anything to do with our problem!! I'll be sure to tell our friends not to other calling.

Hey, sorry. I don't want to get anyone in trouble but I called recently about some noises I was hearing and the info I was sent seems to be incorrect, as I just found a family of mice in my attic. I'm so sorry, I'm sure you folks are really busy and mistakes happen. Just thought I'd give ya a tap and let ya know.

Hank here. That's strike two with you people!! First you tell me there's nothing, then you send me the wrong information! I did what your info package said to do and now there's even more critters in my yard! They're all staring at me now. They want me to...they want me to climb inside the tunnel. I must go inside. I must pay for my sins.

<coughting> Hey. Hey yeah you bat brains sent me some info when I was asking for some lawn care. Now my whole family is sick to our stomachs and itchy as all get out. <coughing> Thanks for nothing, jerk.

<Indiscernable sneezing sounds>

That info you sent me was useless! These cleaning crooks are still breaking into my house and taking who knows what!! The cops won't help and you're useless, so thanks for nothing!!

It's still crawling in the walls!!! Those instructions you sent didn't work at all! I'm going stir crazy here, I still haven't been able to sleep!! I hope you all rot!

Thanks a bunch for the terrible advice you sent me. My kid just fell through the freakin' wall from all the damage they dealt and we found out on our own what was going on. See ya never.

IT WASN'T BOB FROM ACCOUNT!! IT WASN'T BOB AT ALL! I SAW IT SCURRY AWAY!! WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME?? WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE INFO YOU SENT ME??? WHY IS IT GROWING BIGGER?? GET AWAY, STAY BA

It's HORRIBLE! I followed your instructions but it was NOT what you said it would be!! I think it's angry at me. I hear it slithering this way... Nooo! <shrieking>
Uhhhh I don't know what this weird info you sent me means, but I tried it and uh, it didn't fix the faucet. I'm calling a plumber, thanks a lot for wasting my time.

What are these useless instructions you sent me?? I still can't remember her... I still can't see her face...

Hi, so, I've been sleeping on the couch and now the pointy things are on the blanket I'm using and my legs are burning now! I have no idea what the point was of that stupid info packet you sent me but it's definitely coming from me. Guess I have to shower every day now. Thanks for making me figure this out on my own. <grumbling>

Hello. I followed every instruction your people sent me, but I'm still getting cracks on my wall. My daughter has called pest control, she told me not to call you anymore for help. I'm sorry. Goodbye.

IT'S IN MY BEDROOM RIGHT NOW. IT'S WATCHING ME. I THINK IT WANTS SOMETHING FROM ME. IT'S COMING CLOSER!!! IT'S COMING FOR ME!! OH GO-

It wasn't the faucet!!! It wasn't the faucet at all!!! What is this thing inside me?? Why was it growing on my garden?? I saw the X-Ray, it's horrible! It's disgusting! Please, I'm in so much pain! Get it out of me!! Tell the doctors to get it out of me!!

The info...the info you sent...no good...can't sleep...while it's watching me...I can't...I can't...it's...it's still out there... little creep...

What kind of business are you running? I took the advice you sent us, and nothing has changed! Now I'm about to go into the attic myself to see if I can't find out for myself what's happening, so the least you can do is stay on the line to hel-

OHH GOD! MY JEREMY! MY JEREMY!

That info you sent was garbage!! The cracks are getting larger, and now the basement is flooding!! You can tell your supervisor that you were no help whatsoever. I'm taking this into my own hands!!

AHHH!!! HOLES!!! HOLES EVERYWHERE ON MY FACE!!! THE DOCTORS WON'T HELP!! THEY ARE TRYING TO TAKE ME SOMEWHERE! PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME! YOU HAVE T-

Well I got good news and bad news. Bad news is, there info you sent wasn't any help at all, so uh, thanks for that. Good news is I found Goblin! She freakin' came crawling out of that hole with a big bump on her head or something so I'm taking her to the vet now. But uh, yeah. Thanks for trying I guess.

Hello again, yeah I'm having kind of an emergency now thank to the info you sent me not being effective in the slightest. This living room plant situation has only gotten worse, now the floorboards and walls are starting to groan under the added weight. There's something hiding in the tall grass by the couch and I don't think it's friendly. <gorans> Oh my god, it's moving! It's moving! <disconnect>

What is happening to my basement?? I followed your instructions, but it's not just an animal down here. This whole place... it's like some huge cave... how is this possible? <splashing and roaring> AHHHHHH!!! AHHHH!!

Those Satanists are still at large! Your instructions didn't help diddly squat! Now they're covering my house in vine, and hiding in the trees. I can see their glowing, evil eyes looking at me out there. Thanks for nothing. I'll take care of this myself.

Hey yeah thanks for nothing. I called again recently about some kitchen noises and your people once again sent me bad info. Maybe vet your people better, I'll be going for help elsewhere. Now were' having power outages so who knows what this thing in our house has gotten into now. Goodbye.

Yes, hi again. I'm calling for the last time to tell you that the advice you sent us was useless, so thanks for nothing. Just the other night I heard singing again, so I've sought business elsewhere. I have a private security team investigating the greenhouse as we speak. <distant screaming> What on earth?

That....THING bit my hand!! I was just turning off one of our laps and it latched on and bit me!! What was that thing?? Why do I feel sick? Am I going to die? <buzzing> Gah! It's back!! Get away you nasty thing!!

You were no help. I...I won't let her stay underground with that thing alone. I'm going after her. Tell my mother I love her.

You can't helpl me!!! The doctors can't help me!! I don't recognize who I am anymore!! I need to find it. I need to find that thing that stole me!!

The Trash....So much trash....It has consumed us. I live the trash. I breathe the trash. It will bury us...

Please, you have to help my husband, he's listening to the lights and he's following them now!! What do I do! The instructions you sent don't do anything!! He's walking into....Oh no.... STOP!! STOP WALKING!! NOOO!!

The person trying to reach you cannot connect to this earthly plane. Please try again later.

<violent door knocks> What the freak?! I'm turning pink!!! Like, what's happening to me?? The doctors sent someone to take me away!! I did what you told me to do!!! I did!!!

Hi. All my Merlot is RUINED because your overpaid staff gave me bad info. Now I have a killer headache and still have a nasty pest problem to deal with. I'm just calling to let you know, you did a bad job and you should be ashamed of yourself. You got red wine on your hands, you have to live with that.

You idiots!! It didn't work!!! The instructions didn't work!!! My babies!! My little babies are paralyzed!! Something happened, their skin turned hard!! They're bleeding that.... that stuff! Please, tell the doctors to give me my babies back. Tell them to give them back!!

GAHH! IT GOT IN AND IT TOUCHED ME!! IT TOUCHED ME AND NOW MY HEAD FEELS LIKE IT'S GOING TO EXPLODE!! I CAN FEEL SOMETHING MOVING INSIDE MY HEAD! IT'S GROWING!! GET IT OUT!! GET IT OUT!!!

Hello. Things are still good here. My brother has been taken care of, and you no longer need to concern yourself with our household. Good day.

The info you sent didn't help, and this family that claims to be mine is trying to have me committed. Where am I?? Where's my real family?? I need to get back to my real family!!! Get off me! You can't take me!! I need to get back to my family!

The pile keeps growing!! Tell me how to get rid of it! The instructions you sent didn't work!! It smells so foul, and I'm hearing angry voices coming from the walls. They keep telling me to eat it!! Please, I don't want to eat it, don't make me ea-

Hey yeah, Paul here again. Thanks a bunch for nothin' pal. I followed the instructions you sent and they did jack. I haven't gotten a wink of sleep, and my kids are all breakin' out in all sorts of rashes. See ya never.

Nope, screwed up again. Real good information you gave me here, it didn't fix anything. <child screaming> WOULD YOU ♥♥♥♥ UP, DADDY'S ON THE PHONE. Why is your mouth bleeding? What are you pointing at? AHHH! WHAT THE HELL IS TH-

It's in the house. Your people sent us instructions but nothing we did worked. It's not pranksters. I don't know what it is but I have a chance to take it by surprise...

Sheila here again. I called recently to ask about some buzzing in my cupboard, and the instructions I was sent didn't work! I still hear the buzzing, and it's giving me the most awful headache... Eeek! It's in my tea!! It's in my tea!!

Hi, my husband and I followed through on the infomation you sent us but we're still not feeling great. I've been having extra terrible vivid sleep paralysis and my husband has started using a machine for sleep apnea now so that's lovely. I think we'll be getting in touch with a new doctor so I suppose we're no longer in need of your services. Have a good day.

<indiscernable>

Hello? Hello? I need help. The instructions didn't help. I don't know what to do. My poor puppy Meatball, there's ...there's two of him. I found his rotting body.... I don't know what the other one is doing. He's watching me closely. He's standing up.... Meatball! Bad boy! Get down! Stop scaring mommy!

Hello, employee. Supervisor Carol here. We have received complaints that some of the answers you have been providing have been... inaccurate. I urge you to think more carefully on the answers you provide, before we are forced to terminate. You have been warned.

Hello, employee. Supervisor Carol here. We've been watching you for some time, and I must say we've been rather disappointed in your performance here. Many of our callers' lives have been altered for the worse thanks to your negligent answers. Your failure to treat your work here with the gravity it deserves has unfortunately forced us to make a very difficult choice in regards to your continued employment at HSH. Effective immediately, your employment here has been terminated. We wish you the best in your future endeavors.