TF2 is played by a wide range of players, with their age spanning from just a few years old, to some being born a very long time ago, there's no telling what's the average, oldest or youngest group of players playing the game at any given time, but we have something that unites us all that quite often both young and old people seem to miss out on remembering.

We're all untied under one weakness, the inability to live forever - there's no telling when, or how are we going to pass away and the only thing we can do is sit back and watch our lives go until our last breathing moment.

"Dear author, what are you saying that for?" - You may wonder.

Well, lemme tell you a little story that inspired me to write this guide:
This year's October, a man has committed suicide in a town near me, rest in peace.
Worst of all he has recorded the footage on a livestream.

I didn't give it much thought, and since nothing could have been done at this point to help the man, I stashed the entire subject at the back of my head and without a single care in the world, blissfully went on with my day.

After coming back home my father has came up to me and told me to sit down and watch something with him- it was the video livestreamed by the aforementioned man.

It wasn't anything special or interesting to say the least for the first few minutes - just the guy driving in a car, circling around some spot as if he couldn't decide on doing something, until he started to aggressively accelerate, took a sudden right turn heading directly towards a tree, took a deep breath...

And seemingly in an instant, he passed away at the spot.

What I have witnessed, and what I just have described, were the last moments of a man who decided to cut his life short, to put an end to it because of personal issues I'd rather not bring up as they are meaningless in this context.

He has made a conscious decision not to live anymore, just because he could not handle the wrongdoings of another person, ending it all rather than dealing with the issues, that most probably, have caused him great pain and suffering.

That one moment, where he took a deep breath, and hit the tree in front of him made me feel something that's hard to describe.

It was not fear, as I was not afraid of what has transpired.
It was not sadness, as I have not known the man.
It was not powerlessness, as this has already happened and nothing
could have been done about it.

What it was, was a short pulse, a sharp shock that went through my body, followed by a dash of sweat covering my forehead - and a quick, but very vivid flash of death.

From what I understand, humans were not designed to see someone else's death - as if they were in the position of view of the one dying. Perhaps that's why the feeling was alien - but familiar.

It was exactly what you experience just a moment before death - and after that, you're gone.

This isn't a secret, death is really just a part of life, its closing chapter, but in that very moment it made me realize that I will die and some day pass away without knowing how, when, or why.

"It may seem neverending, we all fade away..." - Ryan Karazija (1982-2022).

---

That event began my a long and painful journey that I have yet to conclude, but I still wish to tell what I have experienced so far.


Death is not limited to the realm of the living, its also something which things we wouldn't necessarily call "alive" experience.

I'm not talking about things like cutting down trees - destroying natural habitats and so on, I speak of things that have faded into obscurity and are no longer used, or even worse - have been forgotten about.

Its easy to name things like phonograph cylinders, mechanical calculators, oil lamps, butane lamps - these few things are nowadays so uncommon and have been replaced by better counterparts, their usage is practically pointless - they're just relics of the past.

On the other hand, things that have been collectively forgotten by humankind - are once and forever gone. Never to be restored, never to be found, never to be known of, and the worst part is that we don't even know what was it that we have lost.

TF2 is currently on its slow, but certain descent into obscurity just like any other thing in this world. It will not die, nor disappear in the nearest feature, but it's getting there, day by day - closer to its inevitable shutdown and disappearance.

Is it dead now? No.
Will it go away eventually? Yes.
So is it close to death? I wouldn't say so...

So what's happening to TF2? How come is the game peaking with its player counts whilst simultaneously getting no Valve made content in the meantime?

What's driving the community forward to the game and what's pushing the developers back?

My dearest reader, if you have yet to try falling asleep one day - just to be woken up by a scary thought, thought much scarier than a monster underneath your bed or a creature looking at you from the most further and shadowy corner of your room, then be glad these made up horrors is what you fret.

The entirety of this year's November - for me was a waking nightmare every single moment, but sleeping was the absolute worst.

A pleasant experience to date has began to make me feel anxious and uncertain of what lies beyond sleeping, what lies beyond not sleeping and what truly does it mean to sleep eternally, without knowing that you're sleeping at all.

Being tucked in your bed, comfortably forgetting what transpired in the day prior and getting ready for the day ahead is something I could no longer do.

The only thought that was bouncing off from the inner walls of my hollow head - was that sleeping is like dying. A sudden moment that you can't ever seem to remember, a moment that just happens momentarily without your knowledge nor your consent.

And waking up... Waking up on the other hand is being suddenly shaken awake from the nothingness, from the unconscious process your own brain does just to have enough power to keep on working through the next day.

The very first thought I had daily was an acknowledgement - and a clear statement, either said in my mind or out loud;

"I'm going to die someday".

And after stating these words, panic began to ensue.

---

With this knowledge everything I knew began to fall apart - death was always around me, the ones I knew, the ones I loved, yet somehow it felt more real than ever before.

Manic thoughts ran over simple thought processes that I'd go over in school, every passing moment was fleeting away with each moment, and as that moment passed I couldn't grasp the next one coming- so all of them just passed and passed among agony, confusion, sadness, until the most terrifying thought came back once again;

"I'm going to take a last breath some day and finally let go, see years upon years pass by and then..."

Disappear? It cannot be. Its not possible, it cannot! I mean, you're born and then you live- but why must we die? Why can't we just keep on living on and on and on and...

And so, what, do we just disappear once and for all? All of this is for nothing? Nothing at all? How can this be? Why can I understand it? I don't wanna go now, I wanna stay for a bit, at least for enough time to... to... I don't know.

So what's the point of this, is there any? Was there every reason to keep on going? I-I don't know! With all of that time humanity must have thought of something, right? We're just... What... Man.
So when I'll pass on I'll just sleep eternally? Never to be awaken? All of my efforts, all of my attempts at being good, all of my sins, all of my wrongdoings, they don't matter?

And then, like an angel coming down from the sky, somewhere at the end of the month, I heard a voice saying:

"People get used to the thought" - my father told me.

Hearing these words, slightly lifted me up. I walked to my room, looked at the calendar and couldn't believe it. It was 24th of November already. Most of the month has passed by with me doing nothing but panicking, fearing the worst, unable to cope with it spending days thinking about the same thing over and over - I stopped eating often, drinking water, soda, playing games, studying at all, doing anything really.

I wasted all of this time thinking about how time goes on and on and on and on... Without using any of it to my own gain or satisfaction.

By that point the last time I played TF2 was around the end of October. I couldn't get myself together - but hearing my father speak to me shed some light onto things.

So TF2 had its 15th anniversary on the 13th of October - no special celebration was made, Valve seemingly hasn't even acknowledged the fact and the day just passed on like any other.
20th of October was the 5th anniversary of Jungle Inferno release, the last major update to date.

So what, time flies by and TF2 has not changed one bit, its still a fun game, I still enjoy playing it - its still fun to trimp around upward and catch snipers off guard, its still fun to sticky jump to the other side of the 2Fort and harass the players trying to get out of spawn, its still fun to just hop into a Dustbowl server just to defend the final point on the third map for twenty minutes and then have it captured in the last second, its still fun to go on a random community server, have some fun with the people on them, its still fun to play on Uncletopia for a more serious experience - its all still fun. Its as much fun as I remembered it, and it will be just as much fun in the future, then why do I worry so much?

Why do I worry to lose what made TF2 the game I loved prior to Jungle inferno - or maybe I just... Can't accept that it won't ever be the same game ever again?

Time is a tough enemy - I'm not even talking about the very being of time, that's a different subject in its own - but, time, time just lets death do its thing. Make things slowly wither away, even though...

It seems never ending.

And there's not one thing I can do about it, no one can at all.

"Golly gee, that was some edgy stuff in the last paragraph of the guide!" - you may say my dearest reader, and yes, I do agree, and lemme speak to the young and creative minds out there, it was quite "cringe". Don't worry a bit about that though, as for now we'll leave the author's personal stories in the background whilst we focus on different things!

So, have you ever experienced such a slip in your day to day life?
If not, I god darn respect your position on the nature of things - and on the nature of life.

If you have, then I guess we're on the same page! Both very confused, both scared on a day to day basis, trying to find sense in all of it, trying to make the best out of time, but in the end wasting too much of it on planning, trying to see why, how and what for are we on this forsaken earth, upon hundreds and hundreds of trillions of galaxies within the seemingly endless universe-

Okay, went a little to far.

The main point in all of this - if there's death, an abrupt end to our lives, once and for all, does living even make sense? A fantastic point isn't it? Why bother if there's nothing to do?

---

We're all born in different circumstances, different families, with different people that may love us or not. There's nothing we can do about it, call it faith, call it chance, call it whatever, it doesn't change the fact that you have been born on a certain day, at a certain time from the relation of certain people.

Most people happen to have a normal relation with their caretakers - they spend a good amount of time rising you, making time for you so that one day you yourself can be a walking, talking, feeling and understanding human being. You may love them, you may not, but all in all there was purpose in them doing all they could for you to live.

It may not be noticeable at first, but parenthood is most probably a very difficult process.

I for example, even though of my mother's passing from my family, am very glad for the time I have spent with them and the time I will get to spend with them. I know they will pass away eventually as well and I will have no one to care by that point, but until then I will try to search for other things that will give me meaning in life, something I can latch onto and hold tight.

For me its family, but for you- yes, for you, what is the thing that makes it all seemingly worth it?
Maybe friends, significant other, children, games, a certain craft, a hobby, a calling, religion, curiosity- what is it for you that soothes the unbearable moments throughout the days?

As much as I wish I could give you an answer, its not my task to led you to a path that you must find yourself - one which yours and only yours.

Look around, choose your own ground - its something that will remain a mystery as long as you won't be able to find it.

So all in all, is there a way to truly understand why are we alive and why do we die?

Perhaps its what we make of life is what life truly is.

So, haha, looks like we can't do a thing about all of this.

Defeat is not something bad in this context - try imagining living forever; sounds good at first right?

Well neither does living for only a certain amount of time.

---

You, me and everyone you know are slowly being backed up to a corner by death - its like a slow paced race that ends in an inevitable end.

Every day we come a bit closer to the finishing life - we will achieve our win in this race eventually, with a morbid price that we are forced to take.

Its uncontested why is it like so, and that's it.

All you have to do is live.

Now, I know I may be asking for too much from some of you - as of course, living is pain.
Thinking about living is pain, thinking about dying is pain:

Thinking is to pain, to be hurt by the spoken and unspoken truths and lies that we see and try to understand.

The only certain thing in life is death. Nothing else.

Imagine life as a ride with random events happening to you now and then - some which you can control and some that you cannot - what you will do during these events is what you choose to do.

You can imagine that defeating death is something among the lines of ending death as a phenomenon - but to me its something else.

---

To me, defeating death happens just before dying - when the last thing you're able to say is that you have enjoyed life, even though it might have been short, tragic, unfair - too long, fulfilling, happy and satisfying, whatever it was, however bad or good it was.

"No, you won't do anything, you got to live!
You simply got to live, live...
You got to live with a bounty on your head,
and a death sentence without a trail,
and with lung cancer that may kill you,
and when the ship is sinking,
and when the airplane is falling,
and when you can't live anymore, you don't have to anymore"
- Jan Rybowicz "Trzeba żyć".

Missing out:

I'd like to apologize for pushing you to the point in which you were reluctant to speak of our relationship, to be honest it was an absolutely amazing experience and as I said yesterday, I'll miss these times - and I'll remember you, but something like this is never going to happen to me. Everything is uniquely different in its own form, even our friendship, that I promise to uphold as long as I can. Moments pass and its just saddening to see that you're giving me another chance
to keep our friendship running - because if it wasn't for your kindness, we probably wouldn't be able to talk.

What do I say - I promised to keep fighting for your love, but it is nothing but a fool's promise, I'm almost certain you won't love me ever again.

See how ironic it is - when I tried leaving you, because I've seen how valuable of a person you are to me, and that eventually, in the future, something would fall apart, break, something would go wrong - you told me that you have feelings for me that I had within too, and I finally opened up to you as well.

And look, something did fell apart, and it was me. Not surprising - and I expected it. That's why people leave me sooner or later, I'm a lunatic.

So I was right, you were of great significance and still are. I dreamed of how would it be to get to truly know you - in person, and would you still love me or not when you got to know me.

What can I do, what do I do?

Its uncontested, but I will stay.

I love you.

1. You are mortal and so is everything around you.
   
2. There's nothing you can do about it.
   
3. You both have and don't have influence over you life,
   so why not take action over the things you have influence on?

Got it? Perfect.

One cannot cheat death - but one can remember about it and apply its principles to achieve things that will make one's living easier.

"Knowing it will pass, take full advantage of it without making it any difficult for the ones around you" - that's my take.

Some may take these words and do this: "Knowing it will pass, take full advantage of it".

Some may take these words and put them like this: "Knowing it will pass, take full advantage of it and make it difficult for others to achieve the same".

And other will just say: "Knowing it will pass..." - without ever knowing how to finish the sentence.

Death comes - uniting all, if you want it or not, take away what you want from it.

From coherence to incoherence - before you born, everything up until you happened, happened, and after you will pass on, everything will continue to happen.

Nothing, nothing at all can be done - so remember that things happened before you were, and things will keep on happening after you won't be.

Obscure. But real.

---

Could memory be all that we will ever be...?

---

I feel slightly demented knowing that one day - it'll just go, poof, just like that.

Do what you can. Enjoy what you can. Before you won't ever be able to. Play some TF2. Do whatever.

If you'll live, it'll all be good, I guess.

Initially I intended for this "guide" to be a funny and quirky way to incorporate TF2 to the idea of inevitability of death - but with each passing chapter I started to find less and less sense in what I wrote. At this point I really don't know what else to say.

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Yeah. I think by this point continuing this will hurt me more than help others - this entire text is just like indistinct chatter in text form. Take away what you will from it - you may understand a few things I tried to represent here, but in the end it just unhinged rambles.

Good day, night, whatever time it is, keep on living and have a good time during it, don't hurt others on purpose and make sure that the moment you're spending right now will be a happy memory in the future.

Peace.