Introduction

Hello, and allow me to introduce myself! I am Dr. Sarcasm, professor of misanthropy, analogies, and elitism at a university that wouldn't even consider your application. That's just how exclusive it is.

By my condescending tone, however, you've probably guessed that I'm very good at something. You'd be right, but don't get cocky yet. I have completed at least 10 tours in every area of MVM - and would have finished many more, but tickets are expensive, like yachts or caviar. All these tours automatically qualify me to teach MVM 101 to every member of the TF2 community, whether they're interested in learning or not. If you're not familiar with the MVM 101 course, it's the one that involves delivering a large quantity of ultimatums over the chat feed or mic. Please know that I am also an accredited Tank Rider, a victor 15+ times over on Wave 666, and have personally killed Capt. Punch with a baseball bat. For my tank riding accreditation, please visit the profile (and screenshots) of my good friend TK-44 (http://steamproxy.com/profiles/76561198044110225).

He has a Ph.D. in Engineering from MIT (Mannworks In Trouble) and more tours than you could probably count on your abacus of a computer. I, on the other hand, am here to write about an important subject in the exciting and potentially headache-inducing world of MVM. First, a brief bit about this game mode, for those who were simply attracted here by the title of the guide.

MVM

MVM is a cross between a first-person shooter and a tower defense game. In it, several woefully underequipped mercenaries face off against an army of ever-more-ingenious robotic nightmares, bent on delivering a small nuclear weapon to a Mann. Co. factory / landmark / ramshackle barn. It looks a bit like this:



Golly, doesn't that look fun? Actually, it is. Some people have spent over $600 playing this, albeit rarely. You'll know them by their gravelly male voices calling you out on your weapon choices. The robots, on the other hand, can be just as cruel:



If it looks like a scout-bot flipping you the bird, that's because it's a scout-bot flipping you the bird. (Note: actually, it just looks that way. Valve is class-ier than that.)

MVM, depending on the server, stands for either "Mann vs. Machine" or "Many Vile Mistakes." The latter case crops up quite frequently in Boot Camp, which is usually full of society's peasants:



There are many guides to playing this game mode, and a few of them are even useful. I won't bore you with the usual caustic rants about mad milk, the brass beast, and the absolute Lovecraftian horror of the mini-sentry, since all those topics are old hat - much like the Ghastly Gibus. Instead, I simply wish to provide an accurate and up-to-date publication allowing for the easy identification (and subsequent ridicule / bullying / kickvoting / unbindall-baiting) of the most common variety of MVM player. Specifically, the n00b.

"Well," you may ask, leering at me from behind the achievement-based and totally one-of-a-kind hat you just received for no apparent reason, "what's that?"

Surprisingly, a good question! A "noob" can be more than one thing, much like a politician or the strange man hanging around outside your house. There are two varieties of this homophone - the "n00b," and the "newb." The distinction is relatively simple: a "n00b" is an idiotic player, genetically predisposed toward foolish weapon choices and the necessity of using the mic perpetually. His title is often spelled with zeros replacing the standard O-letters in his name, primarily to show just how incredibly "leet" the angry non-n00b typist really is.

How they see themselves:


A "newb," on the other hand, is simply a new player, with the possible ability to transcend his knowledge-deprived state. I've met many pleasant "newbs" during MVM, and all have shown a willingness to learn or a tendency for quitting without the need to bother initiating an official kick. Unfortunately, the greater part of their race turn out to be "n00bs" - or "noobs," as they will subsequently be referred to, for the sake of any less-mathematical readers. Please note that if you have already thought of another, more anatomical word that rhymes with "noob," or are still dwelling on the prefix "♥♥♥♥," then you automatically place yourself into the less-desirable category. If this is the case, you may see several incarnations of yourself on the upcoming list, or some behaviors to which you'll automatically aspire.

Anatomy Of A Noob



Before I proceed to the actual field guide, I'd like to go over a brief set of evolutionary characteristics shared by the vast majority of TF2's noob population. Noobs come in many species, colors, and degrees of inefficiency, but often share a certain set of traits.

While common, these traits are not always fully present in a full-grown noob; indeed, some may be absent completely. However, their very presence is usually a good indicator that you have come across a noob, or a noob mimic, as will be discussed later.

Here's how to classify them:

Kingdom: Valvia
Phylum: Fortressia
Class: Hordemodia
Order: Noobus

The kingdom encompasses all Valve games, except the third installation of each one, which are classified with unicorns and chupacabras somewhere. Of the kingdom Valvia, Fortressia is the largest phylum. Members of this biological tree are notable for their hoarding instinct, obsession with hats, and generally, compulsive need to open virtual boxes.

List of Traits and Heagear

First of all, allow me to clear up a common misconception.

A noob is more than just the player constantly dying to robo-crits.


Rather, it is a diverse body of organisms, varying constantly in appearance. Here are a few common traits possessed by this body, and why they usually designate a noob player. Although hats and misc. items don't create a noob by themselves, they're often signs of one. Better gear is usually a sign of a more-dedicated player, but not always. The following list simply includes some common traits that noobs frequently exhibit - this is not to say that everybody wearing them is a noob. However, a disproportionate number of them are. Don't stereotype, but feel free to become suspicious.

1. The Ghastly Gibus - The preferred headpiece for most TF2 noobs, and a bit of a walking stereotype. The Gibus is old, hideous, and free - perfect for a foolish new player. It was conceived during the first TF2 Halloween event by the same department of Valve responsible for the expedient release of Episode 3. This ancient hat of power (as it must appear for the world to make any sense) now exists in many forms, nearly all of which are achievement-based. Since free items are the best friend of a noobish player, it is quite common to see one wearing a Gibus as part of his/her attire. The Gibus is less worrisome than some of the other items included in my list, but still a sure sign of impending doom. On the other hand, if it is painted or listed as a "Ghastlierest Gibus," you may not have to worry, as the player in question might very well be an "Elder Noob," and possess a rudimentary cerebellum. His newly-evolved brain allows higher reasoning, to a certain extent. He can perform simple tasks, such as meat-shielding you from crits.

Disclaimer: There will be a large number of Gibuses present in this guide. This was not intentional, and happened through the routine observance of noobs in their natural states.

2. Mercenary Badge - A very, very bad sign. This item is given automatically to every player when they join the game, and is also rather hideous. Most players delete it in an apoplexy of disgust. However, for a very-first-time player, it does have a certain rusty allure. Somebody wearing a mercenary badge probably has very little in the way of either skill or gear. A friend of mine at the University of Turbine did a psychological study that correlated usage of the badge (affectionately dubbed "the Badge of Infinite Horror") to a high-incidence of inbreeding on the part of the player, but it was blocked from publication by those socialists at the FCLU (Fortress Civil Liberties Union). Note that if the badge is silver, gold, or platinum, it probably means the person has been playing for several years and may be deserving of internet respect. Badges of these varieties stopped being given away early in TF2's development, and should not be taken lightly. The "Primeval Warrior" badge is especially rare, and indicates a beta participant - likely a person who has forgone a social life in favor of a virtual one, and hence, a perfect addition to your team.

3. Pyrovision Goggles - A free promo given away in the Pyro update. Also achievement-based, and induces an arguably-horrible graphical change, as well. Something of an LSD-infused Gibus, but not as worrisome as the mercenary badge. A few players actually wear the Goggles for the effect, so be careful when using them to identify a noob. It is very commonly paired with the Gibus for maximum effect, so the player can be both drugged-out and hideous - rather the Britney Spears of TF2. Please, for the sake of all creation, don't let them sing.

4. Seal Mask, Bag Mask, Horsemann's Head, Bombinomicon, MONOCULUS!, Party Hat, Smissmas Spirit and Merasmus' Skull - Event items that remain fashionable for about a day beyond the occasion, then become idiotic forever. All are given from achievements or common loot drops, and are relatively easy to obtain. Note that a tradable Horsemann's Head is extremely rare and valuable, and usually indicates a person willing to spend his life's savings on hats that aren't real. Despite this behavior, he's often very good at the game. The Saxton Hale bag mask is also less of a cause for worry, as it can only be crafted by some dedicated collecting of the other bag masks. I can just imagine someone asking the person what he collects, to which the prompt reply is, "virtual bag masks." Whereupon, the other person flees screaming into the night, probably in search of normal people.

5. MVM Badges - Ah, the irony. These were impressive back when MVM was new and difficult, but now simply indicate a lack of better gear. The Expert badge is still a bit distinguishing, especially if it actually has a goodly number of tours on it, but the others - especially the "Normal" or "Easy" mode badges - should not be worn except to troll non-MVM players. This only applies with a significant number of finished tours, though. As some players have completed 200 of these, the little "3" beside your name begins to look comparatively less interesting.

6. Mann. Co. Hat - Given free with one's first store purchase, like a sticker or a cheap keychain. Less horrible than a mercenary badge (like everything else in the game), but still a sign of a very-new player. Ask him if he has an unusual, since you may be able to steal it from him for some weapons. (Advice courtesy of {LINK REMOVED}TF2Traders.com, all rights reserved.)

These are all commonly-encountered items that designate a noob, but none is a sure sign of one. A positive identification can only be made of a player exhibiting a combination of extremely-irritating behavior and a penchant for choosing exactly the wrong weapon. Don't be quick to judge from attire, but you should become suspicious. If you yourself are wearing many of these items, don't panic - you have options, such as taking them off (very unlikely), replacing them with better ones (even more unlikely), or just playing very, very well (Half-Life 3 unlikely*). Also, would you like to trade that worthless unusual for my shiny new Concheror?

*but still not impossible!



Noobs by Family

Each of the nine families (some insist on calling them "classes," a stark violation of taxonomical principles) in the game has its own varieties of noob - some more irritating/worthless/suicidal than others. A few can be tolerated as part of a good team; others are so ridiculously-boneheaded in their decisions that a kickvote is the only thing that will stop them from ruining your game. Check the following list of pictures and behavior patterns, and then try to identify the noobs in your next round of MVM. If you're having trouble finding any, as stated earlier, try looking around in Boot Camp. If you're really having trouble, check your internet connection, or look in the mirror.

Family: Crocketidae

An odd breed of creature that does best hunting with other species. Has evolved a natural flag-like frill that he can deploy, empowering those around himself. Whether he chooses to do so is often the difference between a noob and a well-adjusted member of the soldier community.


• Splashdamagus Ignoramus (The Direct Hitter) - A well-meaning and very common variety of soldier-noob with a limited capacity for logic. His brain sees the attack bonus on the Direct Hit, does some rapid calculations, and decides to pass over the lack of meaningful splash damage. Never mind the fact that a large clustered group of robots is about to attack - the Direct Hitter, like a sniper against a swarm of gnats, is ready. A notable feature of his species is that its members are remarkably poor at aiming. Please note that, of all the soldier noobs, this one will argue the most vehemently in favor of his weapon, repeatedly citing the damage statistic and rocket speed until you almost want to agree with him. For the sake of your team, do not. Look for a soldier who's firing wildly at a smug giant, or attempting to airshot an exceptionally-hyperactive scout. (Note: after the Two Cities update, investing in "Rocket Specialist" gives the Direct Hit some splash damage, making it more useful. However, except in some very specialized circumstances, the normal rocket will still be a better option.)


• Barebackus Critless (Bruce Bannerless) - Don't make this soldier angry. Wait, though - you can't, since he has no "rage" bar. The Bannerless is another very common noob. The natural crit-inducing frill native to most soldiers is strangely absent from his anatomy, possibly because his real-life counterpart has been similarly neutered. The soldier should be encouraged to equip the Banner immediately, or suffer a forced class change. A Battalion's Backup is acceptable in some very rare cases, if there are a huge volume of crit-boosted robots incoming. Look for a soldier with a bare back, as if he's just been broken in at the ranch.

• Buffbannerus Isolationus (The Lone Ranger) - The soldier equivalent of the Die Hard Heavy. His species has a fully-functional banner, but without the generosity native to his class. His usual practice is to run off into the middle of nowhere, deploy the banner, and either forget that he's out of ammo or die horribly. Simply encourage him to stick close with a buddy heavy, and avoid talking to strangers, except the friendly ones (such as yourself). Look for a deployed banner way off in the wilderness somewhere, and you've spotted a Lone Ranger.

Some noob soldiers are only encountered once in a BLU moon. Logging, pollution, and an influx of skilled players have threatened the populations of these rare varieties of soldiers, who deserve a section of their own...


• Substitutus Horribilis (William the Concheror) - A rare species of Bruce Bannerless with a bit more brainpower, primarily used for making poor weapon choices. Due to a genetic defect, equips the Concheror in place of the Banner. (Really, what does it even do?) Can be readily identified by his strange and hollow call, as well as the irritation he seems to sow among his teammates.

• Solderius Sasquatch (Rocket Ralph) - Perhaps an urban legend, perhaps a real player. Uses a combination of the Rocket Jumper and melee/secondary weapons, for reasons unfathomable. If he exists, he's most certainly a troll, and should be treated as such. Look for a grainy or blurry speck somewhere in the night sky, and you may have spotted the elusive Rocket Ralph. Occasionally seen in the company of a twerpy little man with a golden hammer and a small army of Disney lawyers.


• Pewpew Secondarius (The Bison Sentinel) - A soldier imprisoned in the Coaltown desert for a hundred years, and uses a laser-like sidearm as a primary. Perhaps he heard it was "good" from a sage somewhere in the badlands. In any case, no rocket launcher for him - just the ray-gun, and not the Republican kind. He can be tolerated on easy maps, but should otherwise be re-banished immediately. Look for a soldier who appears to have escaped one of the cheesier episodes of Star Trek. (Note: a single Bison is relatively worthless, but a whole team of them becomes quite deadly. Occasionally, on the final round, a 6-Bison squad is a fun way to end the mission, but only if your team is willing to go along.)


• Swordis Kamikaze (The Shamurai) - An average soldier who made the mistake of equipping a cursed sword (the Half-Zatoichi) and can't put it down. If this keeps happening, he should be trapped and mercy-killed, or forced to commit seppuku. Look for a soldier who keeps charging into a mass of enemies, probably looking for an honorable respawn.

• Footwearus Inconceibabilis (A Boy Named Shoe) - A rare variety of the "Bruce Bannerless" type, unusually attached to his footwear. It is one of the enduring questions of MVM biology what he expects to gain by equipping the Gunboats or Mantreads. Extremely uncommon, likely because he's too dumb to survive very long. You'll know him by de-feet.

Family: (Facestabidae)

Thankfully, a relatively rare family of noob, though a very diverse one. Spies tend to join your game stealthily, as if they're sneaking across the US-Mexico border, or else going to the prom with a close relative. There are few spies in Mann vs. Machine, and only the barest handful have any skill. Treat these carefully, like you would a caffeine addict holding a grenade.



• Stabbis Ineffectualis (Pokey) - A species of spy who never learned to hunt, or is simply perpetually unfortunate. A Pokey can usually be observed attempting to butter-knife a robot to death, as backstabs are significantly above his skill level. Despite their obvious fallacies, this type of noob makes up the majority of the spy population. To identify, look for a spy who appears to be playing the "I'm-not-touching-you" game with a Terminator, complete with the predictable ending.


• Noknifus Revolvus (Gun McShooty) - Having a Gun McShooty on your team is the equivalent of having a pop-gun clown at an NRA convention. Not completely unarmed, but about as close as humanly (or virtually) possible. The Gun species of spy attempts to use his native and extremely unimpressive revolver as a primary weapon, never mind the fact that he could be doing 200x the amount of damage as another class. Still, though, you'll infrequently encounter him in MVM, standing right beside you and doing about as much damage as Ron Paul at the firing range, probably to a tank. Look for a spy who seems to think he's in the Wild West. After that, bury him 6 feet under.

• Disguiseus Nohecantus (The Failed Ploy) - When fighting an army of angry robots, it's useful to remain disguised as long as possible, like Ashton Kutcher trying to sneak across the campus of a women's college. In that case, the Eternal Reward (or that voodoo knife, as depicted) seems to be a great choice. Except, it isn't. The dark god Gaben decreed that these knives would have a lengthy transition period in MVM, as any new spy will rapidly discover. Some don't realize this...ever. Look for a spy who dies frequently, usually with a shocked expression on his face.

• Timidus Espionagus (Pierre the Scared) - The biological counterpart of the hiding engineer/medic, probably a result of convergent evolution. Why Darwinian evolution would favor such a thing, though, I have no idea. A Scared Pierre is a spy who has a longtime fear of commitment - and probably, rainbows and ladybugs. Somewhere in his psyche, he desperately wants to be a useful part of your team, but the prospect of actually getting anywhere near the robots is too terrifying for him to comprehend. You may see one hanging back, waiting for the right time to strike, which may come several millennia in the future. Look for a spy who makes J.B. Ismay seem heroic.


• Sappus Sobriefus (Running Sap) - Occasionally, groups of robots will be observed deactivating themselves for a few moments, then shrugging it off and continuing their mad rampage. This event has been attributed to a variety of sources - atmospherics, electromagnetic disturbances, and Windows Vista attempting to update. The best current theory, however, is that a certain species of spy is momentarily sapping them, then running away. Why he does not stick around to press his advantage is anyone's guess; perhaps incontinence, cowardice, or something far more mundane. At any rate, you may gain a momentary advantage on the battlefield, or instead be lulled into a false sense of security and die. If you think a Running Sap may be lurking close by, watch for a cluster of robots to deactivate, then try to see a skinny figure disappearing into the nearby alley without attacking.

Family: (Spamfiridae)

The Team Fortress 2 equivalent of a charging rhino, this group has evolved an incendiary appendage that can prove quite lethal up close, if used properly. As in every herd, though, there are the weak and sick individuals. Be on the lookout for them. (Author's Note: the Phlogistinator is no longer the preferred noob weapon, as it appears to have evolved a method of coaxing critical hits from tanks. It can certainly be used ineffectively, but no more so than any other flame-caster.)


• Skulkus Backburnus (The Spyro) - A pyro who thinks he's sneaky enough to get behind somebody and who worships an elusive deity called "Crit." His strategy can be likened to a hippopotamus playing hide-and-seek with a lion - in the middle of the Sahara desert. If you see him try to airblast, laugh at his expense, and then encourage him to evolve into a normal pyro. Listen for the mighty-and-highly-conspicuous roar of his flamethrower. It sounds like the demonic cries of a million free-to-play spies, and is nearly as ineffectual. Can be vociferous in defending his weapon's damage, as if a pack of hyenas interrupted the aforementioned game of hide-and-seek.

• Flaregunnus Fixationus (Alan Wake) - The pyro version of the Bison Centennial. Evidently, he evolved from the same gullible lineage as his soldiering cousin. He can be seen firing a constant stream of flares at the enemy Taken...I mean, robots. Slightly useful at range, barely useful up close or versus tanks. Please note - this is completely the opposite of what a pyro should be doing. Attempt to re-train the fine fellow wielding the attention-getter, or perhaps murder him and bury him in some Mann. Co. quicklime. Look for a large volume of glowing projectiles bouncing harmlessly off giant robots and tanks, and trace them back to a foolish-looking pyro who appears to be trying to signal for help.


• Imwonnus Perpetuous (It Takes One to M1 ) - Some pyros just want to watch the world burn. Rain or shine, scouts or uber-medics, the M1 pyro will be there, setting everything on fire - rocks, empty stretches of air, invulnerable robots. A genetic weakness causes his primary mouse key to lock, resulting in more flames than a crashed Ford Pinto. Especially irritating in the case of uber-medics, since his entire strategy consists of spraying flame EVERYWHERE. Encourage him to take mouse breaks, or teach him to do tricks. Look for a constant stream of flame that always seems to be doing what it shouldn't.


• Airblastus Nonstopus (The North Wind) - The arch-nemesis of the previous entry. They diverged in the family tree, somewhere, and independently managed to evolve defects. This one, in contrast to his fire-spewing cousin, has forgotten that a flamethrower actually shoots flame. He will airblast anything - scouts, giant-heavies (for a little while), and probably tanks, if given the chance. Useful on occasion, but don't expect much in the way of damage. Look for the "Iron Man effect" - robots inexplicably flying all over the place.

Family: Runquickidae

A small, loud, and solitary creature with a penchant for collecting anything green. If he has somehow lost this pecuniary compulsion, rekindle it, or get rid of him. They can often be seen throwing a milk of unknown origin. Scientific inquiries towards determining its source have been banned by the Bureau of Common Decency.


• Cashpileus Ignoresus (The Green Misser) - A scout exists to throw milk and collect cash, primarily the latter. However, in the case of a Green Misser, he exists merely to run around and kill random robots. Afterward, when you've earned a "C" in cash collection, he'll claim that he was responsible for killing the tank, half the robots, and probably, Osama Bin Laden. In the meantime, his cash collecting skills are the envy of the national deficit. This player deserves more kicks than an operatic cat at midnight. Look for a scout who avoids cash piles and never stops firing. The fire rate and missing cash may remind one of Enron.

• Sodacannus Vampiris (Count Bonkula) - A rare variety of noob scout with a good idea, except it isn't. The scout has apparently lost his supply of milk, and has decided to replace it with a brand of radioactive cola. As even the USDA will note, not a good idea. Encourage him to increase his calcium intake, and buy some Tuscan Whole Milk if necessary. Look for a little red blur who keeps getting stuck in knots of robots, probably next to your dead heavy.


• Melee Uselessus (The Pinch Hitter) - An emotionally-unstable species of scout who thinks it's funny to hit robots with a fish or a baseball bat. Perhaps it is, but that's not the point - he should have been born with a Fan O' War, or the upgraded Sandman. If he collects the cash well, then this noob is somewhat tolerable. Otherwise, subject him to some evolutionary pressure (e.g. yelling at him on the mic). Listen for an idiotic-and-short-lived slapping sound, a bit like a mentally-challenged seal on a slippery granite cliff. In the case of a baseball bat, he'll sound more like the seal in a batting helmet.

• Sluggishus Nojumpus (The Little Scout Who Couldn't) - A scout so inconceivably stupid that he had what was almost a good idea: equipping the Baby-Face's Blaster. This noob, in his larval state, can be outrun by a sleepwalking heavy in a leg brace. As an adult, he can run significantly faster, but cannot jump without returning to his larval form. He should be immediately removed from the server, unless he shows a willingness to embrace other forms of weaponry. Look for a mobility-impaired scout with a compulsive trigger finger and a hopeful expression. (Note: as of the Two Cities update, the stats on this weapon were changed. It is no longer a "terrible" weapon, but those using it probably haven't realized that yet. Plus, is it really worth it to have a gun that makes you slower and penalizes you for jumping?)

Family: Wrenchidae

A brainy and hideous mammal, always in great demand for the weird structures that he erects. In many cases, these can be extremely helpful, if a bit noisy. They are the source of the occasional ticking noise you hear on the battlefield, which is produced by a natural predator of theirs.


This will happen frequently, and is inevitable. Avoid proximity!

Engineers are a vital part of any mercenary ecosystem. However, a few species have decided to tarnish the reputation of their brethren.


• Nestus Immobilis (The Turtle) - An engineer who likes to find a secluded spot and place all his buildings right next to each other. Very common, despite lenient hunting laws, and very irritating. Need a dispenser? Climb somewhere impractical. Sentry buster? Nope, he's not going to move. Dies often, slow to rebuild. Try to work with him, or make him an offer he can't refuse. Look for a lot of buildings right next to the robots' spawn - or a lot of scrap metal next to a dead engineer.


• Mortis Teamkillus (Bomber-Mann) - Probably a cousin of the Trollgineer. If you saw a large bomb headed toward you on two legs, what would you do? The answer, this type of engineer seems to think, would be to lead it toward his teammates where it could safely detonate and kill all of them. At the very least, that's what keeps happening. You'll hear a ticking sound, then fly halfway across the map as you watch a roachlike engineer scurry away to safety with his accursed sentry. Yelling over the mic works wonders with one of these, thought not always. To identify a Bomber engineer, listen for the sound of the buster, and pray to the dark god Gaben that you aren't anywhere near a sentry. If you die in a small nuclear explosion, you may have a Bomber-Mann on your team.


• Micromanagus Inapproprius (Wrangler Unchained) - A well-meaning creature, fond of controlling his sentry at all times - especially when he shouldn't. He's a master of using the Wrangler at just the wrong time - turning it on when a horde of scouts are swarming the bomb, ignoring it when the heavy-medic pair approach. His behavior may be acceptable in government healthcare websites, but has no place in MVM. Look for a sentry that seems to spend a lot of time deactivated, or else shooting at things that shouldn't be disturbed.


• Spawncampus Craven (Mr. Hide) - A hated and vile species of the Turtle, overly-concerned with his own safety. This fellow dislikes the thought of fighting robots, and instead devotes his time to hiding near the capture point. Inspire him with courage, or inspire him with a kickvote. Look for a nearly-comatose engineer set up just outside the spawn, staring off into space, and who won't respond at all to your angry rants on the mic or in the chat feed. You may have to repeat yourself, as he's probably talking to himself and whimpering.


• Constructus Procrastinus (The Underachiever) - A sluggish engineer, probably suffering from a lack of bandwidth and an excess of phlegm. Perhaps, someday, he'll put up a dispenser, but...well, maybe next round. Upgrading that sentry seems nice, too, but why bother? And look - the teleport went down. Oh well, there's always next time. For one reason or another, the Underachiever refuses to build or maintain his infrastructure - perhaps he grew up in Soviet Russia? If anything stops working, forget about it, assuming it was even built in the first place. Look for an engineer with a number of half-constructed buildings laying around, like New York on a Friday.


• Artificialis Lefty (The Gunslinger) - Rare, exceedingly stupid, and universally hated - not because of his self-inflicted disability, but because that Gunslinger he's using turns his sentry from an angry St. Bernard into an anemic Pomeranian. Somewhere in the dim recesses of his brain, a mini-sentry engineer seemed to be a good idea, right up there with discount skydiving. If he were to suddenly disappear, nobody would even notice; least of all, the robots. Look for an engineer who seems to be missing something, whether it's damage output, a sense of teamwork, one of his hands, or his brain.

• Altfirus Disappearus (He's Dumb, Jim) - A Turtle / Bomber hybrid who's found a creative way to deal with his problem, like a drug addict who controls his cravings with liquor. Equips the Eureka Effect, ensuring that he will finish upgrading his sentry sometime in the next millenia, assuming no delays and / or encroaching hordes of murderous robots. This variety of engineer also has a disconcerting habit of teleporting frequently, indicating that he may have made a deal with Satan somewhere along the line. Look for an engineer who needs an immediate exorcism - either from his wrench, or from your game. (Note: the Eureka Effect will be helpful in a few situations, but any sort of sustained onslaught will leave the user wishing he had equipped something that repaired faster than a styrofoam cup in a landfill takes to degrade. There are usually better options.)

Family: Overhealidae

A peaceful creature from the Rhineland whose ecological niche appears to be empowering those around it - rather the life-coach of the TF2 world. Has very little in the way of attack power, instead relying on a symbiotic relationship with others for protection. If one is spotted carrying anything other than the Kritzkreig, he is almost certainly a noob.


• Medigunnus Idioticus (Das Ubernooben) - Relatively rare, but quite dangerous. In a well-meaning-but-poorly-conceived measure, he equips the regular medi-gun without considering the alternatives. Something about the lack of healing buff (Quick-Fix) or ability to deploy crits (Kritzkreig) is appealing to him, the way a rotting banana attracts flies. This species of medic is often observed fleeing from battle, being ridiculed by experienced players, and refusing to change his weapon. Look for his characteristic Neanderthal-like brow, right before you deport him to the Stone Age. (Note: the Quick-Fix is no longer the noob weapon of choice, thanks to the Two Cities update. It resurrects teammates and deploys shield energy at a rate much higher than the Kritzkreig. Although you can never go wrong with the Kritz, the Quick-Fix offers some significant tactical advantages when used properly. Best to clear it with your team, though.)


• Nohealus Combatus (The Battle Medic) - Since a medic is only effective when healing others, it stands to reason that there must be a species of noob medic who decides to forgo this practice entirely. In other words, he reasons that the low-powered weaponry of a medic is a viable alternative to, say, a massive minigun, or some variety of explosive projectile caster. The Battle Medic is most content while failing to heal his teammates, or doing negligible damage to non-vital targets while something large and horrible delivers the bomb. Perhaps he actually thought to equip the Kritzkreig - not that you'd ever know about it. Look for a German man firing wildly at a thoroughly-unimpressed hunk of metal, like Hitler during the Russian invasion of Berlin.

• Uberchargus Interminus (Long Uber-Due) If a medic's hoarding instinct is not curtailed early in his development (around the pupae stage), this is the abomination that results. The Uber-Due is another variety of medic whose weapon choice is not the problem; indeed, many of these actually equip the Kritzkreig. The gun, however, is only a ruse - no matter how dire the circumstances, that uber-charge will never be deployed, except 0.5 seconds before you die. Look for a medic who always seems to have an uber-charge ready, because it's probably the same one he started the game with. It's doubtful he even knows what it is.

• Cowardus Disappearus (Left 4 Med) The Left-4-Med medic is quite happy to heal you, provided you don't actually need it - the suspicion is that he was originally a plastic surgeon. If there's a bullet being fired anywhere on the map, he's probably hidden safely in the spawn, reading a magazine about real men, such as Richard Simmons or Kim Kardashian. His life's goal is to make Das Ubernooben look like a useful teammate - and upon occasion, he can almost succeed at it...almost. Look for a medic who's only seen on the front lines when there aren't any.

Family: Boozidae

A strange breed of creature, found in the Scottish Highlands, and fond of throwing explosives around. Rumors of an albino variety are entirely false. Lacks depth perception, and all-too-often, intelligence.

• Stickybombus Absentus (The Grenadier) - An inferior breed of grenade-launcher-wielding demoman that outnumbers the useful stickybombing variety 2:1, or so it can appear. His hunting strategy seems to have been gleaned by watching the U.S. military making contact with extraterrestrials: firing wildly at whatever seems to be moving at the moment. Usually, his presence leaves something to be desired, such as skill, or a stickybomb launcher. Listen for the plunk of his grenade gun, and encourage him to watch less Firefly. (Which, by the way, is a fantastic show. It just gives the demo bad ideas.)


• Medbottus Stillalivus (The Honorable Demoman) - The demoman can be likened to an angry hospital intern: his primary job in life is thinking of ways to blow up white-coated doctors. The Honorable Demoman, though, appears to have been instructed in the precepts of the Geneva Convention. As such, he is morally (or somehow) unable to kill the enemy medics, even with a stickybomb launcher. His presence will become known to you when an army of invincible and monochromatic robots appear, probably calling you by name.

• Demoknightus Idioticus (The SwordsMann) This shield-wearing creature has a name, one that is repeated whenever he joins a server. The name varies in spelling, but is usually pronounced "Oh-Please-No," often amid pleas to whatever deity (Gaben, Cthulhu, Chuck Norris) the server happens to worship. And, indeed, a Demoknight will need some sort of divine intervention if he wants to be more than a momentary distraction for the encroaching horde of soulless robots. The phrase "bringing a knife to a gunfight" is eminently applicable. To spot a Demoknight, follow the agonized cries of tormented souls. They're probably coming from his teammates. (Legends speak of skilled demoknights in MVM. Though rare, I am obligated, for the sake of completion, to say that they are quite effective when properly used. MVM in a nutshell, really.)

Family: Aimbotidae

A species of hawklike hominid with a large rifle and an efficient pair of kidneys. Often seen throwing copious amounts of a yellow liquid whose origin is probably as horrible as the rumors surrounding it. His lack of proximity is often interpreted as cowardice; this may or may not be the case, depending on whether the sniper in question is a noob.

• Crowdcontrollus Notachancus (The Roamin' Bowman) - A species of sniper that has reverted to its primal state, often with a self-righteous attitude and claims of incredible prowess. Predictably, these deserve more grains of salt than the Dead Sea could produce in July. This variety of noob is characterized by the large bow-and-arrow that he inexplicably believes will penetrate metal. A few of the smarter ones have learned how to speak as well as type, and can be quite convincing when defending their weapon-of-choice. Although reasonably-effective against a single target, the Bowman's chances against a group of targets are somewhere in the googolplex region of probability. Look for a sniper who appears to have been present at the Battle of Agincourt...on the losing side.


• Blowgunnus Minicritus (The Jarate Kid) - An exotic breed of sniper found only in the deepest jungles of Africa, or maybe Australia. His unique claim-to-fame is his ability to spread more yellow fluid than a caffeinated lap dog. His is a form of subtle mimicry, however - the copious numbers of mini-crits that he induces are cover for the fact that he isn't doing much actual damage. Of all the noobs in MVM, he may actually be the least useless, but that might be the mini-crits talking. Look for a large number of robots who appear to have been swimming in the sewers, and a Jarate Kid may be close by.


• Badaimus Missus (The Unlucky Shot) - A very common variety of noob sniper, sadly - probably an invasive species from Call of Duty. They have the right weaponry, but not the skill to use it, rather like a hungry polar bear who finds an RPG. His percent success rate at landing headshots rivals that of Helen Keller, as does his ability to listen to the needs of his teammates. The Unlucky Shot can occasionally be difficult to identify, as he will most often be seen as a corpse. Watch the robots approaching a sniper to see if he's one of these - if he appears to be firing rubber bands or blanks at them, you can easily make a positive identification.

Family: Nomnomidae

The largest variety of noob, fond of misspelling "sandwich." These hunt their robotic prey with an extremely large minigun and a copious amount of guttural yelling. Are they stupid? Are they compensating for something? Only further scientific study will tell.


• Slowbottus Nobrainus (Natascha's Husband) - For a heavy to make a successful kill, he needs to do a large amount of damage in a very short time. A few heavies, instead, have life-bonded with a weaker gun, much like a lion with a penchant for clipping its nails. To the chagrin of his teammates, the Natascha-wielding heavy will usually defend his weapon until he is forcibly removed from the hunting pack. To identify, listen for a the low drone of Natascha, and the sound of the nearby heavy drooling on his keyboard.


• Minigunnus Slowfirus (The Tommy-Gunner) - A stupider and increasingly common variety of MVM noob heavy. He seems to think that the quiet spin-up on the Tomislav is somehow intimidating to the robots. This, as you may have guessed, contains more baloney than a Sandvich. If he truly wanted to scare them, he'd find a minigun that sounds like Windows booting up. Although he does slightly more damage than Natascha, the Tomislav-wielding heavy gets no benefits in return, aside from a 10% faster spin-up. Such an individual should be automatically kicked, unless he's very willing to change guns. Much like the Natascha variety of noob heavy, he can be identified by the piston-like click of his weapon and his tendency toward diminished mental capacity.


• Secondarius Obsessus (Mr. Shotgun) - A variety of behavioral noob. Everybody knows how much damage the minigun does, right? The shotgun, in comparison, is a cucumber full of rock salt. Nevertheless, this variety of heavy, upon running out of ammo, doesn't think to pick up any more. Instead, he will relentlessly pummel enemies with his shotgun until the tank / giant / chipmunk he's firing at humorously stomps him and delivers the bomb. His behavior is best remedied by yelling angrily over the mic. Look for a large man hunched over a tiny gun, probably running around like a headless chicken. Similar behavior is occasionally observed in pyros, and inhabitants of certain regions of Kentucky.

• Rambo Fatalis (Live Noob or Die Hard) - The Rambo variety of heavy seems to be descended from the much hated "Rage Heavy," and thinks he's a one-Mann-army. Horde of pyros? Easy. Giant uber-medic soldier? Child's play, and not the charitable kind. Giant crit-boosted heavy with medic? Pshaw, the Die Hard Heavy can take him, and all his buddies too. Wherever the battle is, he's THERE, for about 5 seconds. Afterward, he makes for a rather flabby corpse. This heavy's life usually consists of charging into the thick of things, and dying immediately. Although he repeatedly eliminates himself from the gene pool via natural selection, a spore-like method of reproduction accounts for his remarkable proliferation in MVM. Hard to remedy, so do your best to keep him alive - I'd recommend a leash or a dispenser. Look for a heavy who seems to spend most of his time respawning or burning to death.

Family: Catchallidae

Some noob behaviors transcend the individual classes, and can occur regardless of the team makeup. Most defects of this sort are directly correlated to poor parenting or individual intractability, and vary in their levels of proliferation. These are difficult to remedy by traditional methods, leaving a prompt kickvote as the only way to achieve respite. A few, fortuitously, are simply mutable.


Everyone is "special," especially in this team picture.

• Duplicatus Gemini (The Doppelganger) - Of all the noobs, in all the servers, it had to be this one. A subspecies of noob who has absolutely no concept of team diversity, like an MVM Klansman. The Doppelganger thrives on mimicry, and will duplicate whatever class (soldier, heavy, etc.) is already present without any thought of the consequences. This primarily happens in the case of low-damage and unwanted teammates: medics, scouts, spies, snipers. Occasionally, he can be persuaded to emulate someone else by aggressive typing or verbal complaint, but will usually remain unresponsive to all outside stimulus. A Doppelganger is characterized by the intense feelings of loathing and
déjà-vu that he inspires while present. (Having two of the same class doesn't mean you have a Doppelganger. Having an extra, stupid one that you don't need - well, that's another story.)


Casul gamer in MVM

• Gamus Casualis ( Mr. Casul) - A loathesome species characterized by its repetitive cry, "itsjustagame" (translated: I'm not very skilled at this, so please stop expecting me to play well). This refrain will be repeated in response to all forms of constructive advice or tactical planning, usually culminating in his other call, "whuh-tever" (translated: You actually have a good point there, so perhaps I'd better close my oversized verbal orifice, lest I appear even more foolish). Has no concept of victory or loss, and will never quit the server voluntarily. To identify, listen for one of his characteristic noises, or simply identify the worst player on your team.

Translations provided by the Encyclopedia Internetica


jimmy1843: hey guys wanna play call of duty its a great game

• Voicefeedus Eternus (The Announcer) - Known in other classifications as, "That Call of Duty Kid," or "The Micspamming Middle-Schooler," this is an apelike creature with a computer mic and a compulsive need to produce idle chatter. These occasionally descend in packs on a server, and fill the airwaves with high-pitched expressions of joy or sorrow. Until muted by their elders, none have any concept of their own annoying nature. An Announcer, by definition, has nothing interesting to say and no discernible combat skills. Can be remedied by maturity and muting. Listen for the sounds of a hormone-crazed adolescent with a cheap mic and bad parents.


Good teammates wait for each other.

• Starttimerus Immedius (Startacus) - A highly-proliferated species of noob, who believes that the number of players on a team has no bearing on the likelihood of success. As a consequence, he will immediately begin the countdown timer upon entering a server, even if there are several players missing. All attempts at communicating logical tactics to him will fail, as would teaching calculus to a lobotomized Dalmatian. Only problematic in difficult circumstances, but extremely vexing. He is readily identifiable by the large green checkmark next to his name, and his implacable-yet-optimistic demeanor.


This guy is more likely to respond than a Coma Joe

• Promptus Unresponsivus (Coma Joe) - If TF2 had zombies, they would fall within this category. A Coma Joe, under any form of stimulus, has no reaction. Using the mic is futile, and he doesn't appear to be able to type. Is he AFK? Does he understand human language? Has he connected from a galaxy beyond the Milky Way? These questions, only time may answer. Occasionally, a Coma Joe / Doppelganger / Startacus hybrid is observed . It is a genetic abomination, and must be immediately destroyed. Find an unresponsive player, and stare deep into his eyes. If they appear to be permanently dilated, you've found one of these.

Noob Mimicry

Recently, an interesting trend has been observed in the rich species diversity of the TF2 biosphere. Some players, positively identified as noobs by a panel of independent subject-matter experts, have actually turned out to be another sort of creature entirely: the noob mimic. Apparently, in some circles of the elite players (known as "pros") it has become fashionable/entertaining to emulate the behaviors of some common noobs. Their mimicry can range from simple weapon choices (the Huntsman or the Liberty Launcher, for instance), to a full-out Gibus-and-Pyrovision costume that might fool even the most experienced noob biologist.

A small heavy tries to mimic a much larger, more agressive male. This is not the type of mimicry I'm talking about.

While pros of this sort are usually productive members of the team, their strange weapon or headgear choices can be very anxiety-inducing at the beginning of a match. Remember that a true noob has no skill or prospects, and will not have a large number of tours beside his name in the scoreboard. Detailed methods like these are the only reliable ways to identify a noob mimic, though often difficult to apply. For all intents and purposes, if it looks and acts like a noob, it's a noob. If it appears friendly, skilled, or well-adjusted socially, though, you may be dealing with a mimic.

Noobs, like war, Twilight, or Justin Bieber, are an unfortunate part of life. Upon identification, though, they can easily be countermanded or removed as unproductive members of society. If the current volume of scientific effort and inquiry are any indicator, noobs, like smallpox, may become nearly extinct in the next few years. After reading this guide, you have been well equipped for the identification of the most common species of noob, as well as a few key strategies for dealing with them. If you think that you may have spotted a wild noob, follow the official process.

The robots can be intimidating, but your teammates can be infinitely more deadly.

First, offer some advice. They may simply be a newb, a friendly species with the capacity for higher learning. If the player in question is willing to work with you, he's probably not dangerous.

Second, if the player remains argumentative or unresponsive, ask yourself what the ramifications will be. Are you going to be killed by a stray sentry buster? Overrun by an army of invincible uber-medics? Smashed by a ludicrously-unscathed tank? These are legitimate questions, and should not be taken lightly. If the noob is attempting to fulfill a vital role in your team, appropriate action may need to be taken. Otherwise, he may be tolerated.

Third, if the noob really does need to be removed, don't panic. Noobs can smell fear, and are often skilled at inciting your less-well-read teammates against you. In a few notable cases, good players have been kicked (via noob-vote) for being unsure or tenuous. Establish your own knowledge, and issue an ultimatum, if necessary - then, simply go to the menu, click on the vote icon, and initiate a kick. Occasionally, this will scare a noob into submission, if not removing them completely. If the vote fails, or you yourself are kicked in retaliation, don't feel bad. You probably just saved yourself at least an hour of wasted time!

Special thanks to TK-44, award-winning professor of MVM engineering (and owner of golden pan #5), for his valuable photographical aid in the making of this guide. A suitably-epic screenshot of him:


TK's general approach to MVM.

If you found the Noob Field Guide helpful, please consider sharing it with others, or making a refined metal donation to Expert's Play*, a not-for-profit group dedicated to the humane tranquilization and relocation of destructive noobs to their natural habitat of Boot Camp. The noobs won't notice the difference, and the intelligent members of the TF2 community will be forever in your debt.


The Bottom Line. Noobs are useful for three things: meat-shields, kickvoting, and comedic relief (photo). Newbs, however, are here to learn. Try to be respectful of them.

2013, Cynic Publications, Teufort, United States. All Rights Reserved. Team Fortress 2, as you've known since playing the game, is the licensed property of Valve Corporation, and isn't mine. I really wish it was, though, given what most of you have probably spent on keys. All the photographs in this guide ARE mine (except the bigfoot, the thumbnail, and the item .png's from the Wiki), so don't steal them, unless you intend to give me money or written credit. If you think that you're in one of the photos here, make sure not to mention it, lest you appear foolish.

Thanks for reading, and good luck out there.

- Dr. Sarcasm

*This isn't real, but it should be.