“Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me.”

“Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”

I’ll call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad!

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.

What’s Forrest Gump’s Facebook password? 1forest1.

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He’s fully recovered.

Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.

What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.

Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.

Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo’ Drizzle.

What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It’s pasteurized before you even see it.

Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

What does a baby computer call his father? Data.

Did you hear about the power outlet who got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.

Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels.

Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.

How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10 tickles.

Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn’t follow it.

I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!

What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.

Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.

Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.

How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.

I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!

When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

(CHRISTIANS ONLY!)

Need an ark?
I noah guy.

What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.

At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.

How does Moses start his morning?
Hebrews a pot of coffee!

What car did the wise men drive to see Jesus?
Honda Accord. The Bible says the wise men all came in one accord.

(Gamer Section)

I started making fun of the official Minecraft twitter account last week. I was gutted when they blocked me.

My best friend fell out with me for talking about games too much. I personally think that was a silly thing to Fallout 4.

I met my gamer boyfriend while we were playing online. It was love at first site.

I knew a pro gamer who started testing politics simulator games. He was a pro-tester.

My mom asked a man if playing video games caused real life health effects. He said yes, and she asked how he knew. He told her he had a hunch.

My girlfriend told me our relationship was over because I was spending too much time playing games. I think it may have been my Destiny 2 break up with her.

Gamers and famous musicians have one complaint in common. The fans are way too noisy.