I'm over here typing this comment. I got text in this comment right now. And I'm typing these sentences. I'm writing af, man. I'm a poster, man.

Please be wary of any "door salesman" that try to sell you stuff at 3AM! If you take a peak at them through your door peephole it's already too late! A safe way to avoid YOU KNOW WHAT is to cover any openings in your home that might lead to eye contact with outside entities. You lost your poor aunt Thatcher to one of THOSE things a week ago. The dumb hag had the bright idea to open her window for fresh air. She called a few hours before she disappeared complaining to me about these weird "phantom smells." I dismissed it as COVID symptoms. But then she mentioned some nice young men waving hello through her window. At that point I already knew she was a goner. THEY'RE getting more cunning by the day. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, PLEASE LOCK ALL DOORS AND COVER ANY OPENINGS IN YOUR HOUSE BEFORE THE CLOCK HITS 3AM! Don't look outside. Don't go outside. Even if your house is on fire.

I swear I didn't know about it! Those pesky toe gremlins forced your cousin Sally to inhale crusty Nutella under our noses! If I knew ahead of time, I would've searched them before allowing them inside her enclosure. She's not allowed more than one meal per day! Oh god... your Aunt Thatcher's going to kill me.

There's nothing better than a good old steamed peanut butter sandwich -- fresh out of the hospital cafeteria. I warn you, however, that the chefs sometimes drop sheep dandruff while under the influence of a Fr*nch-induced stupor. Depending on if you're a green-class citizen, that might be a good thing. Safe travels. I'll inform your aunt Thatcher that you've successfully reached the swamp-zone district.