FADE IN:

INT. DARK SUBTERRANEAN INDUSTRIAL CLUB FITNESS

KEANU REEVES grimly punches a piece of wood over and over to make sure his HANDS are properly fine-tuned into SEMI-GELATINOUS BLOBS before we get things going.

LAURENCE FISHBURNE

(bellowing)

HEY KEANU ARE YOU READY TO START FIGHTING YET BECAUSE I JUST LIT EVERYTHING ON FIRE LOLZ ANYWAY HERE'S A SUIT

KEANU REEVES

(grimacing)

...Yeah.

EXT. WIDE OPEN DESERT

KEANU rides a HORSE through the DESERT and chases down THREE OTHER DUDES on HORSES and SHOOTS THEM RIGHT IN THE ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ HEAD.

KEANU REEVES

This better be the right desert.

LIAM NEESON FROM THE "TAKEN 2" ABRIDGED SCRIPT

Nice callback, son!

(vanishes)

GEORGE "GEORGIE" GEORGIOU

As it happens you did choose the right desert, it's the one where I sit out here with one storage room's worth of expensive furniture out in the middle of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ nowhere. Like what the ♥♥♥♥ do I do all day?

(shot dead)

KEANU REEVES

If I just murder everyone who works for the mysterious "Table" then I'll be free. And with that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ dead, I'm almost done-

(realizes)

Aw crap a new movie just started, that means a ♥♥♥♥-ton of new characters will have materialized that I allegedly have history with, and/or need to kill, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

(grimaces)

Now I've got to clear them all out in the next... let's see, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ TWO HOURS FORTY-NINE MINUTES?!? Damn, I might just do it.

INT. SWANKY LAIR OF EVIL - NEW YORK CITAAYYYY (TO BE SAID IN MATT BERRY VOICE)

IAN MCSHANE and LANCE REDDICK are summoned by EVIL VEST DANDY BILL SKARSGARD.

BILL SKARSGARD

Allo allo, I am French you see. The Table has forged me out of nothingness, and given me the keys to the Infinite Goon Generator, so that I may finally destroy Keanu.

LANCE REDDICK

Last movie we shot Keanu and threw him off the roof, so obviously we're on your side, how can we help?

BILL SKARSGARD

Not so fast! Everyone knows you're still considered to be among the Good Guys, so I must punish one of you, while leaving the other alive to help bring about my downfall. I suppose it doesn't matter which, so...

(shoots Lance)

IAN MCSHANE

Dude! Read the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ room!

BILL SKARSGARD

...oh right. Oops. Well let's distract everyone who's mourning real-life Lance by BLOWING UP THE CONTINENTAL HOTEL, TAKE THAT IAN!

IAN MCSHANE

Hey I'm supposed to have a spinoff in that thing, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

(handed note)

Yes yes I know it's a prequel, you never heard of a framing device?

LANCE REDDICK

(weakly)

Don't worry Ian. I was going to flee this franchise anyway before it finally collapses into a singularity under the weight of its own ridiculous mythos, this way I get a head start at craft services.

(dies)

BILL sends IAN on his way and then has an audience with BLIND HITMAN DONNIE YEN.

DONNIE YEN

Hi everyone and let me start off by saying, if you only know me from Rogue One, no I'm not actually blind.

BILL SKARSGARD

I know you have a rich history with Keanu that was just willed into existence, but despite that I'm ordering you to kill him. If you refuse I'll murder your violin-playing daughter who we keep trapped in a stasis field in the park where she's doomed to play violin forever, mwah ha ha.

DONNIE YEN

Tragically, I accept. But I have a pretty good idea where to find Keanu, after all, he only has so many friends that just spontaneously manifested from the aether.

INT. THE "CHOKE"-URA, TOKYO, JAPAN

KEANU stealthily crosses thousands of miles and multiple national borders, totally evading any detection by the global assassin ubercorp bent on his destruction, so he can visit one of the few people alive he has known connections with, HIROYUKI SANADA.

HIROYUKI SANADA

You are welcome here Keanu, my entire hotel army will protect you due to our Shared History. Allow me to introduce my sister Dawn Summers, and my daughter Rina Sawayama, perhaps you know her from her illustrious pop star career.

KEANU REEVES

Cool, this'll be like when I teamed up with Ice T in Johnny Mnemonic.

RINA SAWAYAMA

Ugh, let's aim higher than that. I think Dad's an idiot for risking everything for you but ♥♥♥♥ it, I already wear battle armour all day every day, might as well have it pay off.

Sure enough a parade of SNAPPILY DRESSED MATCHING-SUIT GOONS arrive led by HEAD THREE-PIECE HITMAN MARKO ZAROR.

MARKO ZAROR

Surrender, Hiroyuki! You can't possibly defeat our impeccable fashion sense and nifty matching lapel pins.

HIROYUKI SANADA

♥♥♥♥ that, y'all die now! And since this is Japan we'll use lots of swords and arrows and throwing stars! And yeah, plus guns for all the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ good they do in this universe.

To illustrate this last point everyone OPENS FIRE EVERYWHERE but since every last scrap of everyone's clothing is made of PURE WAKANDAN VIBRANIUM MIXED WITH DOUBLE-GLAZED BESKAR AND THE TARDIS OUTER HULL, pretty much every bullet just BOUNCES THE ♥♥♥♥ OFF EVERYONE.

GOON

Plus we have extra armour plating on our forearms, so that we can all play Bullets and Bracelets just like Wonder Woman! I'm still petitioning for mandatory-issued glowing lassos which I think would really pop with these grey suits.

(killed)

KEANU REEVES

(slaughtering)

C'mon guns still totally rule! Even if I have to shoot someone ten times just to get their attention so I can shoot them better so that they die.

RINA SAWAYAMA

(massacring)

And knives are cool! It only took thirty-two thousand, seven hundred and ninety-five stabs to kill this one dude. Hm, I think I know why the rough cut of this thing was like six hours long.

Meanwhile DONNIE YEN is in the KITCHEN laying traps for HIROYUKI'S goons!

DONNIE YEN

I may be blind but I can just run my hands over everything in this industrial kitchen to get the lay of the OWWW HOT HOT HOT OWWWWWWW

DONNIE slaps a bunch of MOTION DETECTORS on stuff so they PING and he knows where to SHOOT at people, which he then DOES!

DONNIE YEN

Ha ha that was fun but too clunky to use all movie, so from now on I think I'll just be Daredevil.

Meanwhile KEANU reaches the OBLIGATORY NEON LIGHTING ROOM FULL OF LOTS AND LOTS OF GLASS!! He murders DOZENS OF GOONS and SEVERAL DOZEN ART INSTALLATIONS one of which spawns a set of NUNCHUCKS.

KEANU REEVES

Awright! Now listen up people, I did a lot of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ training on these nunchucks so I get to defeat at LEAST three dozen goons with the two moves I learned.

(tenderizes)

DONNIE YEN

I'm here too now, let's have our first martial arts showdown!

KEANU REEVES

Um okay, but given that you're the Sidney Crosby to my Tyler Bozak, maybe it can also be our only martial arts showdown?

DONNIE YEN

Fine by me!

(attacks)

They FIGHT a bit until their contest is disrupted by a LONG-RANGE RIFLE BULLET from newcomer SHAMIER ANDERSON and his DOG!

KEANU REEVES

Hey, thanks. So what's your deal?

SHAMIER ANDERSON

Well we need a dog in this thing so I have a dog. I'm going to track you and predict your every move, and basically do all the same ♥♥♥♥ Donnie's doing but from a bit further away, and with a dog.

DOG

ALSO I BITE NUTS AND PEE ON FOLK JUST TO CLASS ♥♥♥♥ UP A BIT

KEANU REEVES

Right. So what's your cool hitman name?

SHAMIER ANDERSON

We're calling me "Nobody" so that the writer can plug his Bob Odenkirk movie. Anyhoo, for the time being I'm officially biding my time while your bounty climbs. Fly low, kill high, I always say.

DONNIE meanwhile has found HIROYUKI along with injured RINA!

HIROYUKI SANADA

Stay back Rina! I'll handle-

(skewered)

(stabbed)

(eviscerated)

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ my track record is not the best. Guess I can add Donnie's name to those who've killed me off alongside Hawkeye, Wolverine, the Sun...

(dead)

RINA gets away and staggers into the exact same subway car KEANU is in, and I've never been to Japan but my understanding is there's more than