stupid mf

fed

cop

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Ｈｅｌｌｏ ，　ｔｈｉｓ　ｉｓ　ｔｈｅ　ａｄｍｉｎｉｓｔｒａｔｏｒ　ｏｆ　ＰｏｒｎＨｕｂ™　ｗｅ　ｈａｖｅ　ｎｏｔｉｃｅｄ　ｙｏｕ　 ｈａｖｅｎ’ｔ　ｌｏｇｇｅｄ　ｉｎ　ｆｏｒ　２　ｗｅｅｋｓ，　ｗｅ’ｒｅ　ｊｕｓｔ　ｃｈｅｃｋｉｎｇ　ｔｏ　ｓｅｅ　ｉｆ　ｅｖｅｒｙｔｈｉｎｇ　 ｉｓ　ｏk a y

Dumb American

dear 123,

unfortunately, we cannot offer you admission to the immensely talented class of 2024 at this time.

your application was so exceptionally ♥♥♥♥♥♥ that we wanted to personally reach out to inquire if you were doing well.

at the university of cambridge, we hold applicants to high standards. you were so incredibly far off the mark that our admissions officers wondered if you sent in your common app by mistake.

as a penalty for making our poor admissions officers read your application, we will be fining you $80 (the cost of an application fee) to atone for the mental damage and strain you placed on our admissions team.

Respectfully,

President
Leia Judge, University of Cambridge

I've been noticing an unusual trend in the quality of Snickers bars over the last decade. I found an old one from 5 years ago and decided to study its composition under my spectrometer and discovered something unnerving. The Snickers bar currently sold in stores contains 43.67% less rare earth elements by weight, when compared to one sold 5 years ago. Do they think they can fool us? It's hard to wrap my mind around why they would do this. Thorium used to make up 12% of the bar, but now it's at 8%, and now there's only 4% Americium compared to 7% just a while ago. It's all been replaced by organic carbon-based matter, like sucrose and poorly crafted carbohydrates. I'm disappointed in the Mars corporation, and I hope my findings will gain enough publicity to force Mars into reverting back to the old formula. Consider this an open letter.