My encounter with shrek

I was only nine years old. I loved Shrek so much, I had all the merchandise and movies. I'd pray to Shrek every night before I go to bed, thanking for the life I've been given. "Shrek is love", I would say, "Shrek is life". My dad hears me and calls me a fagg0t. I knew he was just jealous for my devotion of Shrek. I called him a mistake. He slaps me and sends me to go to sleep. I'm crying now and my face hurts. I lay in bed and it's really cold. A warmth is moving towards me. I feel something touch me. It's Shrek. I'm so happy. He whispers in my ear, "This is my swamp". He grabs me with his powerful ogre hands, and puts me on my hands and knees. I spread my ass-cheeks for Shrek. He penetrates my butthole. It hurts so much, but I do it for Shrek. I can feel my butt tearing as my eyes start to water. I push against his force. I want to please Shrek. He roars a mighty roar, as he fills my butt with his love. My dad walks in. Shrek looks him straight in the eye, and says, "It's all ogre now". Shrek leaves through my window. Shrek is love. Shrek is life.


How to catch and cook a baby. Step by step tutorial!


The Babysitter technique
This method is best used by females ranging in age from 30-40 and weighing at least 250 pounds. Simply go into the child’s home and sit on them until they either fall asleep or are smothered. Then take the child to a safe place.

Warning: Only enter the child’s home when there are no adults in the child's home. First walk into the child's home and sit on him. Once the child has fallen asleep, drug him and then baste him. By then the child (who should be age 8-12 for peak ripeness) should have woken up. Bathe the child. You must clean his butt, especially the rectal area, or you could get sick. Then put the frightened child in a cooking tin and season him with salt and pepper. Enjoy or ignore the screaming sounds. Garnish with parsley. Then put the live child into the oven and cook them.



My favorite recipe:
Baked

Baked Fatty Boy is best served with fries.
Be careful! Children are evil.

step 1- Season the child using salt and pepper.

step 2- Preheat oven to 180 celcius

step 3- Shove the child into the stove (Warning: children are conniving little beasts, be careful, they have been known to shove others in before them. Just remember, you are bigger than they are. Use force, and if you can't, there are plenty of over the counter drugs that will quickly put any child to sleep.)

step 4- Lock stove. If your stove is not equipped with a masterlock, simply place any large piece of furniture in front of the door for 30 minutes or until child stops moving.

Step 5- Cook until browned. Baste occasionally. Make sure not to cook two children in the same oven at the same time, because they could stick to each other, causing the hindquarters to be charred.