Earl’s Access Burgers:

I’m hungry… I drive by a new burger joint that just opened up and decided to give it a try. “Hi Earl!” I proclaim, “I enjoyed a burger at your dad’s old place, Jeff’s Done Burgers, and I was looking into purchasing a delicious burger from you today! Just give me that delicious hamburger whenever you can Earl, no rush” Earl takes my order and I pay him the $14.99 up front for my soon to be burger. Earl promptly supplies me with a plate with two buns and lettuce and pleads that he just needs a little more time… I wait patiently.

Time passes… boredom onsets… and Earl finally emerges from the back with a strange cocky grin on his face. He has two new plates with him this time that have onion and cheese on one and tomato and pickle on the other. I say “Oh great Earl, we are about ready for my burger huh?,” Earl replies “ Well actually, I took a break from cooking the burger and prepared these delicious additions to go along with your burger.”I admit, it feels slightly odd that Earl stopped working on the burger to work on these sides to go on the burger, I accept anyways. I reach out to grab these items from the plate as Earl’s hand swiftly smacks my hand away in a pompous anger as he explains… ” Sorry sir, both of these additions to your burger will be another $6.99 each.” I argue with Earl that I have already paid for the idea of a completed burger in advance, how can you say these are supplementary items when I have not yet received what I paid for to begin with?
Earl retreats to the back with both plates in hand as I sit confused and with a feeling of being taken advantage of. I stare out the window, it begins to rain… minutes turn into hours….the storm clears… how long have I been waiting for this burger??

Earl explodes from the back, shouting and proclaiming that he has made the ultimate burger and proceeds to put up posters all over the store to show off his burger making skills. He then stops at my table, takes my plate with the bun and lettuce and throws it in the trash. With a giant grin he then says “I have made the ultimate burger it is delicious! I am so generous that I will provide you this burger, free of charge!” Earl then sets down a plate with only the burger patty on it. I look up at him in bewilderment… “What is this Earl?” Earl then explains his new business model for his store “FREE BURGER PATTIES FOR ALL! You can then buy separately every side item that you want to go with your burger and not pay for the sides you don’t want!”

Earl swats away my hand again as I reach out for the side items to complete my burger… “Sorry sir but with this new business model, you will need to individually pay for every side.” I argue with Earl that I have already paid for a completed burger and not only did he not deliver what he promised, but what I already paid for and am rightfully due.
We argue and yell… I ask Earl “You know what, forget it! I would just like my money back Earl!” Earl replies “Sorry sir, you have waited too long in this store to qualify for a refund.” I now have exceeded my patience and at this moment I don’t even give a s^%t about this burger anymore and I storm off to my car and leave for home… hungry, disappointed and angry.

On the way to work on the following day, I drive by Earl’s Access Burgers and to my surprise, it has gone up in flames over night. Greatly no one was injured in the blaze of beef and wood. The discount shoe store and Hispanic bakery now look lonely with no establishment between them. After the initial shock of the building I just spent so much time in being completely gone, a strange smirk appears across my lips and a flutter of joy washes over me. I realize that the restaurant industry as a whole will not miss Earl’s Access Burgers and with its demise, be all the better for it.

Leave this industry Earl… you are a greedy pestilence and you set the entire industry back with your actions.