I'm currently working as a cook at a dingy restaurant and basically living paycheck to paycheck.

My boss only cares about money. He is a greedy bastard who treats me like I’m nothing but a glorified slave. He can be so crabby and demanding. Especially during rush hour. If he could find someone else, he would replace me in a heartbeat.

My girlfriend just dumped me. I hate my life. But I got a crush on this new girl. I talked to her a couple of times and I got her on Facebook now. She has got a funny accent. She's super smart and cheeky. I think she wants to become an astronaut or something. And she's into martial arts.

My best friend is a self-proclaimed rockstar. Unfortunately, he's lazy and obese because all he ever does is goof around. I don't mind that he doesn't have a computer or anything. And I really couldn't care less about his weight problem—truth be told, his morbid fascination with mayonnaise has grown on me over the years—but his total lack of common sense is taking its toll on me. A case in point: ''Oh, you're a girl?! '', he said when the astronaut/martial artist showed up at our pool party (wearing a bikini!) the other day. Before kicking her shin as hard as his pink, hairless and rotund leg allowed him. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if he has been living under a rock. I kind of hate him. He's always around—but never when it really matters. In my heart of hearts, I know that I envy him because he doesn’t have to go to work. Freedom. No responsibilities whatsoever. But at the end of the day, he’s all I got. He's my buddy, neighbor, sidekick and jellyfishing partner extraordinaire. He's my rock. He's my star.

My coworker makes fun of me. He is always bossing me around and acting all high and mighty. I've never been good at standing up for myself. I hate how shy I am sometimes. Even the customers feel sorry for me. I wish I had his confidence. His looks. His ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ clarinet. But of course I'm never going to tell him that.

You see, I put a brave face on everything, but I'm actually depressed and insecure. Deep down, I feel ugly, undesirable and unacknowledged. I'm dying on the inside—and I haven't told that to anyone either (except for my sheltered roommate who doesn't speak English).

And the worst part of it all is that i live in a pineapple under the sea