Che Holy Noodle
Che First Day: Light
HEN THE FSM SAID, "Let there be light," and there was
light. And the FSM adjusted his willowy eyestalks and saw
that the light was good; and the FSM divided the light
from the darkness. He called the light Day, and the darkness He called
Night or "Prime Time." So the evening and the morning were the first
day.
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Che Second Day: Che Firmament
The FSM was tired of flying and He couldn't tread water for very long, so
he said, "Let there be firmament in the midst of the waters, and let the fir
mament form coves to one day provide safe harbor for Pirates—no, wait,
firmament is a stupid word; let it be called land, since 'firmament-ho!'
sounds even stupider than just plain firmament—and let this land divide
the waters from the waters. And let there be a volcano to spew forth beer,
which seems like a benevolent idea." And the volcano spewed forth beer
and He tasted it and declared it to be quite good. So the evening and the
morning were the second day.
Che Chird Day: Land and Vegetation
When the FSM awoke, his thoughts were muddled and He didn't
know where He was. Slightly hungover, and somewhere out in the In
dian Ocean, the FSM found himself a little confused about what He'd
created the day before; and so, self-conscious about the previous night's
misbehavior, He started barking Godlike orders in an attempt to
reestablish His powerfulness, and then the FSM decided to organize.
He said, "Let the water under the heavens be gathered together in one
place, and let the dry land appear" (having forgotten about Day Two's
firmament command), and He called the dry land Earth (having only
Che Holy Noodle* *71
yesterday come up with the term Land), and the gathering together of
the waters He called Seas. And the FSM dried His Noodly Appendages
under the hot Light, and He saw that it was good but that there was a
little problem. For now He had an earth full of Land and Firmament,
which wouldn't do. So he lifted Day Two's firmament up to the heavens
and renamed it Heaven. The land from Day Three He left where it was.
Heaven seemed like the sweeter pad, and the FSM decided He'd live
there and commute to the earth. Then the FSM said, "Let the earth
bring forth grass, semolina, rice, and whatever else can be turned into
food that resembles my Noodly Appendages," and He saw that this was
an original idea, which was certainly good. That night He drank a little
less from the Beer Volcano, which was relocated to Heaven along with
the rest of the firmament. So the evening and the morning were the
third day.
Che Fourth Doy: the Sun, the Moon, the Stars
At this point, the FSM was a little sore from overexertion. It was diffi
cult for Him to find a comfortable resting position during the night,
which was darker than squid-ink pasta would eventually be. So He said,
"Let there be lights in the heavens, and let there be two lights: the
greater light to rule the day, and the lesser to rule the night." And since
He had big plans for the next day, He turned in early. So the evening
and the morning were the fourth day.
Che Fifth Day: Che Big Bang
The fifth day was going to be huge, so the FSM rose early. Then He said,
"Let the waters abound, let the skies fill with birds, let the earth bring
forth creatures, each according to its kind. Then let them canoodle and
be fruitful." And He saw that it was good, and He was feeling pretty
proud of Himself, so He hit the Beer Volcano hard that afternoon.
Later that evening He rolled out of bed and landed hard on the fir
mament, and this, fair reader, was the true Big Bang. He had a funny
72 • • The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
feeling and realized in His drunken stupor that He had not only built a
factory in Heaven that turned out scantily clad women in transparent
high heels, but He'd also created a midget on earth, whom He called
Man. And He said, "Wow. Even I might have overreached my Noodly
Appendage on this one," and not even sure what day it was anymore, He
decided to take an extended break from the whole creation gig, and He
gave a quick blessing and declared, "From here on out, every Friday is a holiday."
The Olive Garden of Eden
That midget, however, was ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ noisy. The FSM couldn't deal with
all the complaining down on earth, so the Lord FSM commanded the
midget, saying, "Here's an idea... why don't you collect the semolina,
rice, and what-have-you, and make pasta in my image. That's what it's
there for. And fill your mouth with it and be quiet and peaceful. But be
careful with the olive tree, for the olive itself is good, but the pit inside
is rock hard and you could choke on it or break a tooth, so you should
consider it as evil; if you choke on it you shall surely die, which would
mean I wasted a hell of a lot of time on you, although I'm already hav
ing second thoughts."
Man wasn't excited about eating pasta seven nights a week, so the
FSM broke down and brought him all the animals, and Man renamed
each as a food group. Cattle he called "beef." Pigs he called "pork,"
"ham," or "bacon." Strangely, Man stuck with "chicken" for chicken.
Perhaps Man was tired at this point and had lost his sense of creativity.
The FSM suggested that Man take a nap, so he did. When he awoke,
the FSM said, "Man, have I got a surprise for you. Check this out.
Woman!"
The midget stared blankly for a moment, then said, "Can I keep
her?" And the FSM said, "From now on a man shall leave his father and
mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh," and
then the FSM thought to Himself, This should be interesting.
The Holy Noodle • * 73
"I owe you one," said the midget-man.
Before long, Man broke his damned tooth on that olive pit, and the
FSM said, "What did I give you ears for if not to listen to me?" And Man
said, "I have ears?" And he eventually located them on the sides of his
head, but not before discovering a small Noodly Appendage between
his legs, which he noticed was infinitely smaller than even the shortest
of the FSM's appendages, and he realized that his woman appeared to
be thinking the same thing, so the midget-man said, "Hand me one of
those fig leaves, will you?"
Later the woman suggested that Man didn't need such a big fig leaf,
and she hinted that there might certainly be another Man somewhere
on earth, maybe Eden had a gardener somewhere, and the midget-man
looked her up and down and said, "One word, honey. Cellulite."
Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they
were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves
coverings. And they heard the sound of the FSM floating around
the Olive Garden and they hid and said, "What are you doing here?"
Then the FSM said, "Where are you?" Man said, "I heard you floating
around over there, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid
myself."
And the FSM said, "That's fine, but can you tell me where you hid
those delicious breadsticks? I haven't eaten since the Creation."
"We ate them all," the midget-man lied. "There aren't any more
breadsticks left."
The Flood
Then the FSM saw that the wickedness of Man was great on earth, and
that every thought of the little midget was ruled by his stomach.
Then the FSM said, "Fine, I'll just cook for myself," and He produced
a great Colander of Goodness and He did collect water in an enormous
pot, which He heated; and He did drop in a heaping portion of pasta
and slowly simmer the sauce for so long that the original humans
74 The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
weren't even around anymore when He was finally ready to eat. And He
poured the spaghetti and water into the Colander of Goodness, careful
to make sure that the water went down the drain of His sink. And as He
was eating, He vacantly cons