Elden Ring isn’t a game. It’s a beautifully crafted hate crime. I paid $60 to get verbally annihilated by a ghost, shanked by a swamp shrimp, and curb stomped by a tree that walks for no g0ddamn reason.

The first enemy I saw was a golden knight on a horse. I thought, ‘This must be the tutorial.’ He folded me into a pretzel and rode off like he had somewhere to be. Tutorial my ass. I spent 2 hours dying to the local wildlife before a goat decided to do a backflip and concuss me.

The bosses? Oh, you mean the family of rage demons who show up uninvited to make sure I never feel joy again? One dude threw a dragon at me. A whole ass dragon. Where’s my dragon?

And the NPCs? Every single one of them either calls me a b1tch, sells me overpriced junk, or casually mentions they’re turning into a lobster. Except for Ranni. She’s perfect, and if anything happens to her, I’m uninstalling this hellscape.

Final verdict: Elden Ring is like dating a toxic latina you know it’s bad for you, but you keep coming back because it’s just that good. 15/10, would cry, swear, and die again.