Hopper
Reed Sanford   Hattiesburg, Mississippi, United States
Level
24
Big Daddy
500 XP
 
 
Ah! My arch-nemesis, finally we meet, after all these years. Are your shackles too tight? Keep in mind they have to be somewhat tight, so as not to defeat the purpose, but I don’t want them to be too tight. How do you like my underground cavern lair? Is it too dark? How do you like the blacklights?

I admit I would be lying if I said I am not happy to see you. It has been a pleasure doing combat with you all these many years, in our little game of cat and mouse, often aided by explosives, or flying machines, or houses of mirrors. You have been a most worthy foe. In some ways, I will regret destroying something so extraordinary. In some ways, I will really enjoy it. Killing you will be like destroying a beautiful butterfly.

You may laugh, but we are not so different, you and I. OK, actually, do not laugh. Let me continue, please. Stop it. Guard, show our friend what happens when we laugh too much.

That’s right, we lose television privileges. You’re not laughing so much now, are you?

Like I said, we are not so different. We both lost our parents at a young age. We both seek out the darkness and shun the light. We both have secret identities. We both keep secrets, and have lost loved ones because of these secrets.

Oh crap. That’s my phone. Excuse me, I have to take this.

We have both gotten in trouble for keeping secrets with people who think that secrets are rude.

We both are left handed. We both are aided by vaguely British, elderly manservants who many people erroneously think share a homoerotic relationship with us. Why can’t two men be longtime companions without it being intimated that it is something more than that, I ask you? We both wear our hair short on the sides and back but slightly longer at the front, styled with molding gel. We both went to small, liberal arts colleges in the Midwest, majoring in English. Except that I went to an evil small liberal arts college, and you went to a small liberal arts college that fought for justice.

Can you touch your tongue to your nose? Do it. I can too! I’ve never met anyone else who can do that! Is your family Irish? Oh, you’re Scottish? Close enough. Let me ask you this: were you picked last always in gym class? Oh.

But look: we are wearing the same outfit.

There are some crucial differences, and this is why we fight on two different sides of the law. Obviously, your shoes are nicer than mine are, just because you can go shopping in the city’s finest stores under your unassuming alter ego. Whereas my facial disfigurement keeps me from venturing out in daylight, forcing me to put together clothes from what I find in the gutter. No, it’s okay, really.
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(Scene opens as live-action shot of the man on a simple boat at sea with an easel and pencil)

French Narrator: Well, well, what is this? Ah, the artist at sea. Let us watch and see the fruits of his struggle. Ah, it seems that inspiration has struck.

Artist: Hmm...ah! (draws some strokes. he hums something. however, he drops his pencil into the sea) My pencil! What?

French Narrator: The artist has learned the first lesson of the sea: Always bring a spare pencil.

Artist: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! (cut to the pencil dropping into the water, then cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick playing "Rock-Paper-Scissors" with bubbles)

SpongeBob: Okay. Ready, Patrick?

SpongeBob: One...

Patrick: Two...

SpongeBob and Patrick: Three! (blows the bubbles. SpongeBob's scissor shaped bubble cuts Patrick's paper shaped bubble in half)

SpongeBob: Scissors beats paper, Patrick! (laughs)

SpongeBob: One...

SpongeBob and Patrick: two...

SpongeBob: three! (They blow a tie in paper) Patrick, how come you always do paper? (suddenly, the pencil drops and bursts their balloons and pierces the ground. the two scream)

Patrick: What is that thing SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: It looks like a giant pencil.

Patrick: Go touch it.

SpongeBob: It is a giant pencil, Patrick! Let's draw some giant pictures with it.

Patrick: Whatcha drawin'?

SpongeBob: Stand back, Patrick! I can't draw with you breathing down my neck!

Patrick: Psh, artists.

SpongeBob: It's a jellyfish.

Patrick: Pretty good, SpongeBob! But it's lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired.

SpongeBob: Eh, everybody's a critic.

Patrick: SpongeBob, I think your drawing's coming to life!

SpongeBob: Now that's more like it, Mr. Critic!

Patrick: No, I mean look at it, it's swimming away!

SpongeBob: Do you know what this means, Patrick?

Patrick: Uh...your art can never hang in a museum?

SpongeBob: It means we found a magic pencil!

Patrick: Now all I need is a magic mustache and all my dreams will have come true.

SpongeBob: (laughs) Coming right up! (draws mustache on Patrick)

Patrick: Life is good! (the mustache floats away when coming to life) Easy come, easy go!

Squidward: Squidward, if you had some hair, you'd be the most gorgeous creature in the sea! You've got looks...talent...all you need is a full head of...(the moustache goes on his head and Squidward smiles) hair!

Patrick: My turn!

SpongeBob: Be careful, Patrick! Being an artist is a heavy responsibility. Each work of art is like a child and must be treated as such.

Patrick: Come on! I was just going to draw a cartoon.

SpongeBob: Okay! Why didn't you say so? (Patrick draws a jellyfish with a frown and waving fist) Hey, look! Another jellyfish!

Patrick: It's Squidward, silly! (The Squidward drawing comes to life and mumbles in anger)

SpongeBob: He looks kind of creepy looking when he moves.

Patrick: yeah you're right, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: We can't let him go into town! (Patrick erases it as the Squidward drawing screams)

Patrick: Poor Squidward.

SpongeBob: Okay! My brain just hatched an idea. (They run to Squidward's house where they draw a dollar on Squidward's green mat, attached to a string) (laughing) This is gonna be classic!

Squidward: (dressed up with the mustach still on his head) I think I fancy a stroll around the park.

SpongeBob: (doorbell rings) Oh, Squidward!

Squidward: What do you want?! Hello, what's this? Someone left me money for a perm. Come to Hairy! (SpongeBob pulls the string and the dollar flies away with the string and pulls Squidward onto the ground as Patrick and SpongeBob laugh) Ow! SpongeBob! (The mustache has fallen of Squidward's head) Oh, my hair! (The mustach floats away in the air) SPONGEBOB!!!!

SpongeBob: Wait! I've got another idea! This'll be the ultimate prank. I'll draw me, and when Squidward answers the door...it won't be me! (Draws a picture resembling himself which comes to life) Aww, look at him. Ain't he a doll!? All he needs is a tie. (draws a tie on the drawing of himself) Ready for action! (Laughing as Doodlebob goes to Squidward's door.)

Patrick: He's going to the door.

SpongeBob: He's knocking on the door.(Squidward walks out scowling as he sees Doodlebob)

SpongeBob: Squidward's answering the door and... (Doodlebob grabs Squidward and attacks him as SpongeBob watches in dismay)

Squidward: Oh ow ow ow ow ow ow ohh oww ow ow ow ow ow ow ow owww!!!

Patrick: He's beating up Squidward! (laughs)

SpongeBob: DoodleBoy, stop! (he throws Squidward back in his house. DoodleBob then steals the magic pencil and runs off)

Patrick: He's got the pencil.

SpongeBob: What have I done? We've got to find him! (Later they are searching through bushs) Where could he possibly be?

Patrick: Maybe he's in that poorly drawn pineapple. (Points to a pineapple drawing resembling SpongeBob's pineapple)

SpongeBob: Come on, let's go! (Patrick hides in a bush)

Patrick: (fearfully) I'm not going in there. (SpongeBob also hides)

SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick. I'm right behind you. Baby steps. (They walk towards the pineapple hiding in the bush) Almost there... (DoodleBob draws a hole in their path which comes to life. They fall into it.)

Both: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! (They crash)

Patrick: What just happened?

DoodleBob: (gibberishly) You want that pencil? Then you better get up here!

SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick. Give me a boost up!

Patrick: Can't we just stay down here where it's safe?

SpongeBob: No way. Listen, I created this ugly little monster and listen, I got to stop him. (a wrench falls and hits Patrick in his head) See what I mean, Patrick?

Patrick: (dopily smiles in pain) Where's the leak, ma'am? (They climb to the surface of the ground to see DoodleBob draw a bowling ball and roll it. It hits Patrick right in his cheek and turns into some pink bowling pins in reaction and a "strike" sign appears. Another then appears when Patrick falls to the ground and the bowling ball falls into the hole and unseenly smashes Patrick.)

SpongeBob: You okay down there, Patrick?

Patrick: (painly) FINLAND!!!!!

DoodleBob: (gibberishly) You'll never get me now! (Runs off in the distance. Later Pat and Sponge hide behind rocks when gibberish yelling is heard. They hide and watch the DoodleBob play with the pencil)

SpongeBob: There he is.

Patrick: He's hideous. He makes me sick, just looking at him. Those big bulgy eyes, that square body, those two buck teeth, and that stupid tie!

SpongeBob: Eh hem.

Patrick: Oh...but it looks good on you, SpongeBob! Heh heh.

DoodleBob: (gibberishly) Maybe I'll just sit down for a little while.

SpongeBob: He's putting down the pencil! This is our chance. On the count of three, we'll jump out and surprise him!

Patrick: Oh boy, a surprise Party!!!! Is it his birthday?"

DoodleBob: (bashes through the rock they're hiding behind and talks gibberishly) Did you say it's my birthday?! (picks SpongeBob up and attacks him)

SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick! Do something! (DoodleBob throws SpongeBob into something hard)AAAAAHHH!!!!

Patrick: Happy birthday! (hands DoodleBob a rock with two pieces of seaweed and coral on it) Here's your present. (DoodleBob smashes it on his head as Patrick dopily smiles in pain) You're welcome.

DoodleBob (Sees SpongeBob aiming the pencil's eraser at him and reacts gibberish) Uh oh...

SpongeBob: Hold it right there, DoodleBob. I brought you into this world and now I'm gonna take you out. Any last words?

DoodleBob: (defeatingly gibberishly talks) OK, I'll be outta here!

SpongeBob: I'm sorry, what was that?

DoodleBob: (frowns and speaks gibberish again) I said "OK I'll be outta..." (SpongeBob erases his face and DoodleBob runs off blind and smashes into a rock)

SpongeBob: Hold still, Doodle. This is for your own good. (begins to erase DoodleBob to oblivion) Take that and
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Comments
The Freeman 24 Dec, 2021 @ 3:33pm 
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Cyborg Ninja 11 Jul, 2020 @ 3:45pm 
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Exil-Seele 26 Oct, 2015 @ 8:59pm 
are you made of Fluorine, Iodine, and Neon? Because you're damn FINe
FlameB1 12 Aug, 2015 @ 2:56pm 
-rep Keeps stealing my pencil at school. +rep good friend :beginners: