Hey, can you please call me as soon as possible? Bruce apparently was holding in a log the size of a car tire and he kept pacing around, I knew he had to go but I was so busy tryna get a double kill bot lane that I told him "hold on hold on" well I guess he couldn't hold on anymore and he let it loose all over the living room carpet. It smells. Bruce got really scared but maybe also excited because he started humping the air so hard he fell over into his own car-tyre sized poo poo, he tried to get up but I guess we've been feeding him too well because he couldn't roll over right and just ended up rolling all over his own poopies. I'm typing this from the bathroom because it's the only place that isn't smeared in dog doodie. Oh, by the way I never got that double kill bot lane. I ended up getting double killed in bot lane. My teammates kept pinging "bait" on my character so I thought they wanted me to go in. So, yea, anyway, call me when you can.

AITA for not twisting my spine to accommodate Jajabing's needs during bedtime? She gets 96% of my paycheck and 99.8% of all my mental & emotional capacity, but tells me that it's not enough because I don't willingly pursue osteoporosis at night by contorting my body during bedtime to allow her to pancake out in our king sized bed. I suggest to her to maybe use her memory foam bed that I bought for her (I bought it after budgeting for 6 years, lived on ramen and rocks during that time and sold pics of my feet to make enough money), and she tells me that I'm being selfish because that's the bed she needs to breathe towards (and occasionally scratch at), not sleep on. So, single individual playing some steam game that definitely doesn't also go through this, AITA??

What's up sexy? Want to exchange numbers? ;)