come back please

good friend

lel we won without you noob

stroll into my local GameStop

looking to pick up a copy of Binding of Isaac

grab the game and take it to the charming maiden at the register

"Pardon me, milady...but could you ring me up? A shame I don't have your number or I'd ring you up instead..."

she giggles and takes the game, blushing as her fingers brush mine due to my fingerless gloves

her eyes widen as she reads the game's title

"Wow, I've never seen anyone buy this before! You must have special taste!"

I smile and ready a witty response when suddenly a voice rings out from behind

"Hahaha look at what this ♥♥♥♥♥♥ is buying! That's not Call of Duty Advanced Memefare! What a piece of ♥♥♥♥!"

I quickly turn around, my cloak billowing behind me, to discern the source of the rude outburst

generic dudebro caricature with a sports team cap and "the guy that beat you up that one time behind the school in early October" shirt is standing there guffawing

"Excuse me sir...you may disparage my person if you wish, but it is untoward to swear in front of a lady."

"♥♥♥♥ you ♥♥♥♥♥♥!"

I smile quietly and tip my fedora low across my eyes, concealing them

"As you wish..."

I quickly swing my cane into his kneecap before he can react

he bellows and charges forward

I expertly sidestep him and the cashier screams as he crashes into the counter

I draw my sword-cane and mutter a quiet oath as I drive it deep into his back

"...requiescat in pace..."

As I clean my blade the girl walks out from behind the counter, twirling her hair with her fingers

"So...maybe you'd like to come over to my place to play that game sometime...?

"No thanks, milady, it's only single player. Besides..."

I sheath my sword

"You're not my type."

skate away on my Heelys

"touch grass" is not an insult towards gamers, rather it is advice for them. When participating in intense periods of gaming, the human hand has a tendency to get sweaty. The sweat causes the hand to become slick, and it b becomes more difficult to retain a grip on the gamers gaming mouse, thus making it more difficult to perform well in intense gaming moments. By touching grass with the gamers hand, the grass will impart a layer of particulate onto the gamers hand, the particulate can be made of a variety of dusts, dirts and other natural matter. This particulate will then act in a similar form to climbers chalk, absorbing the sweat and drying out the gamers hand. With dry hands, the gamer can now perform to their maximum when gaming. This is why when an enemy or teammate tells you to touch grass, they are simply trying to assist you in performing better.