-“If you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. If you teach the man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.”

-Need Water for my Village

-A Hole That Does Not Heal, The More You Poke It Better It Feels.

-A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.
Lorraine dies suddenly.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

-Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

-Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.

"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."

"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

-I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."

-Q: What comes after 69?

A: Mouthwash.

-A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

-What's the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

-Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other?

A: "Together, we can stop this s**t."

-Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench, and a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first lady had a stroke, the second lady had a stroke, and the third lady's arm was too short to reach.

-Whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent, an old pirate captain would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of his crew members asked him what it meant.

The pirate captain replied, "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

He told the crew member, "Get my brown pants."

-A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

-Q: Why are constipated people so rude?

A: They don't give a crap.

--A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ass.

''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''

''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No s**t!'''

-Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?

A: The hide-and-seek champion of 1996.

-Q: What is the definition of agony?

A: A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.

-Q: How does a redneck tell the difference between a bull and a cow in the dark?

A: He sticks his nose in the animal's ass. If there's a place for his tongue, it's a cow.

-Q: How do you get a baby into a bowl?

A: A blender.

Q: How do you get them out?

A: Doritos.

-Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

A: Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

-Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea?

It's all over town.

-Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

To smoke some marijuana

Jack got high

Pulled down his fly

And Jill said I don't wanna!

-Jeremy and Kris walk down the street and see a dog licking himself.

Jeremy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!"

Kris replies, "I think you'd have to pet him first."