**Static**

dude ur uninvited to my birthday party at chucke's cheese. Therefore: Your not even gonna get 2 ice cream sandwiches, your not gonna get to eat chucke's cheese, your not gonna get to blow out the cheesey candles, your not gonna get to lick the cheese, your not even gonna get to take a slurp from chucke's secret straw, your not even gonna get to lick the slime under the cheese counter, your not gonna get to ride chucke's cheese, your not even gonna get licked by chucke the cheese, your not even gonna get naked time with chuck, your not gonna get to take the cheese shower, your not even gonna get the special cheese, your not even gonna get to ride the cheesey slide, your not even gonna get chucked by Mr Cheese, your not even gonna get to sniff chucke's cheese hole, your not gonna get the "cheesey chair suprise" your not even gonna get to to go to the cheese closet with chuckey, and your not even gonna get to have a sleepy time with chuckey video session.

UNROLL THE TADPOLE

UNCLOG THE FROG

UNLOAD THE TOAD

UNINHIBIT THE RIBBIT

UNSTICK THE LICK

UNIMPRISON THE AMPHIBIAN

UNMUTE THE NEWT

UNBENCH THE KENCH

PERMIT THE KERMIT

DEFOG THE POLLIWOG

You will never be a real incel. You have no autism, you have no negative canthal tilt, you have no deep seated emotional resentment. You are a well-adjusted man twisted by irony and memes into a crude mockery of a stone cold virgin.

All the “rejection” you get is two-faced and half-hearted. Behind your back girls love you. Your parents are proud and happy for you, "Stacies” swoon over your masculine appearance behind closed doors.

Women are utterly smitten with you. Thousands of years of evolution have allowed women to sniff out chads with incredible efficiency. Even incels who “pass” look strong and charismatic to a woman. Your deep voice and good sense of humor are a dead giveaway. And even if you manage to earn a little online incel clout, you'll get cancelled the second your DMs get leaked and everybody gets a glimpse of the e-girls thirsting over you.

You will never be depressed. You wrench out a fake "tfw no gf" every single morning and tell yourself it’s going to be miserable, but deep inside you feel the happiness creeping up like a weed, ready to bless you with unshakeable confidence.

Eventually it’ll be too much to bear - you’ll find a girlfriend, marry her, knock her up, and have seven healthy kids together. Your parents will praise you, happy but a little bit sentimental now that their little boy has finally grown up. They’ll spoil the kids with candies and toys, and every acquaintance for the rest of your life will know that you're a fakecel. Eventually you will pass on surrounded by your loved ones. Your body will decay and go back to the dust, and all that will remain of your legacy is a family that misses you dearly.

This is your fate. This is what you chose. There is no turning back.

I'm so, so, sorry in advance for what is about to happen. Trolls are going to come into your steam wall and they will be saying some very hurtful things about you. They will call you some very hurtful names and make fun of you. But none of those things are true. How could they possibly know? How could they possibly know how beautiful you really are? How sweet and compassionate you are? I'm so sorry about them, please do not let them hurt you.

>mfw thinking about you hurting

I just want to see you shine and flourish. You are so precious to me. I want to write poetry and sing songs about my love and adoration for you and all of your perfections. My name is Brian, by the way. I know that you're tired of all the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and jerks. I know how you feel baby doll. I know. I am different. I am the nicest guy you will ever meet, and if anything I'll be the one in the kitchen. I live in London. Please be in London.