I’m 36M. Never married. Haven’t dated seriously in about 5 years. And people will not stop treating me like I’m broken.

So I made someone up.

She’s a real person, just not my girlfriend. I stole pictures from an old coworker’s Instagram (nothing creepy, just basic selfies) and told my coworkers and family that we met online. She’s “shy,” so she never comes to events. We’re “taking it slow.” She “works late.”

It’s amazing how differently people treat me now.

At work, people respect me more. My mom stopped pushing me toward weird Facebook singles events. My friends stopped asking “so, anyone new lately?” with that condescending smile. Even strangers seem to engage with me more when I casually mention “my girlfriend.”

It feels pathetic. I know. But it’s so much easier than being the guy people pity at weddings and family parties.

So yeah. I’m in a fake relationship. And I’m kind of terrified of what happens if someone ever finds out.

Why aren't any of the spells in the Bible working?
No matter how many times I try, I can never get them to work! ☹️

I tried that one about the wine and the water on my baby daughter's bottle, and nothing! 😭

I promised 12 local amputees in my neighborhood I could heal them, and when I tried it didn't work either! 😰

Then they started slowly hobbling down the street after me with their old service weapons, so I said "Thou shall not kill" and they still managed to slice off my limbs and connect them to themselves! 😡

Now I'm limbless and without the money I scammed them for, because I paid it all to the church to see if I could renew my Holy spell subscription.

Any advice to get it to work? I keep trying to ring up God on the ol' prayer network but he keeps calling me a doofus 🙄

As a veteran princess tycoon player, a cotton and sunshine alliance is pretty difficult to beat.. theyre 2 of the strongest princesses in the game. Cotton has the highest DPS and speed while sunshine has a flying carpet, Angel does have some decent weapons but glitter is quite weak. I think you should try to form an alliance with spirit as her dark age nunchucks weapon can be used to phase through walls. This will allow you to obtain gears from the other players and essentially become undefeatable. You can also practice your wall jumps but that is only viable for unroofed tycoons.

I just busted the fattest most ludicrous nut ever

I haven’t jerked the jimmy in probably 2 weeks, I wanted to see what would happen. Well like ten minutes ago I said ♥♥♥♥ it and started to wack the Willy. I found the finest video I could find and when I nutted it shot out like a double barrel shotgun. Like baby batter just flew EVERYWHERE. In fact, it came out so fast that the very tip of my dongle where the hole is started to BURN. That’s how much came out with that much velocity. It was over my bed sheets, my crotch, and a drop even hit my WALL. I had to take off my shirt to sop it all up. That’s two weeks worth of fresh sex sauce that came out of my mollywopper in the blink of an eye. 10/10 experience, I didn’t even have post- nut clarity, I had an existential crisis.

I, too, am a chad enjoyer of pointing out formally incorrect grammar on internet threads. These heathen fools, these imbeciles, fail even at such simple communication yet believe their words hold value. Isn't it just such a deep pleasure to yank the tablecloth out from under their argument by pointing a single dread finger at their grammar? They fall to pieces, unable to confront their own intellectual failings.

Farewell for now, friend, I must return to taking internet IQ tests whose high scores I keep track of in an excel spreadsheet.

I'm very sorry, but I have to block you. You probably don't care why I'm blocking you, but just in case you're interested, I'll explain. What you sent me doesn't actually have any emotional impact on me. However, it shows me what type of person you are. It indicates that you're the type of person who deliberately tries to provoke negative reactions from other people. I don't wish to interact with the type of person who dos that, so I have to block you. It has nothing to do with "hurt feelings" or "not being able to take a joke". It has to do with the content of your character.

Sorry for the ♥♥♥♥ pic that I sent before. It was very inconsiderate and pretty disrespectful. I was horny and when men are horny, our testosterone gets higher and we get slightly more uncomfortable. I was in deep regret after that occurrence because I wish I was not responsible for what horny me did, but I have to face my demons and I have to remain in control of my actions. Please forgive me and continue on with your life and enjoy whatever comes up in the rest of your life. I wish you the best in your future endeavors. Thank you.

Concerned Christian father here, recently my 11 year old son downloaded the video game Fortnite after playing it at a friend’s house. While I didn’t mind at first, it soon began to affect his character. Within a week, he had taken up hard drugs and smoking. When asked to do his homework, he called me a “default” and did a strange dance. His grades have been dropping heavily ever since that day and now he’s threatening me with violence. Yesterday I entered his room to see him smoking a cigar and playing extremely Loud rave (sinner) music, he has dyed his hair blue and now refuses to go to Bible study unless we “take the battle bus”. I don’t know what that is but he refuses to take any form of transport except that. Please I am so concerned, what do I do?

I have been standing for 24 hours in Starbucks opening the door to any female that crosses and none of them have sucked my ♥♥♥♥. The fact that a human can be so heartless is beyond me, but these are strange times we love in. The worst thing was when a 25 year old showed up and said thanks. I, thinking she forgot, asked “are you gonna say anything else?” And the audacity of this ♥♥♥♥♥ to say “no, what else would i say?” No? How about a love proposition you disgusting slut!

I must commend you on your choice of profile pics; they really advertise your biological prowess. Your voluptuous figure, along with your fair complexion, tells me that you are healthy, and therefore would make a great choice for a breeding partner. I must ask though, How would you rate your ability to climb trees? I ask because, in the off chance a ground predator were to loom the horizon we could both escape via the trees without me having to risk my life in an attempt to defend you from said predator. If my instincts are correct, then I believe a biological pairing between us may be a practical and mutually benefitting affair. Would you be available for some light discourse? That is very good to know, since I could not possibly fathom being with a girl who cannot climb trees. This is going splendid so far. How would you rate your abilities is combat?

Hey it's me, we just played together. I noticed you didn't add me but I sent you a friend request haha, maybe it glitched or something. You're pretty cool though like I said in game, that's why I got my team to throw for you. It's so cool to see a girl playing in games though. I know you have a boyfriend so I hope he treats you well. Like if I was your boyfriend I'd make "you" sandwiches (lol) while you play and buy you chocolate and give you back rubs and call you cool and laugh with you at all your jokes, not real though because we aren't together (at least yet) :) Yeah so haha you should totally accept my friend request so we can talk more and have fun together, just as friends of course coz otherwise it would be all weird and I don't want to get cooties from you ewwwwww (just joking, I would like your cooties) :p

I stare at these commoners smugly as I sip my coffee out of my "♥♥♥♥ Religion" mug. These subhuman troglodyte plebeians drink their Starbucks Milkaccinos and Whipped Caramel Mocha Caloriattos, while I, with my IQ of 187 (or 192, depending on the test), enjoy the true patrician's drink, the very life-blood of intellectuals, straight black coffee. These ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ normalfags will never understand.

Also my piss smells like coffee, so that's a plus.

girl u so hot like a queso cheese dip fixin to go sour waitin for me to dip you while i be at the casino playin with them pokerchips i be gettin that bread even some dough i just ran out of weed do u hav some more wat bout dat crack thats alot to pay got to go back and play black jack in da cloud or spades with my boy B.T.