My Pokéman brings all the nerds to the yard, and they're like: You wanna trade cards? Damn right I wanna trade cards. Gimme Pikachu with electric charge!

Some funny quotes:

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

The road to success is always under construction.

Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ...

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.

The conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing.

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.