Hey, Stacey says shes pregnant and that you were the last one to be with her, I lost your number and am trying to reach out to you, if you can just let her know your sperm does not work, The radiation you recieved from the one thing ruined your sperm forever, anyways please let her know its not yours. She wont stop claiming you owe her the next 18 years and that your job as head of accounts can afford it.

Also, since I am already writing to you, I wanted to tell you that there is no reason to use those duck pills to stop your ass from leaking, I was reading that it only makes it worse in the long run and that swamp ass is getting kinda nasty, anyways I love you and mom says she misses you.

Legends never die.

Rest in Peace to a legend

This may the be the strangest message you'll ever receive but I do hope you'll take the time to read it and consider what I have to say. To put it simply, I would really appreciate it if the next time your birthday comes around you would request that your clop artist friends (who like to give you sexually oriented pony art as gifts) draw some pony other than Twilight Sparkle for you.
The reason I ask this is that Twilight is my fiance, and we're planning on getting married next June or July should everything go as planned financially speaking. And yes, I have actually found a wedding chapel that will let me marry someone that most people would consider a fictional character.

+REP GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR AND EVEN OFFERED TO DRIVE MY GRANDMA TO THE HOSPITAL ON THURSDAY, WHICH I REALLY APPRECIATE BECAUSE I HAVE A DOUBLE SHIFT AND CANT TO IT MYSELF OTHERWISE I WOULD DO IT, BUT HE OFFERED TO SO THANKS

+++rep, has famous glasses; i've seen footage