The soldier who survived a pepper spray and mustard gas attack is now a seasoned veteran.
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I knew I was destined to be a psychologist as opposed to a magician when I pulled a habit out of a rat.
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"I don't have any flowers," Tom said, lackadaisically.
"I wish I had a candy bar," Tom snickered
"I dropped my toothpaste!" Tom exclaimed, crestfallen.
"I only have spades, diamonds, and clubs," Tom said heartlessly.
"Why is that inmate going down the stairs?", Tom said condescendingly.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
"The Rolling Stones are cancelling their show," Tom said, disconcertedly.
"I've lost my wedding ring" Tom said without abandon.
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I just had a bath in sparkling French water, as recommended by my fizzy eau therapist.
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- Thank you for your participation in this spelling bee. Your word is "DEFLECTION".
- Can you use it in a sentence?
- Can YOU use it in a sentence?
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While I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed, at least I’m great at analogies.
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The man who fell into the upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
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I thought I saw Idris Elba in town earlier, but it turned out it was just Idris A‎rse.
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- I repair church tower roofs for a living. It’s hard work, but I get paid 500 euro's.
- Per spire?
- I do get a bit sweaty, yes.
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I ate something that didn’t agree with me earlier. Fastest way to win an argument, really.
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My ex told me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen her face when I drove past'er.
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My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer.
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A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is to try not to form an emotional bond.
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You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
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I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.
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I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
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I'm reading an excellent book about anti-gravity -- I just can't put it down.
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I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts, which on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.