Guess what, jackass- I just got off the phone with Fritz and he doesn't seem to believe your lawsuit could hold water if it was written on a bowl. You have 12 hours to remove your bocci balls from my sun porch before I put them at the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ curb.

Bono and I were talking yesterday and he had an AWESOME new business idea. He's currently looking for investors and I knew immediately that you needed to hear about it because you're gonna wanna get in on this ASAP.

Basically, when he's traveling on the road, he likes to buy the Family Size bag of Lays chips. The problem is that his chips are constantly breaking in his bag and he's just left with the crumbs. And sometimes, the chip bag will pop inside of his travel bag leaving a huge mess and no chips for him to eat.

That's why his plan is to take Lays chips, re-package them into mason jars, mark up the price, and call it Lays II. This is so ingenious and what we expect from a mind like Bono: you get brand recognition (everyone already KNOWS what Lays is), it's the same taste that everyone already knows and loves, AND your chips will always be in pristine condition.

Hit me up if you wanna throw down a cool $100k on this like I have.

Sorry I missed your intervention, but I had Styx tickets and I couldn't miss them AGAIN. They rescheduled twice during the pandemic.

But dude, what a show. They played "The Best of Times" followed by "Babe", and then, get this, they had Paul McCartney from Wings come out and play "Come Sail Away" together! Talk about an EPIC moment.

Anyways, I hope you get the help you need with your drug addiction and that rehab works for you this time.

Hey it's me again, just wondering what time you needed me to bring the leaf blower by on Saturday. I just gave her a tune up so she should handle whatever job you throw her way but I'm going to need to be THAT guy and ask you kindly not to plug her into extension cords that were made outside of the United States.

I was reading an article on Bloomberg this morning and there was a fascinating opinion piece on the fall of the perception of "Made in America" being directly correlated to the influx in "Made in China" extension cords. I'm sure you read it, you were the one that got me into Bloomberg articles.

Okay well just let me know, I'll be in your area around 11am to check out the 2023 Pathfinders at the dealership (not looking to buy, just like knowing what's out there). Bye bye now.

You're not getting that promotion.

I already put in 12 hours of overtime this week without reporting it. Upper management thinks I'm a G-O-D for the amount of work that I can produce in what they think is 40 hours. I have been planning on moving up these ranks to take that vacant position before they even announced that Jack was leaving.

My promotion is already in the bag, so I'll just reveal my hand at this point: I'm the one who keeps stealing your car battery. That was the 5th time in this past quarter. They just think you don't have your ♥♥♥♥ together at this point, and the word around the water cooler is that you're making it up now. Then you got sick the next day and had to take time off and that was just the cherry on top to make you look like the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ sack of ♥♥♥♥ you are.

Remember when you missed the shareholders meeting because you were locked in your office? Ha! Eat ♥♥♥♥ and die ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. That $5000 salary raise is mine. I can't wait until they demote your ass.

Wow, thanks a ton jackass.

Yesterday I saw you moving in and I offered to help. But you declined. Seems like you were fine as you didn't even use half of the 4' x 8' UHAUL trailer hitched to the back of your car -- minimalist kind of guy. Okay. You didn't need help.

Then the following morning at 4:30AM you ring my doorbell waking me up to ask if you can borrow my lawn mower. Wasn't sure where you're from but here that's rude. Trying to be non-judgemental, I let you borrow it but ask you to wait until 10 AM to start mowing your lawn.

Then you ring my doorbell AGAIN at 9AM and ask if you can borrow my water hose. I say yes but I'm irritated.

By 11AM, I noticed that I never heard the mower start. I look outside and I see my hose running from my car's gas tank towards the front of your house. Now I'm mad.

Then I see you've packed up and left. Wtf is wrong with you? Do you go around, borrow people's stuff, and then leave? Now I have no gas and I need new mower. What the actual ♥♥♥♥.