My mom warned me about people like you.

GINGERBREAD MAN
You are a monster.

FARQUAAD
I'm not the monster here. You are. You
and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
me! Where are the others?

GINGERBREAD MAN
Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
eye.)

FARQUAAD
I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)

GINGERBREAD MAN
No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
buttons.

FARQUAAD
All right then. Who's hiding them?


GINGERBREAD MAN
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
muffin man?

FARQUAAD
The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man.

FARQUAAD
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
on Drury Lane?

GINGERBREAD MAN
Well, she's married to the muffin man.


FARQUAAD
The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man!

FARQUAAD
She's married to the muffin man.

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

HEAD GUARD
My lord! We found it.

FARQUAAD
Then what are you waiting for? Bring
it in.

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
Mirror.

GINGERBREAD MAN
(in awe) Ohhhh...

FARQUAAD
Magic mirror...

GINGERBREAD MAN
Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
him up and dumps him into a trash can
with a lid.) No!

FARQUAAD
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Is this not the most perfect kingdom
of them all?

MIRROR
Well, technically you're not a king.


FARQUAAD
Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
hand mirror and smashes it with his
fist.) You were saying?

MIRROR
What I mean is you're not a king yet.
But you can become one. All you have
to do is marry a princess.

FARQUAAD
Go on.

MIRROR
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
and relax, my lord, because it's time
for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
And here they are! Bachelorette number
one is a mentally abused shut-in from
a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
include cooking and cleaning for her
two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
number two is a cape-wearing girl from
the land of fancy. Although she lives
with seven other men, she's not easy.

Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
find out what a live wire she is. Come
on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
picture of Snow White) And last, but
certainly not last, bachelorette number
three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
But don't let that cool you off. She's
a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
and getting caught in the rain. Yours
for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
number two or bachelorette number three?

GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!


FARQUAAD
Three? One? Three?

THELONIUS
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
three, my lord!

FARQUAAD
Okay, okay, uh, number three!

MIRROR
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
Fiona.

FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
have to do is just find someone who
can go...

MIRROR
But I probably should mention the little
thing that happens at night.

FARQUAAD
I'll do it.

MIRROR
Yes, but after sunset...

FARQUAAD
Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
the perfect king! Captain, assemble
your finest men. We're going to have
a tournament. (smiles evilly)

DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

DONKEY
But that's it. That's it right there.
That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.


SHREK
So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.


DONKEY
Uh-huh. That's the place.

SHREK
Do you think maybe he's compensating
for something? (He laughs, but then
groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
He continues walking through the parking
lot.)

DONKEY
Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

MAN
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.


SHREK
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
screams and begins running through the
rows of rope to get to the front gate
to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
- - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
walking straight through the rows. The
attendant runs into a wall and falls
down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
continue on into DuLoc.)

DULOC

They look around but all is quiet.

SHREK
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?


DONKEY
Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
to sing.

WOODEN PEOPLE
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect place.

Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

DONKEY
Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
to run over and pull the lever again)

SHREK
(grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
No. No. No, no, no! No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

FARQUAAD
Brave knights. You are the best and
brightest in all the land. Today one
of you shall prove himself...

As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.

SHREK
All right. You're going the right way
for a smacked bottom.

DONKEY
Sorry about that.

FARQUAAD
That champion shall have the honor -
- no, no - - the privilege to go forth
and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
the first runner-up will take his place
and so on and so forth. Some of you
may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
that? It's hideous!

SHREK
(turns to look at Donkey and then back
at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
It's just a donkey.

FARQUAAD
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
kills the ogre will be named champion!
Have it him!

MEN
Get him!

SHREK
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
into a table where there are mugs of
beer)

CROWD
Go ahead! Get him!

SHREK
(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
settle this over a pint?

CROWD
Kill the beast!

SHREK
No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
Come on!

He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
to say that Shrek kicks butt.

DONKEY
Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.

SHREK
Yeah!

A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
and sees him.

WOMAN
The chair! Give him the chair!

Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

SHREK
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
Shrek.

HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, sir?

FARQUAAD
No, I have a better idea. People of
DuLoc, I give you our champion!

SHREK
What?

FARQUAAD
Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
honor of embarking on a great and noble
quest.

SHREK
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
to get my swamp back.

FARQUAAD
Your swamp?

SHREK
Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
fairy tale creatures!

FARQUAAD
Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
I'll give you your swamp back.

SHREK
Exactly the way it was?

FARQUAAD
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.


SHREK
And the squatters?

FARQUAAD
As good as gone.

SHREK
What kind of quest?

Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

DONKEY
Let me get this straight. You're gonna
go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back
a swamp which you only don't have because
he filled it full of freaks in the first
place. Is that about right?

SHREK
You know, maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.

DONKEY
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
his bones to make your bread, the whole
ogre trip.

SHREK
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
decapitated an entire village and put
their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
cut open their spleen and drink their
fluids. Does that sound good to you?


DONKEY
Uh, no, not really, no.

SHREK
For your information, there's a lot
more to ogres than people think.

DONKEY
Example?

SHREK
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
(he holds out his onion)

DONKEY
(sniffs the onion) They stink?

SHREK
Yes - - No!

DONKEY
They make you cry?

SHREK
No!

DONKEY
You leave them in the sun, they get
all brown, start sproutin' little white
hairs.

SHREK
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers! Onions have layers. You
get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
a sigh and then walks off)

DONKEY
(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

SHREK
I don't care... what everyone likes.
Ogres are not like cakes.

DONKEY
You know what else everybody likes?
Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
Parfaits are delicious.

SHREK
No! You dense, irritating, miniature
beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.


DONKEY
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
on the whole damn planet.

SHREK
You know, I think I preferred your humming.

DONKEY
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
making a mess. Just the word parfait
make me start slobbering.

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.

DRAGON'S KEEP

Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.

DONKEY
(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
You gotta warn somebody before you just
crack one off. My mouth was open and
everything.

SHREK
Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
must be getting close.

DONKEY
Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
about it's the brimstone. I know what
I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
didn't come off no stone neither.

They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
foreboding.

SHREK
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
into a groan)

DONKEY
Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
ogres have layers?

SHREK
Oh, aye.

DONKEY
Well, I have a bit of a confession to
make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
wear our fear right out there on our
sleeves.

SHREK
Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.


DONKEY
You know what I mean.

SHREK
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

DONKEY
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
about being on a rickety bridge over
a boiling like of lava!

SHREK
Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
just tackle this thing together one
little baby step at a time.

DONKEY
Really?

SHREK
Really, really.

DONKEY
Okay, that makes me feel so much better.


SHREK
Just keep moving. And don't look down.

DONKEY
Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
look down. (he steps through a rotting
board and ends up looking straight down
into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
off, please!

SHREK
But you're already halfway.

DONKEY
But I know that half is safe!

SHREK
Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
You go back.

DONKEY
Shrek, no! Wait!

SHREK

SHREK
Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
bridge)

DONKEY
Don't do that!

SHREK
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
the bridge again)

DONKEY
Yes, that!

SHREK
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
the bridge)

DONKEY
No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

SHREK
You said do it! I'm doin' it.

DONKEY
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
Oh!

SHREK
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
towards the castle)

DONKEY
Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
pain-in-the-neck anyway?

SHREK
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
(chuckles)

DONKEY
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.


INSIDE THE CASTLE

DONKEY
You afraid?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY
But...

SHREK
Shh.

DONKEY
Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation.
Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
add. With a dragon that breathes fire
and eats knights and breathes fire,
it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
if you're a little scared. I sure as
heck ain't no coward. I know that.

SHREK
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
Now go over there and see if you can
find any stairs.

DONKEY
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
the princess.

SHREK
(putting on a helmet) The princess will
be up the stairs in the highest room
in the tallest tower.

DONKEY
What makes you think she'll be there?


SHREK
I read it in a book once. (walks off)

DONKEY
Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
won't know which way they're goin'.
(walks off)

EMPTY ROOM

Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.


DONKEY
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
the stair master. I've mastered the
stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
I'd step all over it.

ELSEWHERE

Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

SHREK
Well, at least we know where the princess
is, but where's the...

DONKEY
(os) Dragon!

Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
breathes fire.

SHREK
Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
a hold of the dragons tail and holds
on) Got ya!

The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
on the floor.

DONKEY
Oh! Aah! Aah!

Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
part of the bridge he's on.

DONKEY
No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
what large teeth you have. (the dragon
growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
I know you probably hear this all time
from your food, but you must bleach,
'cause that is one dazzling smile you
got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
freshness? And you know what else? You're
- - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.

You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
(the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
at him) What's the matter with you?
You got something in your eye? Ohh.
Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
work out if you're gonna blow smoke
rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
up with her teeth and carries him off)
No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA'S ROOM

Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
and shakes her away.

FIONA
Oh! Oh!

SHREK
Wake up!

FIONA
What?

SHREK
Are you Princess Fiona?

FIONA
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
rescue me.

SHREK
Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

FIONA
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
romantic moment?

SHREK
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.


FIONA
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
sweep me off my feet out yonder window
and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

SHREK
You've had a lot of time to plan this,
haven't you?

FIONA
(smiles) Mm-hmm.

Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
the hallway.

FIONA
But we have to savor this moment! You
could recite an epic poem for me. A
ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!


SHREK
I don't think so.

FIONA
Can I at least know the name of my champion?


SHREK
Uh, Shrek.

FIONA
Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
out a handkerchief) I pray that you
take this favor as a token of my gratitude.


SHREK
Thanks!

Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.

FIONA
(surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?


SHREK
It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
(takes off running and drags Fiona behind
him.)

FIONA
But this isn't right! You were meant
to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
That's what all the other knights did.

SHREK
Yeah, right before they burst into flame.


FIONA
That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly
stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
ignores her and heads for a wooden door
off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
going? The exit's over there.

SHREK
Well, I have to save my ass.

FIONA
What kind of knight are you?

SHREK
One of a kind. (opens the door into
the throne room)

DONKEY
(os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
I believe it's healthy to get to know
someone over a long period of time.
Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs
worriedly) (we see him up close and
from a distance as Shrek sneaks into
the room) I don't want to rush into
a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally
ready for a commitment of, uh, this
- - Magnitude really is the word I'm

looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that
is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what
are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just
back up a little and take this one step
at a time. We really should get to know
each other first as friends or pen pals.
I'm on the road a lot, but I just love
receiving cards - - I'd really love
to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's
my tail! That's my personal tail. You're
gonna tear it off. I don't give permission
- - What are you gonna do with that?
Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.
No, no, no. No! Oh!

Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings
toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks
up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.
He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps
Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.
Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and
roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto
her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms
a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey
take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and
then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.

DONKEY
Hi, Princess!

FIONA
It talks!

SHREK
Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's
the trick.

They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots
a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a
crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His
eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles
off and walks lightly.

SHREK
Oh!

Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.


SHREK
Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll
take care of the dragon.

Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the
castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping
chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that
is still around the dragons neck.