Originally aired 10/9/97 9:00pm

Transcript by Ethan Brown



Written by Steve Koren

Directed by Andy Ackerman



Cast:

Jerry Seinfeld himself

Elaine Benes Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Cosmo Kramer Michael Richards

George Costanza Jason Alexander

Frank Costanza Jerry Stiller

Estelle Costanza Estelle Harris

Patty Lori Loughlin

Mr. Lippman Richard Fancy

Lloyd Braun Matt McCoy

Rabbi Bruce Mahler

Adam Lippman Ross Malinger





% The Costanzas are driving in the car.

Frank: I got no leg room back here. Move your seat forward.

Estelle: That's as far as it goes.

Frank: There's a mechanism. You just pull it, and throw your body weight.

Estelle: I pulled it. It doesn't go.

Frank: If you want the leg room, say you want the leg room! Don't blame

the mechanism!

George: All right, Dad, we're five blocks from the house. Sit

sideways.

Frank: Like an animal. Because of her, I have to sit here like an animal!

Serenity now! Serenity now!

George: What is that?

Frank: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets

too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'Serenity now!'

George: Are you supposed to yell it?

Frank: The man on the tape wasn't specific.

George: What happened to the screen door? It blew off again?

Estelle: I told you to fix that thing.

Frank: Serenity nowww!





Patty: So I told Bobby and Lisa that we'd try the new Chinese Spanish

place La Caridad on Saturday.

Jerry: Oh, I thought we had tickets for the Knicks home opener.

Patty: Well I thought this would be more fun so I gave the tickets away.

Jerry: What? All right, fine.

Patty: Are you mad at me?

Jerry: No, I love a good Chinese Spanish whatever it is.

Patty: You know... I've never seen you mad.

Jerry: I get peeved.

Patty: Mad.

Jerry: Miffed.

Patty: *Mad*.

Jerry: Irked?

Patty: I'd like to see you get *really* mad.



George: Why does she want you to be mad?

Jerry: She says I suppress my emotions.

George: So what do you care what she thinks.

Jerry: Good body.

George: She probably gets that impression because you're cool.

You're under control. Like me. Nothing wrong with that.

Jerry: But I get upset, I've yelled. You've heard me yell.

George: Not really. Your voice kind of raises to this comedic

pitch. (Kramer enters)

Kramer: Hey.

Jerry: Kramer, I am so sick of you comin' in here and eatin' all my food.

Now shut that door and get the hell out of here!

Kramer: (Laughing) What is that, a new bit?

George: I told ya. Hey, any of you guys want to come out and help me fix

my father's screen door in Queens?

Jerry: Sorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the Bronx.

Kramer: I'll do it.

George: Really? You wanna come?

Kramer: Yeah, I love going to the country.

Elaine: Where are they goin'?

Jerry: Fix a screen door in Queens.

Elaine: (Laughing) That's funny. Hey, listen, what are you doin' Saturday

night?

Jerry: Not goin' to the Knick game.

Elaine: I need someone to go with me to Mr. Lippman's son's Bar Mitzvah.

Jerry: You know, if you don't bring a guest they save a catering. You

should be able to buy a cheaper gift.

Elaine: (Taking out Boggle) Oh, I don't think that's possible.



Kramer: (Holding camera) Get in a little closer. I can't see the screen

door. (Takes picture) Perfect.

George: Dad, the hinges are all rusted here. That's why the wind keeps

blowing the door off.

Estelle: I hate that old door. Throw it out!

Frank: Serenity now!

Kramer: It might be time to just let her go, Frank. She's worked

hard for ya.

Frank: Will you put her to rest for me?

Kramer: Oh yeah, I'll take good care of her. (Rips out the screen door)



Estelle: (From other room) Get George to put those boxes in the

garage.

George: Dad, what's all this?

Estelle: (From other room) It's junk.

Frank: My computers. I've been selling them for two months now. Shut up!

George: You're selling computers?

Frank: Two months ago, I saw a provocative movie on cable TV. It was

called The Net, with that girl from the bus. I did a little reading,

and I realize, it wasn't that farfetched.

George: Dad, you know what it takes to compete with Microsoft and

IBM?

Frank: Yes, I do. That's why I got a secret weapon... my son.



Jerry: Damn it, they gave me cream! I asked for nonfat milk!

Patty: I think they have 1% over there.

Jerry: 1%?! They can kiss 1% of my ass!

Patty: OK, Jerry, enough. I'm not buying it.

Jerry: You're damn right you're not buying it!

Patty: You shouldn't have to try. It's just being open.

Jerry: I'm open. There's just nothing in there.

Patty: Sarcastically) Uh huh.

Jerry: Oh, you think I'm lying about this?

Patty: I think you are.

Jerry: Well, I'm not.

Patty: Yes, you are, liar.

Jerry: Oh, stop it.

Patty: OK, liar.

Jerry: That's enough!

Patty: Ooh, that was good.

Jerry: Really? It felt good.



Elaine: Congratulations, Mr. Lippman.

Lippman: Oh, Elaine. My boy's a man today. Can you believe it? He's

a man.

Elaine: Oh, congratulations, Adam. (Adam zealously French-kisses

Elaine)

Adam: I'm a man!



Jerry: Tongue?

Elaine: Yeah.

George: Wow! I didn't try that 'til I was 23.

Jerry: Well this kid's not just a man. He's a man's man.

Elaine: And I think he's been telling his friends. I got invitations to six

more Bar Mitzvahs. (phone rings)

Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to

stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you

should thank me. Goodbye. (Hangs up) Hey, I'm flyin' first class.

Elaine: Where did that come from?

Jerry: Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?

Elaine: No.

Jerry: Good.

George: All right, relax, tough guy. I got to go out to my father's

garage, help him sell some computers.

Jerry: What? The two of you workin' in that garage is like a steel cage

death match.



George: Kramer.

Kramer: Yeah.

George: What-what are you doing?

Kramer: Oh, I'm putting up Frank's screen door. This beauty's got a

little life in her yet.

Jerry: What do you need it for?

Kramer: (Closing door) The cool evening breezes of Anytown, USA. Let's see

how this baby closes. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.



George: Morning, ma.

Estelle: (From another room ) You're late!

George: Morning, dad.

Frank: I'm not 'dad' in the workplace. My professional name is Mr.

Costanza, and I will refer to you as 'Costanza'. Morning, Braun.

Lloyd : (Handing Frank coffee) Morning, George. Two cream, no sugar.

George: What is Lloyd Braun doing here?

Frank: Your mother recommended him.

George: Yeah, of course she did. That's all I ever heard growing up

is 'Why can't you be more like Lloyd Braun?' Did you know he was in a

mental institution?

Frank: I didn't read his resume.



Braun: (Ringing the sale bell) Another sale, Mr. Costanza. Chalk me up on

the big board.

George: (Inquiring about the chalk board) What is this?

Frank (Drawing a zero under George's name) This is your lagging. Good

work, Braun.

Estelle (From another room) Good for you, Lloyd!



Elaine: So Adam, I just talked to your father, and, apology

accepted.

Adam: I'm not apologizing. It was great. I told everyone.

Elaine: Yeah, I know. Uh, by the way, could you do me a favor and

tell Mitchell Tanenbaum that I will be unable to attend this Saturday.

Adam: Are you free Friday night?

Elaine: I am, but that is not the point. You are thirteen, and I am

in my early... 20s.

Adam: But I'm a man. The rabbi said so.

Elaine: No. You are not a man. It takes a *long* time to become a

man. I mean, half my friends aren't even there yet.

Adam: Well, if I'm not a man, then this whole thing was a sham! First,