Does the Illuminati have YOU under surveillance?
Five simple tricks to help you learn the TRUTH!

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In our current age of technological connectivity, it's difficult to differentiate between the various "powers that be" that keep us all under constant watch like the timid sheep they assume we are. Maybe you've noticed them - a shadow darting across the hallway out of the corner of your eye, a stranger's furtive glance from behind an open newspaper, unknown connections showing up on your WiFi list, a half-eaten cookie on the counter when you know for a fact you probably definitely didn't eat any cookie and why is that cookie even there anyway? You never made any cookies. Certainly not any cookies that seem to phase in and out of existence in the manner this particular half-eaten cookie does... anyway.

Forget the well-known "powers that be" for a moment. The CIA? They spend their time watching people watch Netflix and browse Reddit in some vain attempt at putting together algorithms for "shows and subreddits potential terrorists like". Same with the FBI and any other government alphabet organization you can think of. They're small fries; they chase small fries. Most of them are completely human and wouldn't know a reptilian hybrid from a Grey hybrid.

Enter the ILLUMINATI.

Who are they? Those who skim the surface of the deep waters claim they're a group of rich, powerful people behind the curtains, throwing money around to influence everything from which wars to fight to which brand of fluoride to infect our water supply with.

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but they are WRONG. The Illuminati is not made up of ego-inflated multi-billionaires. The Illuminati consists of two groups of aliens - Reptilians from the Orion star system and the Greys from Rigel. Those from Orion are master shapeshifters, moving in and out of human society unnoticed as they influence society from the top down. Those from Rigel are more suited to background decision-making - the true "men behind the curtain". The Greys perform experiments in secret bunkers deep within the hollow flat earth, combining their DNA with humans to create a new breed of politician. As this has been happening since the 20s, most higher-up politicians in DC are either Grey hybrids or shapeshifted Reptilians!

If you've attracted their attention, then you clearly know something they don't want you to know. But how do you know that you know something they don't want you to know? Maybe it was some small snippet of information you wrote off, and they don't know that you don't know that said information was vitally important. Basically, there's a lot of knowing and not knowing going around, and that's why it's difficult to determine if your current surveillance complement includes aliens or if it's just the run-of-the-mill FBI agent that everyone gets assigned to at birth.

This is where my handy dandy list comes in! These simple tricks will help you become more aware of your current situation!

1A - Turn the A/C up. Too simple, right? What a weird thing to suggest? Fun fact: Reptilians and Greys are both cold-blooded creatures. In areas that are just a bit too cold, their bodies can no longer regulate heat properly and their core body temperature drops, leading to mental fugue, clumsiness, and forgetfulness. Crank up that A/C to around 50F for a few days, and nine times out of ten you'll suddenly find your belongings mysteriously scattered and various furniture knocked over.

1B - If you really want to get into the smaller details, pour a bag of flour in front of all the exits in your home. Do this, of course, AFTER you've turned the A/C up. If you attempt it at normal temperatures, they'll be in their right minds and will simply wipe away their footprints. Grey feet: Small, four long toes, no arch in the middle. Reptilian feet: Large, three clawed toes, prints tend to be dragged a bit.

2 - Leave photos of Queen Elizabeth II or Vladimir Putin with slightly unflattering photoshops hanging on your wall. Elizabeth II is revered by the Reptilians, and Putin is revered by the Greys, so they will attempt to covertly "fix" the image by removing the unflattering bits. Most people wouldn't even notice the quick fixes unless they really observed the pictures with a photographer's eye, but if you put the discrepancies in there in the first place, it should be noticeable to you, detailed eye or not.

3 - Put a copy of any Joel Osteen book on your kitchen island. If your kitchen doesn't have an island, put it on the floor in the middle where an island would be. Come back the next day. If the spine of the book is facing west, you have Illuminati problems. If it's facing east or south, you're dealing with normal FBI agents. I've never seen a Joel Osteen book's spine face due north, but I've heard whisperings. If your book is facing due north, flee your house and make certain you never touch anything that's come into contact with peat moss. Your life is in danger.

4 - Coat your drapes with a thin layer of WD-40. If nothing happens, you're good. Otherwise, you'll know it when you see it.

5 - Tin foil hats are a part of a huge disinformation campaign. Wearing a tin foil hat actually makes it EASIER for the Illuminati to pick up your brain waves. DO NOT WEAR THE HAT. Instead, put the hat over a cup of tap water. When the Illuminati tunes in to catch your thoughts, they'll pick up the horrific mutterings of various Satans using the fluoride network to carry out their demonic influences. The aliens of the Illuminati are at odds with the spiritual world and don't quite understand its meaning. They will instead assume you've gone mad and will send a "helpful neighbor" to come check on you. Expect a smiling old woman with peach cobbler.

I hope this helps you! If so, please hit the "like" and "subscribe" button in your subconscious mind to get notified of any future updates! And if you have any tips and tricks that have worked for you, don't hesitate to reach out.

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- Barrel O'Nukes, Professional Conspiracy Expert PhD