My Dearest Compatriot,
It has been too long since we last conversed. I found your paper on the seahorse's chemical properties fascinating. Did you yet receive my commendation for your fourth PhD? It should arrive quickly, I lent the post-boy a sixpence for his utmost haste. Thenceforth, I must ask for you to make amends with Margaret. She has child-bearing hips, and it does so confuse me that you will not take her hand in marriage. This wrought my concern, having heard the rumors. Surely you could not be a homosexual such as the literature professor at the gala? Dr. Dang, these rumors would act to wreak havoc upon your academy, please stifle them with immense care. I do so look forward to your next message.
Dr. Van Steiner, Professor of Etymology at Cambridge University