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89 of 89 (100%) achievements earned:
Personal Achievements
 

R. Kelly's Protege

Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it.
Unlocked 25 Dec, 2015 @ 5:15am

Duck Dynasty

Used a Bass Sniffer Radar.
Unlocked 21 Feb, 2016 @ 5:08am

Here, Wilfred

Gained your first dog helper.
Unlocked 25 Dec, 2015 @ 7:45am

Chapelle's Show

Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut.
Unlocked 28 Jan, 2018 @ 1:30pm

Taxidermy with Chuck Testa

Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun.
Unlocked 25 Dec, 2015 @ 5:15am

Michonne ain't got nothin' on me

Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes.
Unlocked 27 Jan, 2019 @ 5:03am

Someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Survived Monday.
Unlocked 28 Dec, 2015 @ 7:21am

C U Next Tuesday

Survived Tuesday.
Unlocked 13 Jan, 2016 @ 5:46am

OMG, NEW MODERN FAMILY TONIGHT!

Survived Wednesday.
Unlocked 22 Feb, 2016 @ 10:39am

It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays

Survived Thursday.
Unlocked 23 Feb, 2016 @ 8:01am

Workin' for the Weekend

Survived Friday.
Unlocked 25 Feb, 2016 @ 8:48am

Screw Bill Lumbergh!

Survived Saturday.
Unlocked 11 Jan, 2016 @ 8:58am

I swear, I thought it was a home fill

Exploded a nuclear bomb.
Unlocked 27 Jan, 2019 @ 6:06am

Cesar Millan is Very Happy

Mauled 30 people with your dog.
Unlocked 28 Dec, 2015 @ 6:53am

OMG, WE'RE HAVING A FIRE...sale

Roasted 30 people with fire.
Unlocked 29 Oct, 2016 @ 8:40am

Rebecca Black's Nightmare

Totaled 30 cars.
Unlocked 25 Feb, 2016 @ 8:20am

Hello, Newman

Kicked 30 dogs.
Unlocked 28 Jan, 2018 @ 2:03am

Darth Maul'd!

Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe.
Unlocked 11 Jan, 2016 @ 9:12am

Reddit would be proud.

Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

Pussy on a Pedestal

Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun.
Unlocked 27 Jan, 2019 @ 5:27am

I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace

Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit.
Unlocked 21 Feb, 2016 @ 5:55am

Uncle T-Bag

Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell.
Unlocked 25 Jan, 2019 @ 1:22pm

Do you even Enzyte, bro?

Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it.
Unlocked 7 Sep, 2016 @ 4:43am

Running With Scissors

Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors.
Unlocked 2 Nov, 2016 @ 11:12am

Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!

Killed over 1,000 people.
Unlocked 21 Feb, 2016 @ 5:15am

And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree

Killed all of the book protestors in the library.
Unlocked 22 Sep, 2017 @ 10:37am

Lieberman is our Leader!

Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office.
Unlocked 30 Oct, 2016 @ 8:01am

Sheriff Arpaio would be proud.

Killed 30 or more people of each skin color.
Unlocked 13 Jan, 2016 @ 5:43am

Can't Touch This

Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face.
Unlocked 12 Jan, 2016 @ 6:06am

Fear and Loathing

Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

Señor Cornballer

Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked 25 Jan, 2019 @ 1:38pm

GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!

Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm.
Unlocked 25 Dec, 2015 @ 6:30am

Rick Grimes 4 Life

Made 30 zombies lose their heads.
Unlocked 12 Jan, 2016 @ 6:33am

Anustart!

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

40 Year Old Virgin

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

CAN YOU DIG IT?!

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people.)
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

Planet of the Apes: The Musical

Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty.
Unlocked 24 Jan, 2019 @ 4:11pm

Scientology Level: OT VIII

Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

Fur Sure!

Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them.
Unlocked 28 Dec, 2015 @ 7:19am

It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog

Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head.
Unlocked 28 Dec, 2015 @ 6:53am

Where's Mr. McGibblets?

Gave Krotchy the bad touch.
Unlocked 23 Feb, 2016 @ 7:37am

Finkle IS Einhorn!

Gave a kickoff to a severed head.
Unlocked 25 Dec, 2015 @ 5:57am

Anger Management With Roger Clemens

Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer.
Unlocked 31 Oct, 2016 @ 11:21am

Shiva Blast

"Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

Don't taze me, bro!

Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked 25 Jan, 2019 @ 1:36pm

I Am Legend

Committed suicide... the Taliban way.
Unlocked 28 Jan, 2018 @ 1:53am

I should buy a boat

Read the newspaper every day.
Unlocked 23 Feb, 2016 @ 8:02am

Friend of Dorothy

Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level.
Unlocked 26 Dec, 2015 @ 3:44am

Officer McLovin'

Asked a police officer to sign your petition.
Unlocked 21 Feb, 2016 @ 3:00am

Paid the Piper

Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest.
Unlocked 20 Jan, 2019 @ 5:44pm

Well, aren't YOU a badass

Kicked open a door.
Unlocked 25 Dec, 2015 @ 5:15am

I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you

Put out someone that's on fire.
Unlocked 25 Dec, 2015 @ 5:15am

It's sterile and I like the taste

Sucked down your own piss.
Unlocked 25 Dec, 2015 @ 5:15am

It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway

Killed someone who refused to sign your petition.
Unlocked 13 Jan, 2016 @ 5:01am

FAB-U-LOUS!

Wore all three outfits.
Unlocked 23 Sep, 2017 @ 9:16am

I don't need virgins for this

Suicide-bombed a Taliban member.
Unlocked 28 Jan, 2018 @ 2:16am

A-Rod Who?

Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel.
Unlocked 6 Nov, 2016 @ 10:40am

Door Mat

Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them.
Unlocked 23 Feb, 2016 @ 8:28am

Chuck Norris'd!

Killed someone with a flying jump kick.
Unlocked 26 Mar, 2016 @ 9:19am

One time, at band camp...

Saved the marching band from explody death.
Unlocked 24 Dec, 2017 @ 12:55am

There's always money in the banana stand

Found the secret bank exit on Monday.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

SCREW that game!

Found the hidden copy of POSTAL III and peed on it.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

Found 'em faster than GWB

Discovered the hidden Taliban base.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

Gotta pay the Troll Toll

Found one of the hidden underground sewers.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

John Rambo'd!

Made a very long killing spree.
Unlocked 4 Aug, 2018 @ 8:17pm

Gary vs. The K. Man

Discovered the Gary vs. Krotchy arena during the Apocalypse.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

You are not alone

Observed an NPC going POSTAL!
Unlocked 31 Oct, 2016 @ 10:45am

Thanks for the money!

Finished all seven days.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

GABAGOOOOOL!

Reunited with an old friend.
Unlocked 25 Dec, 2015 @ 5:15am

Holocaust: Part Deux

Reunited with an old enemy.
Unlocked 25 Sep, 2017 @ 7:48am

Rain on your Wedding Day

Reunited with an old flame.
Unlocked 27 Sep, 2017 @ 8:15am

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad

Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

Better than POSTAL III

Rescued your loyal companion.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

My Name is Jesus

Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

Harder than r/gonewild

Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

Adderall4All

Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

Ape Gape

Escaped the Animal Control Center with all monkeys alive.
Unlocked 26 Dec, 2015 @ 3:07am

Dick Message

Wasted no time with the Wise Wang.
Unlocked 25 Dec, 2015 @ 5:15am

PooMasher

Bought the toilet paper instead of stealing it.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

Hobo Sexual

Collected money for charity without stealing from Zack Ward.
Unlocked 27 Sep, 2017 @ 8:07am

Ginger Mint

Killed Zack Ward.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

Ode to Eddings

Deactivated all of the Vend-A-Cure XJ-2 units.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

Ladies Love Cake

Defeated your hateful ex-wife with delicious cake.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

Rich on Reddit

Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

BioShocked

Spent $2000 on vending machines.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

Gettin DP'd

Made 30 kills while dual-wielding.
Unlocked 26 Dec, 2015 @ 3:52am

You Snow Nothing John Blow

Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone.
Unlocked 25 May, 2019 @ 5:08am

RAFIBOMB!!!

Kicked 10 people in the balls.
Unlocked 25 Dec, 2015 @ 8:01am

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Waited 13 real world years to see an in-game Easter egg. Thanks for sticking with us!
Unlocked 23 Sep, 2017 @ 1:35am