I know six or seven people who claim to have been anally raped by atomic space monkeys while
in traction at the hospital down-town.

They then formed a cult and committed ritual suicide in the basement of the local elk's club beer
and billiard hall by strangling each other with wet Kleenex.

The first officers to respond to the frantic 911 call described the scene as "slippery," and were
shocked to find buckets of trout that had been drowned in what appeared to be a mixture of
diarrhea and pine-sol. The officer who made the discovery had his statement taken at the
hospital, where he was rushed after losing consciousness and collapsing into the fetid mixture
while attempting to examine the contents of the buckets up-close. When asked to comment on
his condition, the officer declined, and was content to simply say; "That's the power of Pine-sol."
The officer in question was anally raped during the first evening of his hospitalization by atomic
space monkeys, and, unable to form a death cult, went insane and took a massive ♥♥♥♥ out of the
hospital window.

Although multiple witnesses claim to have seen the ♥♥♥♥, none of these claims can be
substantiated, because to this day, to the bafflement of investigators, no ♥♥♥♥ has ever been
found.