I sit on a balcony overlooking the ongoing battle. With Dorito's in one hand and a 12 Liter Mountain Dew in the other I am prepared for anything that comes my way. The map be Dorado and I sit as I watch the enemy attempt to make their way from spawn and push the payload through to the next checkpoint.

Except they suck massive balls.

I adjust the straps on my Carpal Tunnel bracelet and stroke my glorious neckbeard as I try to pitty them. They're determined i'll give them that, but it's not enough to even bother winning this game. I'd put them out of their misery now, but some Chad-tard already chose Genji much to my dismay and repeated gestures to convince him to change Hero's. I am a master of the Katana in real life and I am a master of it in Overwatch as well, my mom said so and she's always right.

I just wish Stacy would notice my mad Overwatch skills, if she knew that I was basically a pro she might actually date me instead of all the other ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥'s she's been dating. I tip my Fedora Trillbe everytime I see her, open all doors in her path and offer my unwaivering loyalty and protection and she only wants me to "Leave her alone." If she could only see the errors of her ways and actually see me for what the gentleman and scholar I am. One day she'll jump into my cheeto-coated arms and tell me "Oh Eugene, how could've I been so blind to you're true gentlesir self!" instead of "I'll call the cops if you keep violating the restraining order."

Very well Stacy, if you wish to play hard to get, I will play your game.

I snap back to attention as a sound echo's through my headphones, it wasn't my insulin pump, it was better, only the most savory sound on planet earth.

"My ultimate is ready!" Shouted McCree in his stern, Clint Eastwood style voice. As I have done in my thousands of hours before and as I will do now, show these quick-match punks who's the real boss of payload.

I look to my Waifu which lay on my bed, waiting for me to come to her and be by her side. I speak only a gentle whisper.

"Not now my love, duty calls." After muttering those shivering words I adjust the volume to drown out the sound of my parents fighting and to fully immerse myself into the situation at hand.

I lay my finger on the 'Q' key, letting my finger slide off and watching the color of my screen go from normal to brown-scaled. The words of a true man resonate not only through the map but the inside of my mind.

"It's hiiiiiigh noon..." I shake at the mere sound of that phrase along with witnessing only the most juicy of scenes I have ever seen. Even better than the My Little Pony sale last week.

I wait for the lock and with the single click of my Walmart mouse I bring in the most amazing and magical moment into my grasp.

"Doubl... Tripl...Quadrupl...Quintupl...Sextuple Kill!" The announcer shoted with exciting glee. Little did I know it would be the proudest a woman will ever be with me.

A team wipe, i've only managed to do that once before, once with a genji ultimate long ago. It was a glorious moment not only for me but for my waifu as well. I look over and she has slumped over and fallen off the bed in an attempt to show me that she was proud of my deeds. I tip my Fedora Trillbe in responce, I spoke in a soft voice once again.

"Dear" I whimper before taking a hit of my inhailer. "I will be with you shortly, I promise."

Just as I say that a blinding light is shown down upon me. I heared the voice of one i've heard only so many times.

"Eugine!" shouted my mother, "Come get your ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ tendies!"

What was that I heared? Did I hear the one magic word? Did I hear...

TENDIES?

TO BE CONTINUED AT A LATER DATE