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You know that one friend who is REALLY into Radiohead? Like, the person who takes the day off from work to wait for Radiohead tickets to go on sale? You ever notice how that friend isn’t really into many other bands besides Radiohead? That’s because it takes so much effort to understand what is good about Radiohead that it’s impossible to have time to discover any new music.

Radiohead fans are the type of people who feel perfectly comfortable dropping a hundred bucks on some rare Japanese import single and then shrink wrapping it, putting it on a meticulously organized shelf (alphabetical, then chronological), and never touching it again. And they have no problem with spending that kind of cash on a record they will never listen to because they’ve all got steady jobs as computer programmers and they sure as hell ain’t losing money on romantic evenings out on the town with women. (Yes, I just generalized that all Radiohead fans are guys, but let’s be real here.) No date has ever ended in sex which started with some nerd’s dinner conversation about how Kid A foreshadowed 9/11 (which is a real thing that Radiohead supernerd Chuck Klosterman believes).

Or the Radiohead binary theory which hypothesizes that their 1997 album OK Computer and their 2007 album In Rainbows form together perfectly to create a decade-spanning mega-album. Wow! What are the odds that one album full of computer noise ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ would vaguely sound like another album full of computer noise ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥? What geniuses!

That’s sort of the M.O. for Radiohead fans—desperately grasping at straws to believe that a band who ♥♥♥♥♥ around with a bunch of computer wires and passes it off as a concept album are some sort of brilliant visionaries whose records are works of art. Maybe it’s overcompensation for the fact that they have to spend 10% of their time listening to Radiohead albums and 90% trying to convince themselves that they understand what the ♥♥♥♥ they’re about. But yeah, Thom Yorke is totally an alien or Jesus or whatever you want to believe to make your ♥♥♥♥♥♥ taste in music more acceptable.

Sure, in the grand scheme of things, it’s much better to have musicians out there like Thom Yorke than a shameless cash-hungry scumbag like Gene Simmons or the throat-tatted douchebags who play the Warped Tour every year. Yorke seems like a nice guy and all, but come on. He’s not the musical lord and savior, he’s not from another planet. He’s just a strange little British man who dances like a spider monkey. For a prime example of his musical mediocrity, look no further than Atoms For Peace, his side project which makes Radiohead look like Slayer. And it’s not like Yorke's singing voice is saving him. The guy sounds like what happens when you give a toddler a toy microphone and let him go nuts. If you gave a 5-year-old a Moog synthesizer, recorded him ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ around for an hour, and released it as a new Radiohead album called Moon Princes, nine out of ten fans wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.