I woke up this morning with loose stools, a problem common to men that have ravaged their bodies with sugars their entire lives. Despite that, I was confidently farting throughout the day. In literary circles this is known as foreshadowing.

I was playing Helldivers 2 at my preferred difficulty - Helldiver - and the mission was going south. We were fighting the automatons and had exhausted all of our reinforcements. I was the last one alive. Minutes prior, I had decided to take matters into my own hands and start playing the objective while my allies got distracted shooting at things for the sake of shooting them. I was waiting for the terminal to finish loading in the prone position, trying to evade an automaton patrol when it happened - I went to fart, and ended up ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ myself.

Now I don't have a ♥♥♥♥ fetish. ♥♥♥♥ is gross. My first urge after my ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ reflexively sucked inwards as though that would somehow undo the spreading catastrophe in my pants was to tear my clothes off and rush into the shower. But my team needed me; democracy.... needed me. So I gritted my teeth and I waited. I could feel the slimy substance beginning to seep and settle and I was trying my hardest not to move so I didn't have to feel my gritty cheeks rub against each other.

As soon as a reinforcement became available I called them down, as the automatons had sniffed (heh) out my presence and I was now in full survival mode. For four additional, agonizing minutes we were in a fighting retreat while I stewed in my own excrement. My mind began to wander. Is this what my forefathers had to do in WW2? Was there ever a point in time where they found themselves trying to fight the nazis after having ♥♥♥♥ themselves? How many heroes throughout time had, had to do the impossible and fight for their lives with blown-out drawers? I felt a sense of pride begin to well up, washing away the shame of my incontinence.

The sense of relief I felt when the Pelican settled down is difficult to describe. I slammed my finger down on the comms button, informing my team "I think I ♥♥♥♥ myself, brb" as the bird rose triumphantly into the sky, headed to the safe berth of our Super Destroyer. I stripped my clothes off in a pile and waddled off to the shower, humiliated but somehow proud that I had endured. Even as I was trying to kick away my investigating dogs from my toasted pants I knew that for once in my life I had made a sacrifice for those around me.

I couldn't help but salute, at which point my wife walked in on me, asked me what the ♥♥♥♥ I was doing before screaming at me for standing in the middle of the bathroom covered in poop.

I did my part. Are you doing yours?

EDIT: haha j/k - game is as ♥♥♥♥♥♥ as by burnt out pants

EDIT 2: A win for Democracy. Sony backed down.