What the ♥♥♥♥ did you say about gamers? Decades of nolife FPS gaming have honed my hand-eye coordination to peak human performance. My carefully conditioned reaction times and twitch reflexes easily beat those of the black-tailed mongoose known for its speed, and I am capable of moving my forearm muscles with robotic precision.

Carefully listening to enemy footsteps in Counter-Strike has tuned my hearing to the point where I can hear the heartbeat and respiration of a hare fifty yards away, and immediately pinpoint its location in complete darkness. Identifying enemy weaponry and equipment by its sound has familiarized me with thousands of military and civilian weapons and vehicles; I can easily recognise a Hind-D even over the sound of a thunderstorm.

Peering at individual pixels while holding the most minuscule of corners has sharpened my eyesight to almost raptorian levels. Camouflage is all but useless against me. I can read 12pt text written in Comic Sans from up to 74 feet away, and can identify a monitor's refresh rate with three hertz precision up to 638Hz. Wearing my stylish and comfortable Gunnar™ gaming glasses has protected my eyes from near-sightedness as a result of staring at a screen all day.

My incredibly low mouse sensitivity has toned my upper body muscles to those of a professional athlete. Being perfectly ambidextrous, I alternate my mouse hand to balance the gains on both sides of my body. Playing Ingress and Pokemon Go during scrimming off-days has kept my lower body in shape too.

I have not only improved physically, but mentally as well. Tens of thousands of ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ on various community forums such as Reddit have made me a social and literary genius. My shotcalling experience has transformed me into an inspiring leader, and playing CS:GO matchmaking in the EU has given me an understanding of international relations rivaling that of most foreign ministers. I might have a promising career in politics ahead of me once I quit esports after achieving everything a gamer could possibly want to achieve.

Having to learn dozens of different games and hundreds or thousands of different maps has improved my memory and learning capabilities. My natural genius and calm, analytical character have obviously helped greatly as well. During the time it takes for me to walk from the bicycle rack to the front door of the grocery store, I can memorize the license number of every car in the parking lot and perfectly recall them days later.

Interacting with the international gaming community has made me fluent in five languages, including Russian, Chinese, and Guatemalan. I speak them all with only the slightest accent, completely imperceivable to all but the most astute of listeners, and write them with impeccable grammar. My combined vocabulary across all the languages I know is over 150 000 words.

This is what it means to be a gamer. I am by no stretch the only one. There are many like myself, and we are the future of mankind.