Hello. I am a rare breed of Weezer fan known as the Wereweezer. This is a condition that has affected my life in horrible ways. Every waxing gibbous moon, I transform into Rivers Cuomo. For six or so days, I am forced to become a man who’s music I love. Sometimes I find myself walking down the street when a random half-Japanese girl sees me and runs down the street screaming “UwU ALERT! UwU ALERT!”, hardly noticing the change. It’s a part of my life. My wife has trouble in bed because of my six-day celibacy every month. I can’t even be tempted by anyone who isn’t my beloved Kyoto Ito. I get gigs at local restaurants that think I’m Rivers, and sadly, I don’t disappoint.

I become Rivers, in my body and in my soul. I start my normal self, but as soon as the first night comes, I begin to change. The thick prescription lenses leak out of my head and onto my face. I shrink to the man-let size of 5’ 6”. Worst of all, I begin to think like him. I am still myself, yet I am also Rivers Cuomo.