Shingeki no Kyojin: Kastratus Inflatus

''Listen Eren, there is another way: Cutting of the schlongs and sacks of all Eldian people. It would take a while but with my power... I can do it within a year, maybe even less, depends how hard the men and their sons squeel, struggle, scream and resist the inevitable'' Suddenly Eren, Levi and Mikasa hear a laugh. ''Kenny, you're supposed to be dead! how is this possible. kuso...how!?" "Yooo Levi, you out of all people should know that we Ackermanns only die of old age” Kenny suddenly started laughing again. ''Manlet" In a split second Levi kicked his sack, it became blue and turned black. Meanwhile Eren tells Kenny that he is required at the HQ of the Scout Regiment. ''Erwin's orders. Obey. Go.'' Kenny leaves immediately in unbearable pain. A few seconds later Kenny starts barfing in the hallway. Meanwhile the discussion continues as normal. ''Levi, I told you that Zeke and I already have a plan... Besides, men like to keep their schlongs.'' Said Eren emotionless. ''I'll never trust that monkey, but I trust you Eren although you're kickable face is beginning to give more and more headaches..'' ''I will keep moving forward, while the Eldians of the Paradis escape a new kind of horror'' Without any emotion he said: ''I have a final task for- (Eren stops talking for a few seconds because of hallway noise…) “If you succeed I will release the connection to the host you Ackermanns are bound to; me... You will infiltrate the Liberio containment zone and cut away all Eldian crotches, you take only the tips back here with you, see them as the bounty, one tip is worth 2 cups of black tea, 50000 tips is worth the first iceburst stone powered Mercedes, made by the finest engineers of the New Eldian Empire: Gottlieb Daimler and founder of the company... engineer Carl Benz, the richest man on Paradis.
''Armin will pick you both up after deeds are done; sacks are gone, the packs are won, tips no longer bound to schlong'' Eren said, emotionless. Levi isn't to happy about it, because he has to keep cleaning his hands from all those dirty ass schlongs. (''the cutting is easy, but the mentally takes a toll, even on me' ''What if they are infected with STD's.. or worse?!'') Levi thought to himself.

A few days after they infiltrated Marley a strange asian boy suddenly approaches Levi and spoke: “I am Franku Filthstein sir, I saw what you did to that man. Can you cut off my balls too? "They hurt, I have a cancer boss, in the sack” The mysterious asian boy started impatiently yelling ''Hear me ugly dwarf?!” ''Uhm.. why are you glaring at me imp, just do-'' In a Split second Levi felt a dark energy coming from the man. without saying a word Levi rips open the man’s pants and didn't cut the balls, he went straight for the tip, just the tip. Franku started squealing and cursing in Japanese. Than he disappeared, never to be seen again. (Zuckerberg saw the event happening, as he always does.) As Levi was about to walk away he suddenly sees that the tip starts growing into a pale man. ''Hello Levi, long time no see. I will…. touch you now” He instantly falls to the ground. (why can't I feel my body? Why can't I breath?!) Levi picks up Voldemort's decapitated head "You got one hell of a nose haven't you? I ain't no h0m0 you pale ugly ♥♥♥♥'' This is the story of how the last Horcrux was destroyed. Harry Potter did die, the walls didn’t fall, Eren didn’t lie and everyone happily ate pie, including Sasha. The dirty dream of Carl Benz also became reality.. he thanked Levi and gave him a Mercedes AMG Ice-Burst X.

A few Months later the Zucc approaches Levi. ''Can I maybe have some of those tips, I need them for my face surgery you see..? I want to become more human'' Levi didn't say a word and just sliced his lizard nape. ''You shouldn't have spied on me, Marku''