[Chorus: Kendrick Lamar]
Top of the mornin', top of the mornin',
Top of the mornin' top of the mornin'
Top of the mornin', top of the mornin'
Top of the mornin', top of the mornin'

Escape From Tarkov. Every time I boot this "c.ock and ball torture simulator disguised as a game" up I age 60-70 years. I swear my eyes start seeing 144p or something once I make the tragic mistake of subjecting myself to the emotional as.sfuc.king that is Tarkov. I just went on a raid on woods to try and pitter patter over to daddy Prapor's circus parade float ambush or something? Idk I didn't read the task message. Only a bunch of clowns would get ambushed like that. Anyway I barely take 2 steps and an even older geriatric man fell asleep on his keyboard, and waddles Infront of me. Ezclap. Take 2 more steps and hear WW3 starting near the USEC camp....right where I need to go. Nades and 60 round magazines are a flying. I think I heard an AC-130 at some point. So I think to myself, I'll just post up on this here rock and observe for a while then move in. I sat on that rock for 4 minutes just chilling. Don't see a single thing move, although I wouldn't be surprised if every pmc and player scav on the map walked into my view and I just didn't see them. After 4 minutes, the bush next to me one taps me with 995. First off, dude I have a PACA and a d.ick helmet, overkill much? And second, this dude sat there, staring at me, for 4 minutes, wondering how the fu.ck I manged to wander out of hospice and get a gaming PC setup to just to support Nikita's juice addiction. Poor guy probably felt like he was executing their braindead grandfather or something.

Took a break for a while, came back and did a run with just an m9 and a single backup magazine, stuffed 3000 rupes into my butt to pay for extract and did a night raid. Booked it from spawn right towards the USEC camp aka gravity well, it seems every pmc spawning on that side of the map is instantly pulled into it. On my way, deadass run straight into two thicc boys. Like I was spooning one of them for a second, I got soaked from the sweat pouring off these guys. I have no idea how I didn't hear or see them until I was nut to butt with what I can only imagine are two TTVs who have been grinding this game everyday since wipe for their 0 viewers. I immediately shi.t myself, not that uncommon for a 90 year old tbh, and start weaving through bushes while reciting prayers from the Bible, Quran, even threw in some nasheeds for a second, I guess it worked because I didn't get hit once. I think they spent the entire GDP of Ethiopia worth of ammunition shooting at me. And of course I am fast as fu.ck with no gear, Chad thundercock and his butt buddy can't keep up, I take a long path and make it to the camp and ambush site with 10 minutes left, scoot over to the Uber driver and get my ass back to this shi.t hole of a barely upgraded hideout. Seriously I only need one more relay to build the ezbake oven so I can cook up some lunchboxes for that fatass Jager but I can't find it, I think they don't really exist and are a conspiracy Nikita made to keep us playing.

I think my grandkids are coming to see me today so that's nice, their dad said if I start ranting about "RMT hackers and Streets of Tarkov release date" they are putting me back in the old people's home.