Recent reviews by I am a sturgeon

Meeerrrmaaaiid

Hilarious! Actually had me laughing out loud at some points.

Short game, but worth it!

Very fun. I wish the game supported custom songs without mods though.

SPOLERS BELOW



Pretty solid game. It got me about 30 minutes of enjoyment. The platforming level was very well designed in the sense that it guides you to the location of the next tree through the layout of the level. The bullet hell stages were also cool, since they were somewhat of a challenge to beat.

You're greeted by a video of two women talking about something. I didn't really pay attention. After what seems like an eternity you're thrown into the first level.

The goal of the first level is to get your faith higher than the garden's faith. You do this by collecting bible verses from destroyed asteroids, while also managing your fuel/ammo levels. Most of the time you'll end up running out of fuel before you can get enough faith, but if you get lucky you'll get a couple cherrubium to spawn at the start so you can get extra fuel. Avoid the giant squid thing. Once you collect enough faith you're rewarded with another cutscene.

Then, you're thrown into a side-scrolling bullet hell. Your character is pretty big, but the hitbox is only the size of the small person in front. Don't get too close to the floating platforms or the floor/ceiling or you'll die. You also can't kill the mech things, so just avoid their shots. The level is pretty straightforward otherwise - just shoot the enemies and don't get hit. The boss is the same as the rest of the level, so just keep shooting and dodge the bullets. Eventually, the music will suddenly stop and he will disappear, and you'll be thrown into another cutscene.

Then, the platforming level... The screen spins for whatever reason, so try not to vomit. Just follow the level and collect the 7 Jesuses and you'll be thrown into the next level after another terrible video cutscene.

Then you fight the final boss, which is a giant giraffe with bubba lips and badly maintained teeth. It's another solid minute of just dodging bullets and holding down shoot, but this time you can only move left or right. Once he dies you are presented with the final screen and some home-recorded christian rock music.

There's nothing after this, so just hit escape a couple times to exit. Then uninstall this game and throw your computer into the garbage. You have just experienced the pinnacle of human enjoyment, so your life is now over.

Jason Welge MVP

9/10 would play again