Seven men are dead today, in an apparent strike of the apple lace killer. Many remember the apple lace killer's rise to fame after she escaped from the Echoing Hills Hospital for the Mentally Unstable. Police are advising all those in the central Ohio area to be on the lookout for a fair skinned woman appearing to be in her mid-twenties with jet black hair. As with her other victims it appears the woman befriended the seven cohabitating men before disguising herself as an aged woman with a heavy black cloak and delivering them each an apple poisoned with a rare venom found only in one species of Brazilian cobra.

The venom effectively paralyzes the victim in a waking sleep like state while she disrobes and has her way with them. Once she gets her fill she severs the victims engorged genitalia and proceeds to "stuff it down their throat until suffocation." When asked to comment, sheriff Tim Rogers had this to say: "Well, heck she's goin' after midgets now. I mean, how can any of us 'spect to be safe!" This has been a special news bulletin, I'm Jessie Marshencabbage for WTNS News.

A Koala Bear rapist has been spotted in your general vicinity. Please notify the proper authorities if you should see a Koala being violated. This has been the WTNS news bulletin for April 3rd, 2014.