What's brown and sticky? A stick.

I just watched all the Harry Potter movies back-to-back with a friend. It maybe wasn't the best idea, because it meant I couldn't see the TV.

How does a man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.

What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.

What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.

Why did the stadium get so hot after the game? Because all the fans left.

What type of bear is toothless? A gummy bear.

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today. It was clogged.

I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. At least it does if you throw it hard enough.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

I'll call you later. "Don't call me later, call me Dad."

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way.

What did the ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? "Close the door, I'm dressing."

What did one hat say to the other? "You go on ahead."

I just got hit in the head with a soda can. Thankfully it was a soft drink.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.

Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.

What does a pampered cow produce? Spoiled milk.

What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it.

Why did the old man fall into the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

What do you call a factory that sells decent products? A satisfactory.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.

Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.

Not to brag but I made six figures last year. I was also named the worst employee at the toy factory.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?"And I told him, "No it doesn't."