I'M DELETING YOU, BROTHER!
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ERROR! True Brothers of Islam are irreplaceable
I could never delete you Brother!
Send this to ten other Mujahideen who would give their lives for ﷲAllahﷲ Or never get called Brother again
If you get
0 Back: Juhanam for you†
3 back: you're off the martyr list
5 back: you have pleased Allah greatly
10+ back: JANAHﷲ!ﷲ!

📍 Location: Undisclosed, but you’ll know when you’re “invited.” 💰 Salary: Competitive (aka “You take what we give you, and you smile.”) 🕶 Benefits: “Job Security” (as in, you’ll never leave).

📜 JOB DESCRIPTION 📜

We are seeking a highly skilled, highly disposable individual to join our elite, totally legitimate business operation. You will be responsible for:

✅ Processing transactions with extreme discretion ✅ Ensuring “misplaced inventory” doesn’t become a problem ✅ Keeping your mouth shut at all times ✅ Surviving the “employee bonding exercises” ✅ Paying 99% of your paycheck back as “corporate tax”

🛑 MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS 🛑

💼 Experience: • 30+ years in retail, black ops, or organized crime. • Previous work in money laundering or “unofficial” debt collection preferred. • Must have extracted at least three confessions (with or without “persuasion”).

📜 Education & Certifications: • PhD in Quantum Physics or Finance (because you’ll need to “make numbers disappear”). • CompTIA A+, Network+, Security+ (because we run an extremely secure operation). • Certified Ethical Hacker (CEH) – You may need to “recover lost assets” from encrypted sources. • CCNA + Cloud Computing – You will “store data” in the cloud, but don’t ask whose. • Valid Forklift Certification (just trust us, you’ll need it).

💪 Physical Requirements: • Must be at least 7’0”, 300lbs, and 5% body fat (you will need to “escort” problematic customers). • Must be able to pull trees out of the ground with your bare hands and compress objects into black holes using only your fist. • Survive 7+ G’s of force (there will be “tests”).

🔫 Additional Qualifications: • Ex-Navy SEAL, CIA, or equivalent “freelance” experience. • At least 5 years of high-level mob affiliation (references required). • Possession of a military-grade weapons arsenal (you will be searched). • Minimum net worth of $500k (must drive a German car). • 1M+ YouTube subscribers (we need clout). • Must be a convicted felon (this isn’t optional).

🚨 COMPANY POLICIES 🚨

🔹 No two-week notice. You leave one way—in a body bag or a maximum-security cell. 🔹 Must be willing to undergo experimental Neuralink trials. 🔹 Failure to comply with orders may result in… permanent career relocation. 🔹 You will be paid in cash, NFTs, or “favors.” 🔹 Any contact with law enforcement = Immediate contract termination (and burial).

🎯 HOW TO APPLY 🎯

1️⃣ Show up at the alley behind Giuseppe’s Pizzeria at exactly 3:33 AM. 2️⃣ Knock three times, then twice, then once on the metal door. 3️⃣ Say the phrase: “The owl hoots at midnight” to the guy with the eyepatch. 4️⃣ If accepted, you’ll receive a blindfold and an unmarked van ride to your “onboarding.”

Serious inquiries only. Good luck. You’re gonna need it. 😈